Best Children's Day
Yesterday morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1:00 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Children's Day in my life!"
MARRIAGE
Honey, I Want A Divorce
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck, "I want the house."
Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," She continues.
Up to 65mph now.
"And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't their anything you want?"
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," she inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her, smiles, said, "The airbag!"
MARRIAGE
A Successful Marriage
Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their 'Happy Going Marriage'
A TV reporter was very curious to know the secret and asked the husband, "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband Said, "We are a happy couple since marriage, thanks to our honeymoon trip to Shimla."
TV Reporter aske, "Sir, tell us about it so that all couples can also be happy like you."
Finally husband agreed to reveal the 'secret of the happy marriage'.
"For our honeymoon," recalling his old honeymoon days husband said, "We had been to Shimla. The day after we both went for a horse ride. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way that horse jumped up suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said: 'This is your first time'.
"She again got on the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again was calm and said: 'This is your second time...' and continued.
"When the horse dropped her a third time, she just took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'
She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!'
"That's it. We are happy ever after..."
MARRIAGE
Dining Out!
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
A Little Accident
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn`t get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your Girlfriend called.
MARRIAGE
Wife on Vacations!
Departure Instructions Note from Wife to Husband...
I am going to My Mom's Place for 6-7 days with kids & These are the instructions and warning for you...
1 - No need to call your friends and cousins.
Last time I got 4 large pizza bills beneath the sofa...
2 - Don't forget mobile on the soap holder in the bathroom like last time...
Why would anyone need a mobile in the bathroom.??
3 - Keep your specs in the box...
Last time around it was found in the refrigerator.
4 - Salary already paid to maid.
No need to be extra generous.
5 - Don't disturb neighbors early in the morning asking if they have got newspaper or not?? Our newspaper vendor is different from theirs. And our laundry person and milkman are also different.
6 - Your Underwear are on left side of wardrobe and on right side are kid's...
Like last time, don't say I was uncomfortable at work....
7 - All reports have been checked and you are alright.
No need to go to that lady doctor again and again.
8 - My sister and Bhabhi's birthdays have gone last month which you already attended.
No need to go to them at midnight and wish belated happy birthday.
9 - Have cut off WiFi for 10 days.
So sleep early....
10 - Stop smiling and being happy...
as Mrs. Khanna, Mrs. Avasthi, Mrs. Kulkarni, Mrs. Trivedi, Mrs. Ansari, Mrs. Rastogi, Mrs. Chatteerjee... They all will be out of station in this period.
And last but not the least.
11 - Don't try to be oversmart.. I will be back anytime without informing you.
Happy Vacations!!!
MARRIAGE
Being Husband!
When I reached office, I got a call from my wife.
"What is the date today?" She said.
I was wondering... then told her 14th September... call disconnected.
I was wondering... her birthday? No...
Mine?? No...
Anniversary?? No...
Son's birthday!!! No...
In-laws Birthday... Anniversary? No...
Gas booking... done...
Utility payments... done...
Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, sqat and kill us and our time... his birthday... No...
Then?!? Why date???
Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions... reached home...
Junior was playing in car park... I Asked him, "How is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... Tsunami???
Boy said, "All normal. Why?"
"Your mom asked me... what is the date today in the morning?"
Boy smiled and told, "I tore some sheets from calendar in morning... so she was confused..."
Being husband is a tough job....
MARRIAGE
Cooking Tips for Ladies
1. While seasoning, if you put few drops of whisky, the oil doesn't burn.
2. While kneading dough, put a few drops of beer and the chapatis will be golden brown.
3. If you add a few drops of vodka in paneer, it will not spoil in summer time.
4. Putting red wine in dal will enhance the taste.
If you can't manage the above, Try this... for guranteed success
Pour 4 pegs in your husband's mouth, then it doesn't matter how you cook....
Horsing Around
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your frickin' HORSE phoned!"
MARRIAGE
Relationship Workshop
A workshop was done on women's relationship. They were told to send a message written "I Love You" to their husbands.
Top 10 replies from husbands are:
1. Are you alright? Feeling sick or something? Should I bring some medicine?
2. What happened? Did you again hit my car?
3. I am sorry, I didn't get it.
4. What did you do this time? I'm not going to leave you.
5. ?????
6. Do not make things up! Just tell me now how much do you want for your shopping?
7. You are telling me for whom this message was or I am going to kill you.
8. O god!!! Again your mom-dad are here?
9. I told you don't drink too much.
And the ultimate one:
10. May I know who is this?
MARRIAGE
Unanswerable Questions
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Shut up. Don't you ever dare talk to me!!
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: No.
Wife: Liar!!!
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: May be...
Wife: can u ever b decisive.
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: I don't know.
Wife: Are you blind?
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Depends...
Wife: Oh you comparing me with some one else...
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Silence...
Wife: Are you deaf?
There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.
For everything else there is Google....
MARRIAGE
Choosing The Right Dress
A man and hise wife went for shopping to get new sarees for wife.
After seeing numerous sarees she shortlisted around 100 and further brought down to 25.
Out of those 25 she finally asked her husband to choose 5 sarees among them.
Then she finally picked up one saree and It took almost three hours for his wife to finalise.
The husband settled the bill and commented: Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have to waste too much of time.
Ultimate comment by wife: Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of eve.
Ready For Marriage!
Son: Dad, I want to get married.
Father: First, tell me you're sorry.
Son: For what?
Father: Say sorry...
Son: But for what ? What did I do?
Father: Just say sorry...
Son: But...what have I done wrong ?
Father: Say sorry!
Son: WHY?
Father: Say sorry!!
Son: Please, just tell me why?
Father: Say sorry!!!
Son: OK, Dad... I'm sorry!
Father: There you are ! Now you are ready... your training is complete. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!
MARRIAGE
For The House
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
MARRIAGE
A World Without Men
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell. So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said, "No, I did this bad thing. I won't make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon."
At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single women in the group, and a blonde mind you) wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going to Heaven?"
She says, "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked, "Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?"
MARRIAGE
Luckiest Day!
The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said......, "My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!"
The whole audience burst into laughter. But one was in complete silence...... The Groom
Life is Difficult
Mr Jones drove his secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at their new year's office party. She was sooooo drunk.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman.
Later that night, Mr. Jones and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.
While his wife wasn't looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?
Life of a husband is so difficult...
MARRIAGE
A Kick Under The Table!
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man.
When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on.
Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"
We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"
Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table.
The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"
MARRIAGE
Revenge is Sweet!
Revenge is Sweet!
This man couldn't believe what his wife wrote him in this email... This is priceless...
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, I am ok. Your Motorcycle is ok too, so please don't worry too much.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will in your heart find room to forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and make mad passionate love to you again and again.
Waiting for your safe return.
Your loving wife.
P.S Your girlfriend called. She said she missed you.
MARRIAGE
My Wife's Lovers
One day a man came back early from his office. He was shocked to see his wife with another guy. He told his wife to go out of the room.
Then he said to the guy: What are you doing here?
The guy replied: I love your wife & she loves me too.?
The man said: I know that my wife loves me and not you.
After a long conversation they decided: We'll lets hold our guns & fire at each other and pretend to be dead. she will mourn for the guy she loves the most and the other person will get out of their lives.
####The wife heard the ###gunshots, she came into the ##room, ##shocked and surprised, stood staring at both the ##dead bodies.
Suddenly she started la##ughing out loudly, rejoicing and shouted: Bob... Get out of that wardrobe, these 2 i###diots are de##ad now!?
I Don't Understand Women
I was going for a drink after work with some of my workmates. I telephoned the Missus and told her that I was working late.
I got home at 1AM stumbling all over the place and fell into bed fully clothed.
In the morning I was getting the cold shoulder from the Missus.
She said to me, "I don't mind that you go out for a few drinks with your mates, what I DO mind is that you lied to me!!! We have to be honest in our relationship, no more lies, honesty is more important than anything else."
That evening, we were going out for a meal with some friends and she was trying on various outfits.
She asked me, "Does my bum look fat in this?"
I'll never understand women!
MARRIAGE
Cheaper Solutions
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
"So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
MARRIAGE
The Best Dressed Mom
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
MARRIAGE
Who's The Boss?
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
A Silent Fart
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
The couple had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said: I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
MARRIAGE
Dating Process
6 Weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you.
6 Months: Of course I love you.
6 Years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 Weeks: Honey, I'm home.
6 Months: BACK!!
6 Years: What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 Weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 Months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room!
6 Years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 Weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 Months: Here, for you.
6 Years: PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 Weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 Months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 Years: AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 Weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 Months: Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 Years: What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 Weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 Months: You bought a new dress again???
6 Years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
6 Weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 Months: I like this movie.
6 Years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
MARRIAGE
Someone Really Stinks
A young couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
MARRIAGE
Fart Your Guts Out
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of the Heaven, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
The Bathtub Fart
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
MARRIAGE
Coffee Brewing
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
MARRIAGE
Not Again!!!
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.
I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife.
"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
MARRIAGE
Divorce Counselling
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye.
"What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer, "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
50th Wedding Anniversary
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all grown and very successful, agreed to attend a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number One. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor, but despite this, we were able to save and send each of you to college. Also, we want to tell you that throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and the daughter said, "You mean we're bastards?!?"
MARRIAGE
Christmas Divorce!
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wif, "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
MARRIAGE
Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
MARRIAGE
Most Obedient
There was a father who called his 5 small children together.
As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.
He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them. He asked them, "who is the most obedient?"
Five sets of eyes looked up at him.
Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "Ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"
One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father.
"You win!" exclaimed the child.
Birthday Gift
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 9th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Please send your donations to the - "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation"
MARRIAGE
Henpecked Husband
At a dinner party the other night my wife tried to embarrass me by telling our guests about an argument that's been ongoing in our house hold.
"Yes," she said smugly. "He's well trained, I have constantly reminded him to put the seat down after he's used the toilet and like a good little boy, he now does as he's told."
They all started laughing at me then one of her friends turned to me and said, "Hha, totally pussy whipped aren't you!"
"No not really," I replied calmly. "I'v just been pissing in the sink for the last 6 months."
MARRIAGE
A Different Father
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."
MARRIAGE
Smart Wife
Scene: A husband and wife watching an a Cricket match.
After 5 minutes:
Wife: Is this Imran Tahir ??
Husband: No, this is Hashim Amla, Imran Tahir is a bowler.
Wife: Okay, oh look, another wicket.
Husband: No, this is just a replay of the last one.
Wife: Hmm, looks like Austraila is going to win this one.
Husband: It's India v/s South Africa!!
Wife: How many runs they need to win now ??
Husband: 72 runs in 36 balls.
Wife: Just 72??? That's too easy, only 2 runs in 1 ball...
Husband angrily turns off the TV.
Wife Turns it on again and starts watching her favourite daily soap.
Husband: Who is she ??
Wife: Don't disturb me.
Dealing with Wives
Wife to hubby: Darling in pictures of Shiva-Parvati, Shiva has a Trishool. In pictures of Vishnu-Lakshmi, Vishnu has Chakra in hand and pictures of Rama-Sita, Rama has bow in hand. But in case of Krishna-Radha, he has flute in hand. Why is this?
