Funny Life Quotes Now 2017


  • ⧭I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.


  • ⧭There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?


  • ⬉⬉Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 


  • ⬉⬉Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. 


  • ⬊⬊Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...


  • ⬋⬋Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 


  • ⬲⬲Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -


  • The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.



  • Growing up is amazing, until you get old!


  • The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive. 


  • There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter,.. like watching TV, and having a beer. 

  • Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 


  • Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there. 


  • Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals. 


  • Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. 


  • The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat. - 


  • I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.


  • ⬊⬊That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another


  • I just ⬉⬉bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes⬑⬑⬑


  • I like life. It's something to do. 

  • If you're always busy busy busy, you can't enjoy enjoy enjoy your life. 


  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


  • I slipped on a banana peel and I fell in love with the person who helped me up.


  • I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE. 


  • ⧭⧭Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring. 


  • The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 



  • ⬉⬉Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find⬉⬉⬉

  • Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day. 


  • You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing. 

  • In life, we must find happiness. I've been looking everywhere and still haven't found it.


  • The hardest thing to find in life is happiness - money is only hard to find because it gets wasted trying to find happiness.


  • Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. 



  • I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt, but after using up two bags of salt I gave up. 


  • Enjoy your life thoroughly, the same way you wash your clothes.


  • I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.


  • The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does! 

  • ⬉⬉Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. 


  • I think ⧭⧭⧭I've discovered the secret of life, you just hang around until you get used to it. 


  • If you want to change your life, insert a coin in a change machine.

  • Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!


  • Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date. 


  • Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. 


  • One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.



  • When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed. - 


  • Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's only a poster on a wall. - 


  • Me: For the first time in life, things seem to be getting better. :) Life: LOL, give me a second! - 



  • When you want something really bad, crying for it isn't going to work nearly as good as complaining! 


  • The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me. 

  • The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes. 


  • ⬈⬈Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you⬑⬑⬑ won't have to run and fight.



  • If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me! - m 


  • A glass of beer shortens your life by one minute, a glass of wine by two minutes, and a day of work by seven to ten hours. m 



  • Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics. 


  • I'm not afraid to die. I just don't like the thought of being gone so long!


  • The secret of success is to go from mistake to mistake without losing your enthusiasm. - 


  • Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away. 


  • I love everyone! I love to be around some people, I love to stay away from others, and some I'd just love to punch right in the face!


  • ⧭⧭A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. 


  • I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 


  • ⬈⬈I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.


  • ⧭⧭A best friend ⬰⬰⬰is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.


  • You already know something you don't even know that you know.


  • Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.


  • In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dyi- 


  • Sometimes you succeed.... and other times you learn. -  


  • Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account. - 


  • If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much. - 



  • When life gives you lemons, follow the five-step plan: 1.Sit on the couch. 2.Turn on the TV. 3.Throw lemons at life. 4.Force life to make lemonade for you. 5.Drink the lemonade. - 



  • God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face. - 


  • ⧭⧭When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I'm grown ⬉⬉up, I know I was right.


  • ⧭⧭If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z - keeping your ⬉⬉mouth shut. 


  • Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. 

  • If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling. 

  • I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. - 



  • All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 

  • Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. - 


  • ⧭⧭A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid ⧭⧭⧭being recognized.


  • The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep! 



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