Funny Quotes Quotes2017

I’ve got problem for your solution.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If more than one Mouse is Mice then more than one Spouse is SPICE..!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can resist everything except temptation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If it begins with a wink, it can end with a slap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You never learn anything by doing it right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Avoid hangovers stay drunk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone’s golf game. It’s called an eraser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boys are like bubble gum, sweet in the beginning, but dull in the end! 😀
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
–~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most women are not as young as they are painted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can’t be late until you show up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of. Lord only knows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like my whiskey old and my women young.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Operator, give me the number for 911!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The True Man wants 2 things: DANGER & PLAY. For that reason he wants Woman, as the Most Dangerous Plaything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is tricky; you start having hot sex in the kitchen and after a few years you end up eating cold food in bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I speak two languages, Body and English.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls could flirt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate it when people don’t remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn’t met me yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is just one damned thing after another.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every mother hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did, and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday. I guess we’ve reached the age when every compliment we get is typically accompanied by “for someone your age.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told a chemistry joke few days back. It didn’t get a reaction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Humor is reason gone mad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A joke is a very serious thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life’s a gamble and I’m calling its bluff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn’t pee on his hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke and that the joke is oneself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because there were giants standing on my shoulders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are three sides of an arguement — your side, my side and the right side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life’s absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All generalizations are false, including this one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A well developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where humor is concerned there are no standards no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy was an optimist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man was predestined to have free will.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have no fear of perfection you’ll never reach it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A onion a day keeps everyone away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No one is listening until you fart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I failed Math so may times I can’t even count.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess a drag queen’s like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together.The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years,only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never ask a drunk man a question because he will tell you the truth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My idea of an agreeable person, is a person who agrees with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I usually need a can of beer to prime me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters. I could be their leader.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One should love animals. They are so tasty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going through hell, keep going.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m gonna put a curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eggs have no business dancing with stones.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war, just couple of nations not talking with each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the real world were a book, it would never find a publisher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man’s joke is always funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A baby sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars’ worth of your food.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being a woman has only bothered me in climbing trees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People compare cheating to ice because they think its cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Girls bored me, they still do. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A line is a dot that went for a walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love u for pleasure…….If u want loyalty hire a dog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A photographer & pessimist r the two people who always think abut negatives
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting An Old Boyfriend Back With A Im Sorry Letter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A thunderstorm is God’s way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is one fool thing after another where as love is two fool things after each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny is an attitude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You get fifteen Democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At this moment I do not have a personal relationship with a computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The road to success is always under construction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women sleep on the right side of the bed because even while sleeping they have to be right!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally figured out what mosquitoes are for – they are God’s way to make us slap ourselves!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The world is divided into people who do things – and people who get the credit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you see a homeless man, feel no pity. He should have listened to his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No man stands so straight as when he stoops to help a boy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