Hubby: You see dear the three God's whom you mentioned first are with the wives. That is why they have weapons. Krishna is with his girlfriend. Hence no weapons required. This shows when it comes to dealing with wives, even Gods need protection.
MARRIAGE
Say Goodbye to Mom
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her A*s with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat A*s downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
MARRIAGE
Interview of a Married Man
Interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones.
Reporter: So how is your married life?
Mr. Husband: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.
Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
Mr. Husband: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.
Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
Mr. Husband: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.......
Reporter: Hmmmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
Mr. Husband: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.
Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
Mr. Husband: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.
Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
Mr. Husband: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.
Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
Mr. Husband: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 2285 - 1.
Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free? Mr. Husband: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as we start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.
Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
Mr. Husband: Yep, quite a few:
(A). Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B). Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C). Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D). And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
MARRIAGE
Till Death Do Us Part
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe... Darling... Joe..."
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear...'Till Death Do Us Part
Chocolate Chip Cookies
An old man was lying on his deathbed.
With only hours to live, he suddenly smelt chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen. Driven on by his favourite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last bit of energy, mustering everything he had left, he reached for a cookie only to get his hand slapped.
"No," the wife snapped, "these are for the funeral!"
MARRIAGE
Where Have You Been???
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing bastard! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
MARRIAGE
Key to a Happy Marriage
For those of us "of a certain age" and for you youngsters, well, these days will come soon enough!
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband's mobile.
"Hello My Love," I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a long period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, please come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
This is what they call, "a senior moment."
MARRIAGE
Testing Sons-in-law
An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her three sons-in-law. One a fine day, she was walking along a lake shore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"
Another day she went out with her second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell in the lake and started yelling for help. The second son-in-law, too, jumped into the water and dragged her out, onto the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E-Class Mercedes at his doorstep with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy got scared and ran away without offering any help to her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day the third son-in-law was surprised to see a new brand new Rolls-Royce waiting at his doorsteps with the following wording, "Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law
Marry Me Again
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served.
"What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
MARRIAGE
Enough is Enough
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"
MARRIAGE
The Unfaithful Husband !
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
MARRIAGE
Alcohol Tolerance
Easy steps to check your Daaru tolerance:
Drink 1st peg and check the photo of your wife in your wallet.
Drink 2nd peg and do the same thing.
Drink 3rd peg and recheck.
Drink 4th peg and recheck.
If your wife starts looking beautiful, innocent & attractive, stop it there and there itself. These are indications that you hve consumed alchohol more than your normal capacity and its time to go home.
Statutory Warning:
If your wife starts looking beautiful, sexy and innocent in the 1st peg itself, than you're checking some one else's wallet
Perfect Girl!
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."
MARRIAGE
Keeping a Mistress!
A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.
The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.
He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE.
When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.
She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!
MARRIAGE
Honeymoon Package!
Woman goes to travel agent and says, "Honeymoon Ka Sasta Package Hai koi?"
Agent says, "Ji Mam, 50k mein 3N/4D in Bangkok including flight hotel and food."
Woman replies, "Aur Koi Sasta??"
Agent says, "Kashmir 3N/4D all inclusive 35k."
Woman goes, "Isse Bhi koi Sasta?"
Agent replies, "Ji Madam, Ek Special Offer Hai - 10N/11D in London and Paris via Milan, stay in honeymoon suite and complementary chauffeured car. Package is completely free!!!"
Woman is overjoyed and immediately tells him, "Awww my god!!! Yeh Toh incredible offer Hai, Zaroor Kuchh Catch Hoga?"
Agent says, "Koi catch Nahi Madam, Bas Husband Hamari Taraf Se Hota Hai!!!"
MARRIAGE
Just-a-wee-bit
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months l##ater the baby was born. When the man visited ###the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human "thing" y###ou can imagine. He rushed to his father-###in-law asking how such a thing could ###happen considering the beauty of the parents.
###Well#### explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her
Wife's Q&A
You ask your wife something and she says, "Wahan Rakha Hai."
This "Wahan" can be either:
1. On the table.
2. Or any of th 26 drawers in kitchen.
3. Or Antarctica..!!!
When wife say, "Woh Laa Do..."
It can be:
1. Her Lipstick.
2. Or milk from market.
3. Or An AK 56..!!!
When wife says, "Yeh Kya Hai..??"
It can be:
1. Your Pyjamas on the floor.
2. Or beer 6-pack in fridge.
3. Or a Drone flying over Afghanistan!
When wife says, "Tumhe Kabhi Kuch Samajh Nahi Aata..."
It can be about:
1. A new mushy WhatsApp message.
2. Or Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
3. Or her latest spending spree in Mall...!
When wife says, "Ab Bohut Ho Gaya..."
It can be :
1. The mascara she is putting.
2. Or the amount of Anthrax that needs to be put in a Biological Weapon.
3. Or the latest spat she had with your mother.
And....when wife says, "Main Kaisi Lag Rahi Hoon?"
It's GAME OVER.
It doesn't have any meaning... except confirmed annihilation.
It just puts you in a fix which Arjun had faced.... just before the War started...... in Mahabharata... as to whether you should follow Dharma ....or Karma...!!!!
MARRIAGE
Deadly Talk
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance.
A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
MARRIAGE
The Way Women Think
Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"
MARRIAGE
Is it Yours?
A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers-to-be, are pacing nervously in the Maternity Ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says, glumly. "My wife burns everything
Beautiful or Cute???
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was 'cute.'
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"
MARRIAGE
Walking Backward!
Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.
When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.
One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"
Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me, 'You've got such a great ass it could bring a dead man back to life.' So I'm not taking any chances!"
MARRIAGE
Pearls of Wisdom!
The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice.
No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES,
She must immediately change some or all THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times, Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.
The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES can not take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.
Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the FEMALE has P.M.S., all THE RULES may be null and void.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready, The MALE must be ready at all times.
MARRIAGE
It's Payback Time
Phil had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the newl-wed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Amazed that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Phil called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five
The In-laws Ministry
A mother-in-law explaining work to her newly wed Daughter-in-law.
"I am Home Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house, yur Father-in-law is the Foriegn Minister, my Son, I mean your husband runs the Ministry of Demand and Supply, and, my daughter runs Planning & Developement Ministry. Now you tell me which Ministry would you like to run?"
Daughter-in-law instantly replied with a smile, "Dear mother-in-law, I'll be the leader of OPPOSITION..."
MARRIAGE
Weekly Bridge Game!
Just Before the Weekly Bridge Game Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn't put his foot in his mouth.
One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them 'too much...'
When she finished having her shower and was finally done, she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband.
Mr. Jones looked somewhat bewildered, and he began to explain immediately, "Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes, so I asked her who held their little legs apart."
MARRIAGE
Ex-Wife!!!
George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."
George gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?
George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"
George retorts, "I wasn't..."
MARRIAGE
The Break Up
The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" asked the distraught fiancee
"Not even on her best day!" replied the salesman.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.
"Well then, is this all about 'relations'?" cried out the devastated woman.
"No, nobody does it like you babe," assured the salesman.
"Then what is it?" she screamed "What can she do that I can't"?
The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in the eyes and said, "She can sue me for child support."
And then it hit him... the four slice toaster he had bought for her the previous birthday.
Complaining About the Food
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Not in the slightest."
Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"
To which, the first woman replied, "No. Why should I object? Many people don't like the food they cook."
MARRIAGE
If You Marry An Irish Girl
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties.
The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
MARRIAGE
Never Forget The Gift!
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.
The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
MARRIAGE
Perfect Match!!!
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man.
World's Best Wife
The story may be manufactured or may be real but great for a good laugh.
A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.
The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.
He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE.
When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.
She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!
MARRIAGE
Tim and Sam
Tim: I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She too ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see, an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
MARRIAGE
New Wives
A missionary discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage.
The missionary soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the missionary the tribe had never had so much fun. The missionary asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.
"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.
"We all got new wives...!"
MARRIAGE
Husband in a Good Mood
Husband in a good mood:
Darling, remember 25 years ago.... I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white tv and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 yrs old beautiful girl.
Now I own a luxurious bungalow with, 4 LED TVs, a Limousine and a Porsche, servants... but I sleep with a 50 yrs old woman.
Wife: Dont worry... Just find yourself a 25 yrs old beautiful woman... and I will make sure that you go back to your 1 room rented apartment, table fan, black & white TV and a cycle.
Looking for a Wife
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
MARRIAGE
Who's Cheating???
A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside.
The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!"
The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside.
Moments later, the husband came in, angry, "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!' Are you saying you have other men over?"
Wife, "Well, then why did you run away?"
MARRIAGE
Welcome to the Family
A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum. The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice.
Father-in-law: Young man, you're coming to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you're chewing gum. That's a sign of disrespect!
Man: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.
Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke, and you're here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage?
Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to the club.
Father-in-law: You club too?
Man: I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.
Father-in-law: You've also been to prison before? Oh my God!
Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed someone.
Father-in-law: What!!! You're a killer?
Man: Sir, I was angry because a certain man didn't allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him!
Father-in-law: Oh! Okay.... You know what? You're highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You're absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Welcome to the family
MARRIAGE
The Big Trouble
The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.
As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."
The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.
"Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.
Unlucky Husbands
Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."
MARRIAGE
In the graveyard!
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
MARRIAGE
A Dog and a Husband!
Put your wife in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and see who is 'Happy' to see you, and who will 'BITE' you !
(You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals who are now divorced and living happily with their dog)
Don't laugh loud... the extended version says...
Put your husband in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before.
MARRIAGE
Crying for the Mother-in-Law
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"
To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus
Marriage Vows!
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.
Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' shit. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."
MARRIAGE
Rash Driving!
A couple hired a new chauffeur. The memsahib asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.
Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."
"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."
MARRIAGE
Enough about Wives...
Enough about Wives, now something for Husbands...
A new metal is added to chemistry:
Name: Husband
Symbol: Hb
Atomic Weight:
-Light when first found...
-tends to get heavier over the years with time.
Physical Properties:
Boils at any time with inlaws.
Can freeze in front of his own family.
Melts if sees other women.
Very Bitter if questioned.
Chemical Properties:
Very Reactive
Highly Unstable
Possess Strong resistance to Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards & Cheque books.
Money saving Agent.
Occurrence:
Mostly found in front of the TV.
MARRIAGE
A Burger or a Kiss!!!
Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?
Husband: What do you think I am... a gardener ?
Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?
Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?
In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.
Husband: Who did all this ?
Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options.... Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.
Wife: What do you think I am.......McDonald
Drugs For Husbands!
New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval...
ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries...
SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim...
SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV...
WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores...
SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently...
FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by.
MARRIAGE
Overconfidence!
1) Once, all villages decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella - That's Faith.
2) When you throw a baby in the air she laughs because she knows you will catch her - That's Trust.
3) Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up - That's Hope.
4) We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties - That's Confidence.
5) We see the world suffering. We know there is a possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married - That's Over Confidence.
MARRIAGE
Ex-Wife!!!
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't! "
MARRIAGE
I Lost My Car Keys...
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Before and After Marriage
BEFORE: You take my breath away.
AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
BEFORE: The Sound of Music.
AFTER: The Sound of Silence.
BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream.
AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm.
BEFORE: We agree on everything!
AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE: Charming and Noble.
