Statements now quotes 2017


  • ⇍Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history o⇓f the world.


  • ⇎Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

  • If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives. 


  • ⇫Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. 


  • When there's a will, I want to be in it.



  • ⇚I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!



  • ⇙Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement. 



  • ⇙The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.


  • ⇬It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.



  • The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.


  • I⇣t's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that. 


  • Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon. 

  • The only way to know if the glass is half empty or half full is to measure it really accurately, like with a laser.


  • The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.


  • Money doesn't make happiness, it buys it already made. m 


  • Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.


  • It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated. 


  • If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club! 

  • I don't have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.


  • Age only matters if you are a cheese.


  • ⇚If you know something will go wrong and you do everything to stop it from happening, then something else will go wrong.


  • Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. - 


  • I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating. 

  • I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck! 

  • He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. 

  • f you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

  • Birthdays are nature's way of feeding us cake.

  • A misty day does not signify a cloudy day, it signifies frizzy hair. 

  • Everything happening now happens because of everything that has happened before. - 


  • ⇚The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country. 

  • ⇛I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 

  • I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you." - 


  • ⇛The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us. 


  • I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong. 


  • I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.



  • I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg. 

  • My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 


  • I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.


  • Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.



  • I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. 



  • When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep. - 



  • ⇚There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza. - 



  • ⇛All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza. - 



  • ⇛I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.



  • Dear LOL, thank you for being there for me all those times I never had something else to say. 



  • Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

  • I drank so much Vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent.


  • I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. 



  • ⇙Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time. 

  • I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!



  • ⇙I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up. 



  • Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.


  • ⇙Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 


  • ⇚I don't go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. 




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