art of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men’s behavior is measured with a feminine ruler.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some men have a den in their home, while others just growl all over the house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Macho doesn’t prove mucho.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say women talk too much. If you have worked in Congress you know that the filibuster was invented by men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s not the men in my life, it’s the life in my men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lord, lord, how subject we men are to this vice of lying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they’ve had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are clinging to football on a level we aren’t even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It’s our Alamo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I’ve ever met.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station. – Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No, please don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Car Manufacturer’s formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the score card.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The difference between a great golfer and an average golfer is not that a great golfer is incapable of hitting a poor shot, it is what he does after that shot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hold several records on the golf course, but they all pertain to beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They named it GOLF because all the other Four- Letter words were taken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everybody’s funny if you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that’s not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there’d be something funny about it to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leave a comment Tag: Jilly Cooper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have funny bones. If there’s ever any kind of tension, I’ll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I’m not that. I don’t want to be that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People never ask people doing serious music, ‘Do you ever think about doing funny music?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m always more motivated by the pain of a funny character than by what makes him funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stealing, you’ll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I value comedy. I value somebody who can be funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I giggle when I put myself down. It’s just funny to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And write what you love – don’t feel pressured to write serious prose if what you like is to be funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! At our age, I don’t know why people expect us to remember their birthdays. On a good day, we’re lucky if we even remember where our car keys are!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! Considering all the candles on your cake, I hope you remembered to top up your fire insurance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday. Don’t be sad you’re a year older. Keep your chin up…if you can! Well, you know what I mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them! Happy birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday. At our age, the only way to look younger is to add at least a decade to your age.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday. At your age, you should really live LARGE…starting with LARGE print.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday. Stop counting your candles and start counting your blessings. You still have hair on your head, not in your ears and nose!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know how most people, on your birthday, tell you, “My goodness, you never seem to age.” Well, I’m not one of them. Happy birthday, old fart!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, you’re getting older and wrinklier every day, but it could be worse…you could still have an acne problem! Happy birthday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say that with age comes wisdom. I’m not so sure…I’ve met a lot of really stupid old people. So far, you’re not one of them. Happy birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whoever said that time waits for no man, but stands still for a woman of 30, is an idiot. No woman in her right mind would admit to turning 30. Happy 29th birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time may heal all wounds, but it leaves you with an unhealthy glow, saggy skin and crow’s feet. Happy birthday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! Another year, another reason to curse the inventor of the first modern mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sure, getting older is like a time travel movie in slow motion…but better slow than fast, I always say! I’m in no rush to get to the end of the film. Happy birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are only young and reckless once, but you can be reckless well into your hip-breaking days. Happy birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday. You know you’re getting old when you lose count midway through counting the candles on your birthday cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only thing uncool about getting older is that all the things you thought were really lame growing up are super cool now. Golf, anyone? Happy birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! On your special day, make time to play in your birthday suit…but first make sure it’s clean, and wrinkle-free and doesn’t smell weird.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Statistics show that people who keep celebrating birthdays live longer but eventually look worse than Keith Richards in the morning. Happy birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you blow out all these candles or should I call the fire department? Happy birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Count your blessings, not your age spots. Happy birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You still have the face of an angel — not a day older than when you first bought it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday, kiddo! You’ll know you’ve reached adulthood when your birthday cards no longer contain money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday to a real wonder — someone who acts and looks younger than any person I know our age. I really hate you. Like really, really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! Your skin is way too taut and firm for someone who’s at least a decade past the age when most of us experience the dreaded pull of gravity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Happy birthday! You may not consider yourself over the hill yet but you have to admit you’re starting to feel really woozy from the climb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Birthday candles? Blowing them out at your age is not a good idea. You might lose your dentures and knock someone out. Here’s to a safer birthday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! I wanted to get you something tremendous, something that just gets better and better every day, but I couldn’t find a box big enough for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday to my oldest friend! Didn’t we always say getting older would be a real gas? Well, we were right — excess gas and antacid tablets are the bane of our existence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! Don’t worry, you’re still a kid — your friends still blow out your birthday candles before you do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You have so many candles on your birthday cake you can see the candlelight from space.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! When we were younger, we always thought getting older meant we could do whatever we wanted— we never realized that this applied only to our bodies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn’t belong in a smart people’s club.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the champ, everything is serious business. I’m hoping that he’ll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is just a piece of paper if it’s not a happy one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humans were built to look back; that’s why we have that swivel joint in our necks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gentleness doesn’t get work done unless you happen to be a hen laying eggs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~0

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let the old woman have her God, God was as necessary for old women as enemas and Lipton tea bags.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


She’s the sort of woman who lives for others – you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Exceptionally we find a law which does not have an exception
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pride was the belt you used to hold your pants up when you had no pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Disney parks are scripted, and I hate that. Hate it. I think what they are doing down there in Orlando is fun-pimping.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beware the dark stranger! He rides a unicycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hatred can become like food, it gives you this energy that you can, like, live off …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If your relationship has more issues than a magazine, I suggest you cancel that subscription.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A skeptic is a person who would ask God for his ID card.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If all you say are lies what do you say that is true?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been @scientifically proven that too many birthdays will loosen t#he skin just below your chin, making you look like Jabba the Hu@tt from Star Wars. Happy bi#rthday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wo#nder# why you #can always r#ead a doctor’s bil#l and you can ne#ver read #his prescr#iption.