AFTER: Chernobyl.
BEFORE: Ideal.
AFTER: Idle.
BEFORE: I love a woman with curves.
AFTER: I never said you were fat.
BEFORE: He's completely lost without me.
AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE: Time stood still.
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE: Blind.
AFTER: Nearsighted.
BEFORE: You look so seductive in black.
AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
MARRIAGE
Breaking Up!
George went over to his fiancee's house and sadly told his girlfriend the wedding was off. He was going to marry another woman.
His girlfriend was distraught. She asked, "How can you choose another woman over me? Is she a better cook?"
"Not on her best days, she can't match your everyday cooking."
"Does she buy you gifts like I do, the electronic toys that please men so much.?"
"She can't buy me anything. She has no job and no money."
"Then she must be beautiful and hotter! Is she that much better than me?"
"No, you are fantastic."
"Then what can this woman possibly do better than me that you want to marry her?"
"She can sue me for child support."
MARRIAGE
Never Forget Her Birthday
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Children's Day' in all my life!"
MARRIAGE
Rhyming Couplet
A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the best enteries:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
everything you are not.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of tequila, one part lime !
Senior Texting Shortcuts!
Young people have often resorted to shortcuts when texting. Now seniors have their own texting codes:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
TOT - Texting on Toilet
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
MARRIAGE
Husband's Note for his Wife
The Fifa World Cup is close by. Let me give you a few rules that will preserve your beauty.
1. The remote control belongs to me for the whole month.
2. Tell all your friends not to givev birth or wed or die or wateva during the World Cup coz we won't go.
3. No talking during the game, wait for half-time or end of the game.
4. Repeats & highlights are as good as the main match, so am gonna watch them too.
5. We can watch STAR PLUS provided actors and actresses are wearing soccer jerseys and they are in Brazil.
6. You don't just pass infront of the TV if am watching soccer, you better crawl on the floor.
7. Make sure you don't ask silly questions such as; is this Chelsea versus England?
8. No funny faces to my friends when they come for soccer.
9. There shall be no comments about Cristiano Ronaldo's looks. Professinalism shall remain an absolute part of the WC.
10. If you miss the line up please dont ask, 'Who's that guy?'
11. Ronaldo the Brazilian and Ronaldo the Portuguese are not related, India and Pakistan did not qualify, so please no stupid questions.
Thank you
MARRIAGE
Different Wavelengths
The female brain works on a different tangent than male.
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"
My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...
MARRIAGE
You are ABCDEF...
After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.
The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, "ABCDEFGHIJK."
"What does that mean?" She asked.
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!" he replied.
Wife Smiling asked, "So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?"
He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!
Rules for Men!
The untold rules for Men:
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
MARRIAGE
Message Delivered!!!
Husband sent a text to his wife at night, "Hi Honey! I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."
After a while he sent another text, "And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car."
She text back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."
MARRIAGE
Falling on Deaf Ears!
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"
The other Buddy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."
"How do you do that?" says the other.
"It's easy! I turn off the light!"
MARRIAGE
Man's Best Friend!
A real woman is man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... NO wait.... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind
Guts & Balls...
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.
MARRIAGE
Husband vs Wife
A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He couldn't control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.
The story continues...
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card.
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
Story continues...
Wife took out his husband's credit card from purse and uses it to clear all the bills. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.
Moral: Don't underestimate the power of a WIFE.
MARRIAGE
Life's Demerit System
All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this message. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Old Monk. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet poodle . (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina is single. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system.
MARRIAGE
A Dog's Life
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep...... Can I come with him tomorrow? Thanks !
Wifey Traits!
How various wife's fight with their respective husbands...
Pilot's wife: Don't fly too high...
Teacher's wife: Don't teach me...
Painter's wife: I'll paint you...
Dhobi's wife: I'll wash you...
Actor's wife: Don't act too much...
Dentist's wife: I'll break your teeth...
CA's wife: Stay with proper accountability...
Engineer's wife: I'll loosen all your parts...
Architect's wife: Stay straight or else I'll change your architecture...
and the Best one
Marketing Executive's wife: If you speak too much I'll sell you on OLX...
MARRIAGE
Happy Mother's Day!
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
MARRIAGE
Expensive Dress!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.
MARRIAGE
A True Love Story!
This 89 year old woman was arrested for lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "Can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked, the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas
Always Love Your Husband
Love your husband when he orders you to make tea or coffee because he wants to feel fresh to listen your nonstop talks...
Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females because he is just checking that you are still the best ?
Love him if he criticises your cooking because he is still improving his taste.
Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep because he is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person after being married to you.
Love him if he forgets to give you a gift on your birthday because he is saving money for your future.
Love him... Because you don't have a choice and killing is a legal offence.
MARRIAGE
Wife Won't Like It!
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said.
MARRIAGE
Tension Generating Letter
Which is the most dangerous Alphabet?
Answer is 'W'.
All the worries get initiated with 'W'...
Who
Why
What
When
Which
Whom
Where
War
Wine
Whisky
Wealth
Work
Worries
Woman
& finally, believe it or not WIFE.
And the most dangerous question coming from W (wife).
Woh kaun thi ?
All the major things a (W)oman needs in her lifetime start with the Letter 'M'?
Man.
Money.
Make-Up.
Motor Car.
Movies.
Masti.
Mall.
Last but not the least....the 2 most important......
Maid & Maaikewaale.
MARRIAGE
Secret of a Happy Marriage!
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
Change of Mind!
Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding.
After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over.
Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"
"What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Sullivan.
"Well`, said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"
MARRIAGE
Lamaze Class
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.
The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
MARRIAGE
Love Advice from Men!
Hi Uncle Tom,
I am a lady aged 26, I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home, I drove for just about 2 km from home & my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another car, when I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid, I don't know what to do now please help me.
From Anonymous
Uncle Tom's Reply:
Dear Anonymous,
Over heating of the engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator, you need to check the oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey, you must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future hope this helps.
MARRIAGE
Polishing Apples!
A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.
The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression I was down to my last nickel. I invested that in an apple and spent the entire day polishing it. At the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents!
The next day, I invested those 10 cents in 2 apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents.
I continued this 4 a month. By the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $.1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us 2 Million Dollars...!
MORAL: Hard Work Is Just Shit. Find A Chick Whose Father Is Rich.
Wedding Speech!
Wedding speech from modern girl to her in laws:
My dear new family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new house...
Firstly I must tell you that my presence here should not change your life routines...
Those who used to do the laundry must keep on doing it... Those cooking must keep cooking... Those cleaning must keep cleaning... I'll not disturb anybody's routine...
So far as I'm concerned, I'm here only to:
Eat BUN,
Have FUN and
Entertain yiur SON!!!
MARRIAGE
Making a Point!
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
MARRIAGE
Recruiting a Commando!
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!
Interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!! So do you think you are eligible?"
Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"
MARRIAGE
Contemporary Marriage!
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
Before it Starts!
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."
MARRIAGE
After 25 years of Marriage
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed."
MARRIAGE
I Love You Too Much!
On the New Year eve I was sitting with my wife on the deck, enjoying a glass of wine.
I said, "I love you so much, I could not live without you."
My wife said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the wine."
MARRIAGE
Will I be acquitted?
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Christmas Gift!
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
MARRIAGE
Stupid Husband!
Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?"
MARRIAGE
Why Guys Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
MARRIAGE
How to Avoid a Speeding Ticket
A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"
The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"
The trooper said. "Yes."
"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"
The trooper said, "Yes."
"Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"
The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
God's Help!
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing..... and the train was just seconds away!
He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
MARRIAGE
A Fitting Memorial
But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"
"Two and a half carats."
MARRIAGE
Just Pull the Plug...
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room.
Husband, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
MARRIAGE
Bikinis and Swimsuits
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
Scottish Christmas
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
MARRIAGE
Getting Married!
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.
The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"
MARRIAGE
Old Crush!!!
A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's aguy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"
MARRIAGE
Dinner Date!
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
A Wife's Wishes!
A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
- I want to be the only one in his life.
- I want him to sleep always by my side.
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!!!
MARRIAGE
Don't Be Nervous!
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
MARRIAGE
Woman's Love
When a Woman Loves!
When a woman loves you, you are a husband
When a few women love you, you are a man
When many women love you, you are a lover
When hundreds of women love you, you are an idol
When thousands of women love you, you are a leader
But,
When all the women in the world love you, you are not human... You are a diamond, gold, a rupee, a dollar, a euro, or a yen..
MARRIAGE
Not Again!
After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably.
He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:
"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me.
My Cheating Wife...
A letter from a guy to Agony Aunt:
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer ???
MARRIAGE
Marriage vs Love
Love is holding hands in the street,
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant,
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is watching movie on a sofa,
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children,
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early,
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is losing your appetite,
Marriage is losing your figure.
TV has no place in love,
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws,
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough !"
Conclusion: Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener.
MARRIAGE
Near Fatal Accident!
Husband calls his wife....
Husband, "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.
Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff.
"I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."
Wife, "Who is Susan?"
MARRIAGE
Communication Gap!
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me
Simple Explanation!
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
MARRIAGE
A Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun !"
MARRIAGE
Hobbies of Husband
A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today...
The story continues...
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, "What are you doing?" He said your husband has blocked your credit card.
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
MARRIAGE
One Fine Day!
Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.
Next day he says: Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?
Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.
That's Good!
Two friends met after a long time...
Hey, I got married!
Oh! Thats good!
No, that's bad. She's ugly!
Oh! That's Bad!
No, that's Good. She's rich!
Oh! That's good!
No, that's bad ! She won't give me a cent...
Oh! That's bad!
No, that's Good! She bought me a big house!
Oh! That's good.
No, that's bad! The house burnt down!
Oh! That's bad!
No, that's good! She was inside...!
MARRIAGE
The Civilized Couple
A civilized fight between husband & wife...
Wife: Twinkle Twinkle little star, you should know what YOU are And once YOU know what YOU are Then the Mental hospital is'nt so far.
Husband: The rain makes all things beautiful The grass & flowers too If rain makes all things beautiful, Why doesn't it rain on YOU?
Wife: Roses are red Violets are blue Monkeys like YOU should be kept in zoo.
Husband: Don't feel so angry YOU will find me there too, Not in cage but laughing at YOU.
MARRIAGE
Health Conscious!
An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive, the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.
When they arrived at heaven they were shown to a luxurious accommodation. There was a garden and a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.
The man turned to his wife and said, "You dozy cow... if it wasn't for you and your bloody health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"
MARRIAGE
Romantic Evening!!!
Two Women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening ?
Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!
Moral: Presentation does matter... No matter what the reality is.
Waking up from Surgery
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are gorgeous."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are beautiful!"
Then he fell asleep again.
After a few minutes, he again opened his eyes and said, "You are cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful,' it was now just 'Cute.'
She said, "What happened to 'gorgeous, beautiful'?"
Her husband replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
MARRIAGE
Father of Five!
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
MARRIAGE
Guess Who?
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line: 'Guess who sent them.'
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: 'Well, now you know!'
MARRIAGE
The Easier Way
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Intelligent Husband!
Wife is busy packing her clothes.
Man: And where are you going?
Wife: I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing.
Wife: And where do you think your going?
Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife: And what about the kids?
Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother....
MARRIAGE
Language Problem!
An Indian girl married a Spanish and went to Spain.
As he can't speak Spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & shows her thighs to enable the seller understand her.
This went on for sometime, one day she wanted to buy banana.
She took her husband to the shop... (don't laugh... you perverts...)
Because her husband can speak Spanish and could ask for banana in Spanish.
MARRIAGE
What's for Dinner Tonight?
Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi??
Wife: Jo aap kaho?
Husband: Dal chawal bana lo.
Wife: Abhi kal hi to khaye the?
Husband: Toh sabji roti bana lo?
Wife: Bacche nahi khayenge?
Husband: Toh chhole puri bana lo?
Wife: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai?
Husband: Eggs bhurji bana lo?
Wife: Aaj guruvaar hai?
Husband: Paraanthe ??
Wife: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai???
Husband: Hotel se mangwa lete hain??
Wife: Roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye?
Husband: Kadhi chawal??
Wife: Dahi nahi hai?
Husband: Idly sambar??
Wife: Usme time lagega. Pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!?
Husband: Maggie hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega?
Wife: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta?
Husband: Phir, ab kya banaogi??
Wife: Jo aap kaho...
MARRIAGE
I Love You, Sweetheart
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.'
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one...
10. Who is this?
Watching TV!
A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together. After five minutes:
Wife: Is that Bret Lee?
Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.
Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.
Husband: He does not have an actor brother.
Wife: What about Bruce Lee?
Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian.
Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.
Husband: No. It is called action replay.
Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.
Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta.
Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.
Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It's a free hit.
Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Hit?
Wife: Now whom is he saying 'HI' to?
Husband: He is signalling a 'Bye'.
Wife: Why is he saying 'Bye. Is the game over?
Wife: How many runs to win?
Husband: 72 in 36 balls
Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball.
Frustrated husband turns off the TV. Wife turns it on and watches 'Saraswasti Chandra'.
Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra?
Wife: Don't you dare disturb me...
MARRIAGE
Can't stop laughing
A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school."
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your children sir." In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said, "Don't tell me all these are your children ?"
The man asked her calmly, "an you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"
MARRIAGE
The Picture Diet!
A married lady, visited her elderly parents' home.
When she opened refrigerator, she was shocked to see inside a picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman in two-piece bikini.
Lady: Mom, what's this?
Mom: Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat.
Lady: Is it working?
Mom: Yes and No.
I've lost 8 kilos, but your dad has gained 20...!!!
MARRIAGE
Walking Backward!
Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.
When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.
One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"
###Francesca answered, "When E##nzo was alive he always told me 'You'v##e got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any ##chance
I'm The Boss!
The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: "I'm the Boss !"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
MARRIAGE
It Wasn't Me...
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Kumar became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a drop dead gorgeous young lady.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the lady suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Kumar, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Kumar was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly, "I did."
MARRIAGE
Fight Like a Man
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied, "Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!'"
MARRIAGE
The Most Beautiful Woman!
A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.
It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in. This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house.
He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within, "Who is it?"
The man leaned on the door and said tenderly, "I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."
Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.
"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you bastard?" the woman roared.
The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world
Ten Million Dollars
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died."
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
MARRIAGE
Loving Wife!
After examining a patient the doctor took his wife aside and told her that her husband was gravely ill but there were 3 things she could do to ensure his survival.
1. Give him three nutritious meals every day.
2. Do not nag him.
3. Make love to him every night.
While driving back home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say ?"
"I am sorry dear but he said that you are not going to make it."
MARRIAGE
Rest in Peace!
When the rich man's will was read, his wife was very upset: he left everything to the young woman who lived next door to them and nothing to her!
She drove immediately to the cemetery to cancel her order for his headstone.
The stonecarver said, "You're too late. I already carved it just like you told me: 'Rest In Peace.'"
The woman thought a moment and then replied, "Okay, then, I'll pay you a little more to add, 'Till we meet again!'"
MARRIAGE
Clean-Shaven
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon
Luckiest Day!!!
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.... But not the poor groom!
MARRIAGE
Would You Remarry?
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No, he's left handed.....
MARRIAGE
New Number!
After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Jimmy," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
MARRIAGE
Romantic Wife
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Enough is Enough!
After a busy day commuters settled down on their train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:
"Hi darling, it's John, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's 7.00 and not 5.00 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah..."
When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, John! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!"
MARRIAGE
Threatening Mails
A worried guy telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.
"What can I do for you, sir," the special agent asked.
"I've been getting threatening letter in the mail," the guy said. "That's against the law, isn't it?"
"It certainly is," the Government man said. "Do you know who's been writing them?"
"Yeah," the guy said. "My girlfriend's husband."
MARRIAGE
My Son-in-Law is an Angel
One mother in law to another, "I heard that both your son and daughter have been married off - how are they?"
"Oh, my daughter in law is really not that good. She sleeps late and expects my son to make the morning coffee. She does not cook, wants my son to take her out to eat more."
"But my son in law is an angel. He allows my daughter to stay late in bed, even makes bed coffee for her. Insists on taking my daughter out to eat so often. I tell you, I don't know what to do with my daughter in law."
MARRIAGE
Learn to Trust your Husband...
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband, for example...
A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, 'Hello' to them
Night Out
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
MARRIAGE
Wife's Photo
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'
MARRIAGE
An Angry Wife!
An angry wife to her husband on phone.
Wife: Where the hell are you ?
Husband: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it ?
Wife (relaxed) : Yes, my dear!
Husband: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day and I said I will buy it for you one day ?
Wife (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush) : Yes I remember my love!
Husband: Good, I am in a beer parlour next to that shop!
MARRIAGE
Cheating Wives!
A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver, "Do you want to earn Rs 5000 right away?"
The driver excitedly said, "What do I have to do?"
"Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her."
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.
And the husband says to him, "This is not my wife."
The driver replied, "Nooooo, this is mine, hold her for me. I'm going for yours!"
Crazy Love!
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.
"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.
The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window.
"This is a sad case," said the man.
The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing, "William," she repeated over and over. "Oh, William!"
"She was to marry a man named William," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."
They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "William! William!"
"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost William also."
"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"
MARRIAGE
Perfect Spouse
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the result to the woman.
The result read, "Buy a television."
MARRIAGE
Where are You?
The Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband : Turn on the blender
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day...
Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love. Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Turn on the blender.
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye. The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him, "Son where is your mother?"
Son: "I do not know, she went out with blender...
MARRIAGE
Romantic Dinner!
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
Young Wife!
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
MARRIAGE
Newly Married Bride
Once a mother-in-law explaining the working of her house to her newly married Daughter-in-law.
She said, "I am the home minister as well as the finance minister of this house. Your Father in law is the Foreign minister of this house. My son, that is your husband, heads the ministry of demand and supply and my daughter that is your husband's sister, runs the planning & development ministry........!!!
"Now you tell which ministry would you like to run.......?????"
The daughter -in-law with a smile instantly replied, "Well, dear mother in law I will be running the OPPOSITION!!!!!!!"
MARRIAGE
Keep it short!
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."
The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, stupid."
MARRIAGE
Future Plans
Now that they've retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
Whose Mom!!!
Husband: Mom, called me and she is coming tomorrow, her train will reach by 4 O' Clock.
Wife: What! She came just 4 months back, right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast, she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play, as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. For how many days is she going to stay?
Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming.
Wife: Wow really! mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na, I have the number of the auto driver, please call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will get up early and make breakfast. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight.
MARRIAGE
Husband's revenge!
A woman went shopping, at cash counter she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today, so...
The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, What are you doing?"
He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
MARRIAGE
A sudden change of mind!
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you.
I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
George
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
MARRIAGE
Daring Husband
A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."
Audience was in shock and silence.
He added: "She was my mother."
(A big round of plause & laughter)
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker...
.
.
.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.
Henpecked Share Broker
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry", she said, "Mr. Natrajan is on another line".
"Oh, I'd only like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife", the secretary replied, "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
MARRIAGE
A Diamond is Forever
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.
Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."
"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"
MARRIAGE
Please Don't Interfere
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said. "Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
MARRIAGE
Never Underestimate a Woman!
A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands.
Up to 65 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 75 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "The airbag."
It's an Emergency!
A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.
"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."
The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."
The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."
MARRIAGE
Marrying an Atheist!
A young lady came home very sad from a date.
She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
Suicide Note!
Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."
Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
MARRIAGE
Cause Of Death
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Can of Peas!
This 60-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, "I will give you 6 days in jail..."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
MARRIAGE
The Great News
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
MARRIAGE
Never Lie to a Smart Woman
Husband: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.
The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"
"I did... They're in your fishing box !!!
MARRIAGE
Interview of a Married Man
Guys, here is very eye opening interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones, who may learn a few things...
Interview of a Married Man (for the benefit of the unmarried ones)
Reporter: So how is your married life?
The married man: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.
Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
The married man: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.
Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
The married man: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.
Reporter: Hmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
The married man: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.
Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
The married man: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.
Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
The married man: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.
Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
The married man: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 1876 - 1.
Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free?
The married man: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.
Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
The married man: Yep, quite a few:
(A) Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B) Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C) Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D) And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
Whose Mom!!!
Husband: Mom, called me and she is coming tomorrow, her train will reach by 4 O' Clock.
Wife: What! She came just 4 months back, right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast, she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play, as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. For how many days is she going to stay?
Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming.
Wife: Wow really! mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na, I have the number of the auto driver, please call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will get up early and make breakfast. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight.
MARRIAGE
Husband's revenge!
A woman went shopping, at cash counter she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today, so...
The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, What are you doing?"
He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
MARRIAGE
A sudden change of mind!
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you.
I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
George
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
MARRIAGE
Daring Husband
A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."
Audience was in shock and silence.
He added: "She was my mother."
(A big round of plause & laughter)
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker...
.
.
.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.
Henpecked Share Broker
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry", she said, "Mr. Natrajan is on another line".
"Oh, I'd only like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife", the secretary replied, "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
MARRIAGE
A Diamond is Forever
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.
Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."
"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"
MARRIAGE
Please Don't Interfere
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said. "Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
MARRIAGE
Never Underestimate a Woman!
A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands.
Up to 65 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 75 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "The airbag."
It's an Emergency!
A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.
"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."
The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."
The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."
MARRIAGE
Marrying an Atheist!
A young lady came home very sad from a date.
She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
Suicide Note!
Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."
Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
MARRIAGE
Cause Of Death
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Can of Peas!
This 60-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, "I will give you 6 days in jail..."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
MARRIAGE
The Great News
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
MARRIAGE
Never Lie to a Smart Woman
Husband: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.
The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"
"I did... They're in your fishing box !!!
MARRIAGE
Interview of a Married Man
Guys, here is very eye opening interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones, who may learn a few things...
Interview of a Married Man (for the benefit of the unmarried ones)
Reporter: So how is your married life?
The married man: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.
Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
The married man: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.
Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
The married man: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.
Reporter: Hmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
The married man: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.
Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
The married man: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.
Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
The married man: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.
Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
The married man: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 1876 - 1.
Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free?
The married man: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.
Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
The married man: Yep, quite a few:
(A) Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B) Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C) Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D) And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
Yesterday morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1:00 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Children's Day in my life!"
MARRIAGE
Honey, I Want A Divorce
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck, "I want the house."
Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," She continues.
Up to 65mph now.
"And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't their anything you want?"
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," she inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her, smiles, said, "The airbag!"
MARRIAGE
A Successful Marriage
Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their 'Happy Going Marriage'
A TV reporter was very curious to know the secret and asked the husband, "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband Said, "We are a happy couple since marriage, thanks to our honeymoon trip to Shimla."
TV Reporter aske, "Sir, tell us about it so that all couples can also be happy like you."
Finally husband agreed to reveal the 'secret of the happy marriage'.
"For our honeymoon," recalling his old honeymoon days husband said, "We had been to Shimla. The day after we both went for a horse ride. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way that horse jumped up suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said: 'This is your first time'.
"She again got on the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again was calm and said: 'This is your second time...' and continued.
"When the horse dropped her a third time, she just took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'
She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!'
"That's it. We are happy ever after..."
MARRIAGE
Dining Out!
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
A Little Accident
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn`t get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your Girlfriend called.
MARRIAGE
Wife on Vacations!
Departure Instructions Note from Wife to Husband...
I am going to My Mom's Place for 6-7 days with kids & These are the instructions and warning for you...
1 - No need to call your friends and cousins.
Last time I got 4 large pizza bills beneath the sofa...
2 - Don't forget mobile on the soap holder in the bathroom like last time...
Why would anyone need a mobile in the bathroom.??
3 - Keep your specs in the box...
Last time around it was found in the refrigerator.
4 - Salary already paid to maid.
No need to be extra generous.
5 - Don't disturb neighbors early in the morning asking if they have got newspaper or not?? Our newspaper vendor is different from theirs. And our laundry person and milkman are also different.
6 - Your Underwear are on left side of wardrobe and on right side are kid's...
Like last time, don't say I was uncomfortable at work....
7 - All reports have been checked and you are alright.
No need to go to that lady doctor again and again.
8 - My sister and Bhabhi's birthdays have gone last month which you already attended.
No need to go to them at midnight and wish belated happy birthday.
9 - Have cut off WiFi for 10 days.
So sleep early....
10 - Stop smiling and being happy...
as Mrs. Khanna, Mrs. Avasthi, Mrs. Kulkarni, Mrs. Trivedi, Mrs. Ansari, Mrs. Rastogi, Mrs. Chatteerjee... They all will be out of station in this period.
And last but not the least.
11 - Don't try to be oversmart.. I will be back anytime without informing you.
Happy Vacations!!!
MARRIAGE
Being Husband!
When I reached office, I got a call from my wife.
"What is the date today?" She said.
I was wondering... then told her 14th September... call disconnected.
I was wondering... her birthday? No...
Mine?? No...
Anniversary?? No...
Son's birthday!!! No...
In-laws Birthday... Anniversary? No...
Gas booking... done...
Utility payments... done...
Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, sqat and kill us and our time... his birthday... No...
Then?!? Why date???
Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions... reached home...
Junior was playing in car park... I Asked him, "How is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... Tsunami???
Boy said, "All normal. Why?"
"Your mom asked me... what is the date today in the morning?"
Boy smiled and told, "I tore some sheets from calendar in morning... so she was confused..."
Being husband is a tough job....
MARRIAGE
Cooking Tips for Ladies
1. While seasoning, if you put few drops of whisky, the oil doesn't burn.
2. While kneading dough, put a few drops of beer and the chapatis will be golden brown.
3. If you add a few drops of vodka in paneer, it will not spoil in summer time.
4. Putting red wine in dal will enhance the taste.
If you can't manage the above, Try this... for guranteed success
Pour 4 pegs in your husband's mouth, then it doesn't matter how you cook....
Horsing Around
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your frickin' HORSE phoned!"
MARRIAGE
Relationship Workshop
A workshop was done on women's relationship. They were told to send a message written "I Love You" to their husbands.
Top 10 replies from husbands are:
1. Are you alright? Feeling sick or something? Should I bring some medicine?
2. What happened? Did you again hit my car?
3. I am sorry, I didn't get it.
4. What did you do this time? I'm not going to leave you.
5. ?????
6. Do not make things up! Just tell me now how much do you want for your shopping?
7. You are telling me for whom this message was or I am going to kill you.
8. O god!!! Again your mom-dad are here?
9. I told you don't drink too much.
And the ultimate one:
10. May I know who is this?
MARRIAGE
Unanswerable Questions
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Shut up. Don't you ever dare talk to me!!
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: No.
Wife: Liar!!!
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: May be...
Wife: can u ever b decisive.
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: I don't know.
Wife: Are you blind?
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Depends...
Wife: Oh you comparing me with some one else...
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Silence...
Wife: Are you deaf?
There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.
For everything else there is Google....
MARRIAGE
Choosing The Right Dress
A man and hise wife went for shopping to get new sarees for wife.
After seeing numerous sarees she shortlisted around 100 and further brought down to 25.
Out of those 25 she finally asked her husband to choose 5 sarees among them.
Then she finally picked up one saree and It took almost three hours for his wife to finalise.
The husband settled the bill and commented: Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have to waste too much of time.
Ultimate comment by wife: Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of eve.
Ready For Marriage!
Son: Dad, I want to get married.
Father: First, tell me you're sorry.
Son: For what?
Father: Say sorry...
Son: But for what ? What did I do?
Father: Just say sorry...
Son: But...what have I done wrong ?
Father: Say sorry!
Son: WHY?
Father: Say sorry!!
Son: Please, just tell me why?
Father: Say sorry!!!
Son: OK, Dad... I'm sorry!
Father: There you are ! Now you are ready... your training is complete. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!
MARRIAGE
For The House
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
MARRIAGE
A World Without Men
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell. So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said, "No, I did this bad thing. I won't make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon."
At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single women in the group, and a blonde mind you) wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said, "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going to Heaven?"
She says, "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked, "Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?"
MARRIAGE
Luckiest Day!
The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said......, "My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!"
The whole audience burst into laughter. But one was in complete silence...... The Groom
Life is Difficult
Mr Jones drove his secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at their new year's office party. She was sooooo drunk.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman.
Later that night, Mr. Jones and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.
While his wife wasn't looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?
Life of a husband is so difficult...
MARRIAGE
A Kick Under The Table!
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man.
When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on.
Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"
We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"
Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table.
The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"
MARRIAGE
Revenge is Sweet!
Revenge is Sweet!
This man couldn't believe what his wife wrote him in this email... This is priceless...
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, I am ok. Your Motorcycle is ok too, so please don't worry too much.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will in your heart find room to forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and make mad passionate love to you again and again.
Waiting for your safe return.
Your loving wife.
P.S Your girlfriend called. She said she missed you.
MARRIAGE
My Wife's Lovers
One day a man came back early from his office. He was shocked to see his wife with another guy. He told his wife to go out of the room.
Then he said to the guy: What are you doing here?
The guy replied: I love your wife & she loves me too.?
The man said: I know that my wife loves me and not you.
After a long conversation they decided: We'll lets hold our guns & fire at each other and pretend to be dead. she will mourn for the guy she loves the most and the other person will get out of their lives.
####The wife heard the ###gunshots, she came into the ##room, ##shocked and surprised, stood staring at both the ##dead bodies.
Suddenly she started la##ughing out loudly, rejoicing and shouted: Bob... Get out of that wardrobe, these 2 i###diots are de##ad now!?
I Don't Understand Women
I was going for a drink after work with some of my workmates. I telephoned the Missus and told her that I was working late.
I got home at 1AM stumbling all over the place and fell into bed fully clothed.
In the morning I was getting the cold shoulder from the Missus.
She said to me, "I don't mind that you go out for a few drinks with your mates, what I DO mind is that you lied to me!!! We have to be honest in our relationship, no more lies, honesty is more important than anything else."
That evening, we were going out for a meal with some friends and she was trying on various outfits.
She asked me, "Does my bum look fat in this?"
I'll never understand women!
MARRIAGE
Cheaper Solutions
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
"So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
MARRIAGE
The Best Dressed Mom
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
MARRIAGE
Who's The Boss?
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
A Silent Fart
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
The couple had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said: I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
MARRIAGE
Dating Process
6 Weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you.
6 Months: Of course I love you.
6 Years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 Weeks: Honey, I'm home.
6 Months: BACK!!
6 Years: What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 Weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 Months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room!
6 Years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 Weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 Months: Here, for you.
6 Years: PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 Weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 Months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 Years: AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 Weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 Months: Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 Years: What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 Weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 Months: You bought a new dress again???
6 Years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
6 Weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 Months: I like this movie.
6 Years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
MARRIAGE
Someone Really Stinks
A young couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
MARRIAGE
Fart Your Guts Out
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of the Heaven, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
The Bathtub Fart
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
MARRIAGE
Coffee Brewing
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
MARRIAGE
Not Again!!!
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.
I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife.
"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
MARRIAGE
Divorce Counselling
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye.
"What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer, "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
50th Wedding Anniversary
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all grown and very successful, agreed to attend a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number One. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor, but despite this, we were able to save and send each of you to college. Also, we want to tell you that throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and the daughter said, "You mean we're bastards?!?"
MARRIAGE
Christmas Divorce!
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wif, "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
MARRIAGE
Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
MARRIAGE
Most Obedient
There was a father who called his 5 small children together.
As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.
He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them. He asked them, "who is the most obedient?"
Five sets of eyes looked up at him.
Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "Ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"
One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father.
"You win!" exclaimed the child.
Birthday Gift
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 9th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Please send your donations to the - "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation"
MARRIAGE
Henpecked Husband
At a dinner party the other night my wife tried to embarrass me by telling our guests about an argument that's been ongoing in our house hold.
"Yes," she said smugly. "He's well trained, I have constantly reminded him to put the seat down after he's used the toilet and like a good little boy, he now does as he's told."
They all started laughing at me then one of her friends turned to me and said, "Hha, totally pussy whipped aren't you!"
"No not really," I replied calmly. "I'v just been pissing in the sink for the last 6 months."
MARRIAGE
A Different Father
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."
MARRIAGE
Smart Wife
Scene: A husband and wife watching an a Cricket match.
After 5 minutes:
Wife: Is this Imran Tahir ??
Husband: No, this is Hashim Amla, Imran Tahir is a bowler.
Wife: Okay, oh look, another wicket.
Husband: No, this is just a replay of the last one.
Wife: Hmm, looks like Austraila is going to win this one.
Husband: It's India v/s South Africa!!
Wife: How many runs they need to win now ??
Husband: 72 runs in 36 balls.
Wife: Just 72??? That's too easy, only 2 runs in 1 ball...
Husband angrily turns off the TV.
Wife Turns it on again and starts watching her favourite daily soap.
Husband: Who is she ??
Wife: Don't disturb me.
Dealing with Wives
Wife to hubby: Darling in pictures of Shiva-Parvati, Shiva has a Trishool. In pictures of Vishnu-Lakshmi, Vishnu has Chakra in hand and pictures of Rama-Sita, Rama has bow in hand. But in case of Krishna-Radha, he has flute in hand. Why is this?
Hubby: You see dear the three God's whom you mentioned first are with the wives. That is why they have weapons. Krishna is with his girlfriend. Hence no weapons required. This shows when it comes to dealing with wives, even Gods need protection.
MARRIAGE
Say Goodbye to Mom
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her A*s with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat A*s downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
MARRIAGE
Interview of a Married Man
Interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones.
Reporter: So how is your married life?
Mr. Husband: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.
Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
Mr. Husband: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.
Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
Mr. Husband: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.......
Reporter: Hmmmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
Mr. Husband: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.
Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
Mr. Husband: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.
Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
Mr. Husband: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.
Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
Mr. Husband: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 2285 - 1.
Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free? Mr. Husband: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as we start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.
Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
Mr. Husband: Yep, quite a few:
(A). Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B). Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C). Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D). And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
MARRIAGE
Till Death Do Us Part
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe... Darling... Joe..."
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear...'Till Death Do Us Part
Chocolate Chip Cookies
An old man was lying on his deathbed.
With only hours to live, he suddenly smelt chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen. Driven on by his favourite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last bit of energy, mustering everything he had left, he reached for a cookie only to get his hand slapped.
"No," the wife snapped, "these are for the funeral!"
MARRIAGE
Where Have You Been???
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing bastard! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
MARRIAGE
Key to a Happy Marriage
For those of us "of a certain age" and for you youngsters, well, these days will come soon enough!
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband's mobile.
"Hello My Love," I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a long period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, please come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
This is what they call, "a senior moment."
MARRIAGE
Testing Sons-in-law
An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her three sons-in-law. One a fine day, she was walking along a lake shore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"
Another day she went out with her second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell in the lake and started yelling for help. The second son-in-law, too, jumped into the water and dragged her out, onto the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E-Class Mercedes at his doorstep with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy got scared and ran away without offering any help to her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day the third son-in-law was surprised to see a new brand new Rolls-Royce waiting at his doorsteps with the following wording, "Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law
Marry Me Again
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served.
"What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
MARRIAGE
Enough is Enough
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"
MARRIAGE
The Unfaithful Husband !
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
MARRIAGE
Alcohol Tolerance
Easy steps to check your Daaru tolerance:
Drink 1st peg and check the photo of your wife in your wallet.
Drink 2nd peg and do the same thing.
Drink 3rd peg and recheck.
Drink 4th peg and recheck.
If your wife starts looking beautiful, innocent & attractive, stop it there and there itself. These are indications that you hve consumed alchohol more than your normal capacity and its time to go home.
Statutory Warning:
If your wife starts looking beautiful, sexy and innocent in the 1st peg itself, than you're checking some one else's wallet
Perfect Girl!
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."
MARRIAGE
Keeping a Mistress!
A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.
The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.
He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE.
When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.
She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!
MARRIAGE
Honeymoon Package!
Woman goes to travel agent and says, "Honeymoon Ka Sasta Package Hai koi?"
Agent says, "Ji Mam, 50k mein 3N/4D in Bangkok including flight hotel and food."
Woman replies, "Aur Koi Sasta??"
Agent says, "Kashmir 3N/4D all inclusive 35k."
Woman goes, "Isse Bhi koi Sasta?"
Agent replies, "Ji Madam, Ek Special Offer Hai - 10N/11D in London and Paris via Milan, stay in honeymoon suite and complementary chauffeured car. Package is completely free!!!"
Woman is overjoyed and immediately tells him, "Awww my god!!! Yeh Toh incredible offer Hai, Zaroor Kuchh Catch Hoga?"
Agent says, "Koi catch Nahi Madam, Bas Husband Hamari Taraf Se Hota Hai!!!"
MARRIAGE
Just-a-wee-bit
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months l##ater the baby was born. When the man visited ###the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human "thing" y###ou can imagine. He rushed to his father-###in-law asking how such a thing could ###happen considering the beauty of the parents.
###Well#### explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her
Wife's Q&A
You ask your wife something and she says, "Wahan Rakha Hai."
This "Wahan" can be either:
1. On the table.
2. Or any of th 26 drawers in kitchen.
3. Or Antarctica..!!!
When wife say, "Woh Laa Do..."
It can be:
1. Her Lipstick.
2. Or milk from market.
3. Or An AK 56..!!!
When wife says, "Yeh Kya Hai..??"
It can be:
1. Your Pyjamas on the floor.
2. Or beer 6-pack in fridge.
3. Or a Drone flying over Afghanistan!
When wife says, "Tumhe Kabhi Kuch Samajh Nahi Aata..."
It can be about:
1. A new mushy WhatsApp message.
2. Or Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
3. Or her latest spending spree in Mall...!
When wife says, "Ab Bohut Ho Gaya..."
It can be :
1. The mascara she is putting.
2. Or the amount of Anthrax that needs to be put in a Biological Weapon.
3. Or the latest spat she had with your mother.
And....when wife says, "Main Kaisi Lag Rahi Hoon?"
It's GAME OVER.
It doesn't have any meaning... except confirmed annihilation.
It just puts you in a fix which Arjun had faced.... just before the War started...... in Mahabharata... as to whether you should follow Dharma ....or Karma...!!!!
MARRIAGE
Deadly Talk
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance.
A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
MARRIAGE
The Way Women Think
Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"
MARRIAGE
Is it Yours?
A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers-to-be, are pacing nervously in the Maternity Ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says, glumly. "My wife burns everything
Beautiful or Cute???
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was 'cute.'
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"
MARRIAGE
Walking Backward!
Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.
When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.
One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"
Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me, 'You've got such a great ass it could bring a dead man back to life.' So I'm not taking any chances!"
MARRIAGE
Pearls of Wisdom!
The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice.
No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES,
She must immediately change some or all THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times, Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.
The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES can not take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.
Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the FEMALE has P.M.S., all THE RULES may be null and void.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready, The MALE must be ready at all times.
MARRIAGE
It's Payback Time
Phil had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the newl-wed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Amazed that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Phil called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five
The In-laws Ministry
A mother-in-law explaining work to her newly wed Daughter-in-law.
"I am Home Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house, yur Father-in-law is the Foriegn Minister, my Son, I mean your husband runs the Ministry of Demand and Supply, and, my daughter runs Planning & Developement Ministry. Now you tell me which Ministry would you like to run?"
Daughter-in-law instantly replied with a smile, "Dear mother-in-law, I'll be the leader of OPPOSITION..."
MARRIAGE
Weekly Bridge Game!
Just Before the Weekly Bridge Game Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn't put his foot in his mouth.
One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them 'too much...'
When she finished having her shower and was finally done, she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband.
Mr. Jones looked somewhat bewildered, and he began to explain immediately, "Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes, so I asked her who held their little legs apart."
MARRIAGE
Ex-Wife!!!
George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."
George gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?
George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"
George retorts, "I wasn't..."
MARRIAGE
The Break Up
The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" asked the distraught fiancee
"Not even on her best day!" replied the salesman.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.
"Well then, is this all about 'relations'?" cried out the devastated woman.
"No, nobody does it like you babe," assured the salesman.
"Then what is it?" she screamed "What can she do that I can't"?
The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in the eyes and said, "She can sue me for child support."
And then it hit him... the four slice toaster he had bought for her the previous birthday.
Complaining About the Food
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Not in the slightest."
Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"
To which, the first woman replied, "No. Why should I object? Many people don't like the food they cook."
MARRIAGE
If You Marry An Irish Girl
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties.
The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
MARRIAGE
Never Forget The Gift!
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.
The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
MARRIAGE
Perfect Match!!!
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man.
World's Best Wife
The story may be manufactured or may be real but great for a good laugh.
A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.
The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.
He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE.
When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.
She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!
MARRIAGE
Tim and Sam
Tim: I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She too ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see, an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
MARRIAGE
New Wives
A missionary discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage.
The missionary soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.
Later, the tribal chief told the missionary the tribe had never had so much fun. The missionary asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.
"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.
"We all got new wives...!"
MARRIAGE
Husband in a Good Mood
Husband in a good mood:
Darling, remember 25 years ago.... I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white tv and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 yrs old beautiful girl.
Now I own a luxurious bungalow with, 4 LED TVs, a Limousine and a Porsche, servants... but I sleep with a 50 yrs old woman.
Wife: Dont worry... Just find yourself a 25 yrs old beautiful woman... and I will make sure that you go back to your 1 room rented apartment, table fan, black & white TV and a cycle.
Looking for a Wife
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
MARRIAGE
Who's Cheating???
A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside.
The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!"
The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside.
Moments later, the husband came in, angry, "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!' Are you saying you have other men over?"
Wife, "Well, then why did you run away?"
MARRIAGE
Welcome to the Family
A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum. The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice.
Father-in-law: Young man, you're coming to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you're chewing gum. That's a sign of disrespect!
Man: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.
Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke, and you're here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage?
Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to the club.
Father-in-law: You club too?
Man: I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.
Father-in-law: You've also been to prison before? Oh my God!
Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed someone.
Father-in-law: What!!! You're a killer?
Man: Sir, I was angry because a certain man didn't allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him!
Father-in-law: Oh! Okay.... You know what? You're highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You're absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Welcome to the family
MARRIAGE
The Big Trouble
The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.
As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."
The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.
"Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.
Unlucky Husbands
Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."
MARRIAGE
In the graveyard!
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
MARRIAGE
A Dog and a Husband!
Put your wife in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and see who is 'Happy' to see you, and who will 'BITE' you !
(You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals who are now divorced and living happily with their dog)
Don't laugh loud... the extended version says...
Put your husband in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before.
MARRIAGE
Crying for the Mother-in-Law
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"
To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus
Marriage Vows!
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.
Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' shit. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."
MARRIAGE
Rash Driving!
A couple hired a new chauffeur. The memsahib asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.
Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."
"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."
MARRIAGE
Enough about Wives...
Enough about Wives, now something for Husbands...
A new metal is added to chemistry:
Name: Husband
Symbol: Hb
Atomic Weight:
-Light when first found...
-tends to get heavier over the years with time.
Physical Properties:
Boils at any time with inlaws.
Can freeze in front of his own family.
Melts if sees other women.
Very Bitter if questioned.
Chemical Properties:
Very Reactive
Highly Unstable
Possess Strong resistance to Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards & Cheque books.
Money saving Agent.
Occurrence:
Mostly found in front of the TV.
MARRIAGE
A Burger or a Kiss!!!
Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?
Husband: What do you think I am... a gardener ?
Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?
Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?
In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.
Husband: Who did all this ?
Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options.... Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.
Wife: What do you think I am.......McDonald
Drugs For Husbands!
New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval...
ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries...
SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim...
SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV...
WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores...
SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently...
FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by.
MARRIAGE
Overconfidence!
1) Once, all villages decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella - That's Faith.
2) When you throw a baby in the air she laughs because she knows you will catch her - That's Trust.
3) Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up - That's Hope.
4) We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties - That's Confidence.
5) We see the world suffering. We know there is a possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married - That's Over Confidence.
MARRIAGE
Ex-Wife!!!
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't! "
MARRIAGE
I Lost My Car Keys...
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Before and After Marriage
BEFORE: You take my breath away.
AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
BEFORE: The Sound of Music.
AFTER: The Sound of Silence.
BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream.
AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm.
BEFORE: We agree on everything!
AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE: Charming and Noble.
AFTER: Chernobyl.
BEFORE: Ideal.
AFTER: Idle.
BEFORE: I love a woman with curves.
AFTER: I never said you were fat.
BEFORE: He's completely lost without me.
AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE: Time stood still.
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE: Blind.
AFTER: Nearsighted.
BEFORE: You look so seductive in black.
AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
MARRIAGE
Breaking Up!
George went over to his fiancee's house and sadly told his girlfriend the wedding was off. He was going to marry another woman.
His girlfriend was distraught. She asked, "How can you choose another woman over me? Is she a better cook?"
"Not on her best days, she can't match your everyday cooking."
"Does she buy you gifts like I do, the electronic toys that please men so much.?"
"She can't buy me anything. She has no job and no money."
"Then she must be beautiful and hotter! Is she that much better than me?"
"No, you are fantastic."
"Then what can this woman possibly do better than me that you want to marry her?"
"She can sue me for child support."
MARRIAGE
Never Forget Her Birthday
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Children's Day' in all my life!"
MARRIAGE
Rhyming Couplet
A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the best enteries:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
everything you are not.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of tequila, one part lime !
Senior Texting Shortcuts!
Young people have often resorted to shortcuts when texting. Now seniors have their own texting codes:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
TOT - Texting on Toilet
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
MARRIAGE
Husband's Note for his Wife
The Fifa World Cup is close by. Let me give you a few rules that will preserve your beauty.
1. The remote control belongs to me for the whole month.
2. Tell all your friends not to givev birth or wed or die or wateva during the World Cup coz we won't go.
3. No talking during the game, wait for half-time or end of the game.
4. Repeats & highlights are as good as the main match, so am gonna watch them too.
5. We can watch STAR PLUS provided actors and actresses are wearing soccer jerseys and they are in Brazil.
6. You don't just pass infront of the TV if am watching soccer, you better crawl on the floor.
7. Make sure you don't ask silly questions such as; is this Chelsea versus England?
8. No funny faces to my friends when they come for soccer.
9. There shall be no comments about Cristiano Ronaldo's looks. Professinalism shall remain an absolute part of the WC.
10. If you miss the line up please dont ask, 'Who's that guy?'
11. Ronaldo the Brazilian and Ronaldo the Portuguese are not related, India and Pakistan did not qualify, so please no stupid questions.
Thank you
MARRIAGE
Different Wavelengths
The female brain works on a different tangent than male.
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"
My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...
MARRIAGE
You are ABCDEF...
After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.
The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, "ABCDEFGHIJK."
"What does that mean?" She asked.
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!" he replied.
Wife Smiling asked, "So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?"
He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!
Rules for Men!
The untold rules for Men:
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
MARRIAGE
Message Delivered!!!
Husband sent a text to his wife at night, "Hi Honey! I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."
After a while he sent another text, "And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car."
She text back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."
MARRIAGE
Falling on Deaf Ears!
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"
The other Buddy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."
"How do you do that?" says the other.
"It's easy! I turn off the light!"
MARRIAGE
Man's Best Friend!
A real woman is man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... NO wait.... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind
Guts & Balls...
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.
MARRIAGE
Husband vs Wife
A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He couldn't control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.
The story continues...
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card.
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
Story continues...
Wife took out his husband's credit card from purse and uses it to clear all the bills. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.
Moral: Don't underestimate the power of a WIFE.
MARRIAGE
Life's Demerit System
All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this message. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Old Monk. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet poodle . (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina is single. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system.
MARRIAGE
A Dog's Life
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep...... Can I come with him tomorrow? Thanks !
Wifey Traits!
How various wife's fight with their respective husbands...
Pilot's wife: Don't fly too high...
Teacher's wife: Don't teach me...
Painter's wife: I'll paint you...
Dhobi's wife: I'll wash you...
Actor's wife: Don't act too much...
Dentist's wife: I'll break your teeth...
CA's wife: Stay with proper accountability...
Engineer's wife: I'll loosen all your parts...
Architect's wife: Stay straight or else I'll change your architecture...
and the Best one
Marketing Executive's wife: If you speak too much I'll sell you on OLX...
MARRIAGE
Happy Mother's Day!
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
MARRIAGE
Expensive Dress!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.
MARRIAGE
A True Love Story!
This 89 year old woman was arrested for lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "Can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked, the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas
Always Love Your Husband
Love your husband when he orders you to make tea or coffee because he wants to feel fresh to listen your nonstop talks...
Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females because he is just checking that you are still the best ?
Love him if he criticises your cooking because he is still improving his taste.
Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep because he is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person after being married to you.
Love him if he forgets to give you a gift on your birthday because he is saving money for your future.
Love him... Because you don't have a choice and killing is a legal offence.
MARRIAGE
Wife Won't Like It!
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said.
MARRIAGE
Tension Generating Letter
Which is the most dangerous Alphabet?
Answer is 'W'.
All the worries get initiated with 'W'...
Who
Why
What
When
Which
Whom
Where
War
Wine
Whisky
Wealth
Work
Worries
Woman
& finally, believe it or not WIFE.
And the most dangerous question coming from W (wife).
Woh kaun thi ?
All the major things a (W)oman needs in her lifetime start with the Letter 'M'?
Man.
Money.
Make-Up.
Motor Car.
Movies.
Masti.
Mall.
Last but not the least....the 2 most important......
Maid & Maaikewaale.
MARRIAGE
Secret of a Happy Marriage!
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
Change of Mind!
Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding.
After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over.
Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"
"What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Sullivan.
"Well`, said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"
MARRIAGE
Lamaze Class
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.
The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
MARRIAGE
Love Advice from Men!
Hi Uncle Tom,
I am a lady aged 26, I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home, I drove for just about 2 km from home & my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another car, when I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid, I don't know what to do now please help me.
From Anonymous
Uncle Tom's Reply:
Dear Anonymous,
Over heating of the engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator, you need to check the oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey, you must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future hope this helps.
MARRIAGE
Polishing Apples!
A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.
The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression I was down to my last nickel. I invested that in an apple and spent the entire day polishing it. At the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents!
The next day, I invested those 10 cents in 2 apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents.
I continued this 4 a month. By the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $.1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us 2 Million Dollars...!
MORAL: Hard Work Is Just Shit. Find A Chick Whose Father Is Rich.
Wedding Speech!
Wedding speech from modern girl to her in laws:
My dear new family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new house...
Firstly I must tell you that my presence here should not change your life routines...
Those who used to do the laundry must keep on doing it... Those cooking must keep cooking... Those cleaning must keep cleaning... I'll not disturb anybody's routine...
So far as I'm concerned, I'm here only to:
Eat BUN,
Have FUN and
Entertain yiur SON!!!
MARRIAGE
Making a Point!
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
MARRIAGE
Recruiting a Commando!
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!
Interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!! So do you think you are eligible?"
Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"
MARRIAGE
Contemporary Marriage!
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
Before it Starts!
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."
MARRIAGE
After 25 years of Marriage
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed."
MARRIAGE
I Love You Too Much!
On the New Year eve I was sitting with my wife on the deck, enjoying a glass of wine.
I said, "I love you so much, I could not live without you."
My wife said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the wine."
MARRIAGE
Will I be acquitted?
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Christmas Gift!
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
MARRIAGE
Stupid Husband!
Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?"
MARRIAGE
Why Guys Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
MARRIAGE
How to Avoid a Speeding Ticket
A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"
The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"
The trooper said. "Yes."
"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"
The trooper said, "Yes."
"Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"
The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
God's Help!
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing..... and the train was just seconds away!
He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
MARRIAGE
A Fitting Memorial
But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"
"Two and a half carats."
MARRIAGE
Just Pull the Plug...
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room.
Husband, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
MARRIAGE
Bikinis and Swimsuits
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
Scottish Christmas
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
MARRIAGE
Getting Married!
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.
The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"
MARRIAGE
Old Crush!!!
A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's aguy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"
MARRIAGE
Dinner Date!
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
A Wife's Wishes!
A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
- I want to be the only one in his life.
- I want him to sleep always by my side.
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!!!
MARRIAGE
Don't Be Nervous!
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
MARRIAGE
Woman's Love
When a Woman Loves!
When a woman loves you, you are a husband
When a few women love you, you are a man
When many women love you, you are a lover
When hundreds of women love you, you are an idol
When thousands of women love you, you are a leader
But,
When all the women in the world love you, you are not human... You are a diamond, gold, a rupee, a dollar, a euro, or a yen..
MARRIAGE
Not Again!
After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably.
He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:
"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me.
My Cheating Wife...
A letter from a guy to Agony Aunt:
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer ???
MARRIAGE
Marriage vs Love
Love is holding hands in the street,
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant,
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is watching movie on a sofa,
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children,
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early,
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is losing your appetite,
Marriage is losing your figure.
TV has no place in love,
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws,
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough !"
Conclusion: Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener.
MARRIAGE
Near Fatal Accident!
Husband calls his wife....
Husband, "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.
Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff.
"I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."
Wife, "Who is Susan?"
MARRIAGE
Communication Gap!
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me
Simple Explanation!
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
MARRIAGE
A Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun !"
MARRIAGE
Hobbies of Husband
A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today...
The story continues...
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, "What are you doing?" He said your husband has blocked your credit card.
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
MARRIAGE
One Fine Day!
Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.
Next day he says: Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?
Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.
That's Good!
Two friends met after a long time...
Hey, I got married!
Oh! Thats good!
No, that's bad. She's ugly!
Oh! That's Bad!
No, that's Good. She's rich!
Oh! That's good!
No, that's bad ! She won't give me a cent...
Oh! That's bad!
No, that's Good! She bought me a big house!
Oh! That's good.
No, that's bad! The house burnt down!
Oh! That's bad!
No, that's good! She was inside...!
MARRIAGE
The Civilized Couple
A civilized fight between husband & wife...
Wife: Twinkle Twinkle little star, you should know what YOU are And once YOU know what YOU are Then the Mental hospital is'nt so far.
Husband: The rain makes all things beautiful The grass & flowers too If rain makes all things beautiful, Why doesn't it rain on YOU?
Wife: Roses are red Violets are blue Monkeys like YOU should be kept in zoo.
Husband: Don't feel so angry YOU will find me there too, Not in cage but laughing at YOU.
MARRIAGE
Health Conscious!
An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive, the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.
When they arrived at heaven they were shown to a luxurious accommodation. There was a garden and a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.
The man turned to his wife and said, "You dozy cow... if it wasn't for you and your bloody health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"
MARRIAGE
Romantic Evening!!!
Two Women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening ?
Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!
Moral: Presentation does matter... No matter what the reality is.
Waking up from Surgery
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are gorgeous."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are beautiful!"
Then he fell asleep again.
After a few minutes, he again opened his eyes and said, "You are cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful,' it was now just 'Cute.'
She said, "What happened to 'gorgeous, beautiful'?"
Her husband replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
MARRIAGE
Father of Five!
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
MARRIAGE
Guess Who?
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line: 'Guess who sent them.'
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: 'Well, now you know!'
MARRIAGE
The Easier Way
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Intelligent Husband!
Wife is busy packing her clothes.
Man: And where are you going?
Wife: I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing.
Wife: And where do you think your going?
Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife: And what about the kids?
Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother....
MARRIAGE
Language Problem!
An Indian girl married a Spanish and went to Spain.
As he can't speak Spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & shows her thighs to enable the seller understand her.
This went on for sometime, one day she wanted to buy banana.
She took her husband to the shop... (don't laugh... you perverts...)
Because her husband can speak Spanish and could ask for banana in Spanish.
MARRIAGE
What's for Dinner Tonight?
Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi??
Wife: Jo aap kaho?
Husband: Dal chawal bana lo.
Wife: Abhi kal hi to khaye the?
Husband: Toh sabji roti bana lo?
Wife: Bacche nahi khayenge?
Husband: Toh chhole puri bana lo?
Wife: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai?
Husband: Eggs bhurji bana lo?
Wife: Aaj guruvaar hai?
Husband: Paraanthe ??
Wife: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai???
Husband: Hotel se mangwa lete hain??
Wife: Roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye?
Husband: Kadhi chawal??
Wife: Dahi nahi hai?
Husband: Idly sambar??
Wife: Usme time lagega. Pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!?
Husband: Maggie hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega?
Wife: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta?
Husband: Phir, ab kya banaogi??
Wife: Jo aap kaho...
MARRIAGE
I Love You, Sweetheart
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.'
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one...
10. Who is this?
Watching TV!
A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together. After five minutes:
Wife: Is that Bret Lee?
Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.
Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.
Husband: He does not have an actor brother.
Wife: What about Bruce Lee?
Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian.
Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.
Husband: No. It is called action replay.
Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.
Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta.
Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.
Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It's a free hit.
Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Hit?
Wife: Now whom is he saying 'HI' to?
Husband: He is signalling a 'Bye'.
Wife: Why is he saying 'Bye. Is the game over?
Wife: How many runs to win?
Husband: 72 in 36 balls
Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball.
Frustrated husband turns off the TV. Wife turns it on and watches 'Saraswasti Chandra'.
Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra?
Wife: Don't you dare disturb me...
MARRIAGE
Can't stop laughing
A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school."
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your children sir." In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said, "Don't tell me all these are your children ?"
The man asked her calmly, "an you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"
MARRIAGE
The Picture Diet!
A married lady, visited her elderly parents' home.
When she opened refrigerator, she was shocked to see inside a picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman in two-piece bikini.
Lady: Mom, what's this?
Mom: Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat.
Lady: Is it working?
Mom: Yes and No.
I've lost 8 kilos, but your dad has gained 20...!!!
MARRIAGE
Walking Backward!
Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.
When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.
One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"
###Francesca answered, "When E##nzo was alive he always told me 'You'v##e got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any ##chance
I'm The Boss!
The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: "I'm the Boss !"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
MARRIAGE
It Wasn't Me...
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Kumar became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a drop dead gorgeous young lady.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the lady suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Kumar, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Kumar was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly, "I did."
MARRIAGE
Fight Like a Man
Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied, "Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!'"
MARRIAGE
The Most Beautiful Woman!
A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.
It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in. This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house.
He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within, "Who is it?"
The man leaned on the door and said tenderly, "I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."
Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.
"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you bastard?" the woman roared.
The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world
Ten Million Dollars
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died."
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
MARRIAGE
Loving Wife!
After examining a patient the doctor took his wife aside and told her that her husband was gravely ill but there were 3 things she could do to ensure his survival.
1. Give him three nutritious meals every day.
2. Do not nag him.
3. Make love to him every night.
While driving back home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say ?"
"I am sorry dear but he said that you are not going to make it."
MARRIAGE
Rest in Peace!
When the rich man's will was read, his wife was very upset: he left everything to the young woman who lived next door to them and nothing to her!
She drove immediately to the cemetery to cancel her order for his headstone.
The stonecarver said, "You're too late. I already carved it just like you told me: 'Rest In Peace.'"
The woman thought a moment and then replied, "Okay, then, I'll pay you a little more to add, 'Till we meet again!'"
MARRIAGE
Clean-Shaven
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon
Luckiest Day!!!
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.... But not the poor groom!
MARRIAGE
Would You Remarry?
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No, he's left handed.....
MARRIAGE
New Number!
After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Jimmy," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
MARRIAGE
Romantic Wife
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Enough is Enough!
After a busy day commuters settled down on their train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:
"Hi darling, it's John, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's 7.00 and not 5.00 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah..."
When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, John! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!"
MARRIAGE
Threatening Mails
A worried guy telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.
"What can I do for you, sir," the special agent asked.
"I've been getting threatening letter in the mail," the guy said. "That's against the law, isn't it?"
"It certainly is," the Government man said. "Do you know who's been writing them?"
"Yeah," the guy said. "My girlfriend's husband."
MARRIAGE
My Son-in-Law is an Angel
One mother in law to another, "I heard that both your son and daughter have been married off - how are they?"
"Oh, my daughter in law is really not that good. She sleeps late and expects my son to make the morning coffee. She does not cook, wants my son to take her out to eat more."
"But my son in law is an angel. He allows my daughter to stay late in bed, even makes bed coffee for her. Insists on taking my daughter out to eat so often. I tell you, I don't know what to do with my daughter in law."
MARRIAGE
Learn to Trust your Husband...
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband, for example...
A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, 'Hello' to them
Night Out
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
MARRIAGE
Wife's Photo
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'
MARRIAGE
An Angry Wife!
An angry wife to her husband on phone.
Wife: Where the hell are you ?
Husband: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it ?
Wife (relaxed) : Yes, my dear!
Husband: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day and I said I will buy it for you one day ?
Wife (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush) : Yes I remember my love!
Husband: Good, I am in a beer parlour next to that shop!
MARRIAGE
Cheating Wives!
A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver, "Do you want to earn Rs 5000 right away?"
The driver excitedly said, "What do I have to do?"
"Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her."
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.
And the husband says to him, "This is not my wife."
The driver replied, "Nooooo, this is mine, hold her for me. I'm going for yours!"
Crazy Love!
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.
"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.
The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window.
"This is a sad case," said the man.
The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing, "William," she repeated over and over. "Oh, William!"
"She was to marry a man named William," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."
They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "William! William!"
"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost William also."
"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"
MARRIAGE
Perfect Spouse
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the result to the woman.
The result read, "Buy a television."
MARRIAGE
Where are You?
The Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband : Turn on the blender
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day...
Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love. Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Turn on the blender.
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye. The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him, "Son where is your mother?"
Son: "I do not know, she went out with blender...
MARRIAGE
Romantic Dinner!
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
Young Wife!
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
MARRIAGE
Newly Married Bride
Once a mother-in-law explaining the working of her house to her newly married Daughter-in-law.
She said, "I am the home minister as well as the finance minister of this house. Your Father in law is the Foreign minister of this house. My son, that is your husband, heads the ministry of demand and supply and my daughter that is your husband's sister, runs the planning & development ministry........!!!
"Now you tell which ministry would you like to run.......?????"
The daughter -in-law with a smile instantly replied, "Well, dear mother in law I will be running the OPPOSITION!!!!!!!"
MARRIAGE
Keep it short!
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."
The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, stupid."
MARRIAGE
Future Plans
Now that they've retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
Whose Mom!!!
Husband: Mom, called me and she is coming tomorrow, her train will reach by 4 O' Clock.
Wife: What! She came just 4 months back, right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast, she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play, as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. For how many days is she going to stay?
Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming.
Wife: Wow really! mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na, I have the number of the auto driver, please call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will get up early and make breakfast. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight.
MARRIAGE
Husband's revenge!
A woman went shopping, at cash counter she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today, so...
The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, What are you doing?"
He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
MARRIAGE
A sudden change of mind!
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you.
I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
George
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
MARRIAGE
Daring Husband
A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."
Audience was in shock and silence.
He added: "She was my mother."
(A big round of plause & laughter)
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker...
.
.
.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.
Henpecked Share Broker
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry", she said, "Mr. Natrajan is on another line".
"Oh, I'd only like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife", the secretary replied, "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
MARRIAGE
A Diamond is Forever
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.
Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."
"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"
MARRIAGE
Please Don't Interfere
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said. "Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
MARRIAGE
Never Underestimate a Woman!
A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands.
Up to 65 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 75 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "The airbag."
It's an Emergency!
A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.
"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."
The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."
The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."
MARRIAGE
Marrying an Atheist!
A young lady came home very sad from a date.
She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
Suicide Note!
Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."
Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
MARRIAGE
Cause Of Death
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Can of Peas!
This 60-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, "I will give you 6 days in jail..."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
MARRIAGE
The Great News
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
MARRIAGE
Never Lie to a Smart Woman
Husband: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.
The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"
"I did... They're in your fishing box !!!
MARRIAGE
Interview of a Married Man
Guys, here is very eye opening interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones, who may learn a few things...
Interview of a Married Man (for the benefit of the unmarried ones)
Reporter: So how is your married life?
The married man: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.
Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
The married man: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.
Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
The married man: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.
Reporter: Hmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
The married man: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.
Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
The married man: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.
Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
The married man: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.
Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
The married man: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 1876 - 1.
Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free?
The married man: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.
Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
The married man: Yep, quite a few:
(A) Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B) Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C) Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D) And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
Whose Mom!!!
Husband: Mom, called me and she is coming tomorrow, her train will reach by 4 O' Clock.
Wife: What! She came just 4 months back, right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast, she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play, as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. For how many days is she going to stay?
Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming.
Wife: Wow really! mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na, I have the number of the auto driver, please call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will get up early and make breakfast. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight.
MARRIAGE
Husband's revenge!
A woman went shopping, at cash counter she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today, so...
The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, What are you doing?"
He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
MARRIAGE
A sudden change of mind!
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you.
I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
George
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
MARRIAGE
Daring Husband
A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."
Audience was in shock and silence.
He added: "She was my mother."
(A big round of plause & laughter)
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker...
.
.
.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.
Henpecked Share Broker
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry", she said, "Mr. Natrajan is on another line".
"Oh, I'd only like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife", the secretary replied, "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
MARRIAGE
A Diamond is Forever
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.
Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."
"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"
MARRIAGE
Please Don't Interfere
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said. "Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
MARRIAGE
Never Underestimate a Woman!
A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands.
Up to 65 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 75 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "The airbag."
It's an Emergency!
A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.
"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."
The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."
The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."
MARRIAGE
Marrying an Atheist!
A young lady came home very sad from a date.
She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
Suicide Note!
Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."
Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
MARRIAGE
Cause Of Death
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Can of Peas!
This 60-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, "I will give you 6 days in jail..."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
MARRIAGE
The Great News
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
MARRIAGE
Never Lie to a Smart Woman
Husband: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.
The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"
"I did... They're in your fishing box !!!
MARRIAGE
Interview of a Married Man
Guys, here is very eye opening interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones, who may learn a few things...
Interview of a Married Man (for the benefit of the unmarried ones)
Reporter: So how is your married life?
The married man: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.
Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
The married man: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.
Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
The married man: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.
Reporter: Hmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
The married man: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.
Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
The married man: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.
Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
The married man: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.
Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
The married man: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 1876 - 1.
Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free?
The married man: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.
Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
The married man: Yep, quite a few:
(A) Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B) Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C) Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D) And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
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