⧭⧭To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human⬱⬱
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
⧭⧭Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The road to success is always under construction.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
⧭⧭The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
🔀🔀Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
🔀🔀Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die⬊⬉⬉
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
⧭⧭I love my job only when I'm on vacation.
You can only be young once. ⬊⬊But you can always be immature.
Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway
A joke is a very serious thing.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
We have to do the impossible, but it is possible.
⧭⧭Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
You never run out of things that can go wrong.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
Playing the stock market is very similar to playing the lottery, except you actually win sometimes at the lottery.
⧭⧭If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to ⬈⬈take their own and depart.
The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does.
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits. -
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
Gasoline is getting more expensive because transporting it costs more when it gets more expensive.
⧭⧭The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ⬉⬉ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine. -
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
After (M)onday and (T)uesday comes WTF...
You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong.
Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
⧭To the guy who created imaginary numbers in ⬈⬈Math: I hate you.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.m
Do you want to feel the breath of the person next to you? Do you want to feel them touching you and rubbing against you? Take public transit.
The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.
I know the voices in my head aren't real..but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome! -
You can't make a circle of friends with a compass.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
I feel the best when I am happy
⧭⧭It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.
I'm not clumsy⬺⬺The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet.
If you have an issue, get a tissue.
Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
⧭⧭I love my computer because all my friends live inside ⬉⬉it.
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
In America, it is not important how much an item costs, it's more important how much you can save when you buy it.
It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.
When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail. -
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time.
⧭⧭My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs ⬊⬊you after all.
Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it -
In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry
I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
Man came down from the tree, then he cut the tree down.
⬉⬉No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. -
⧭⧭The amount of time it takes for a ⬉⬉minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to the bathroom door.
⧭⧭There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now. -
Those who snore always fall asleep first⬊⬊⬊
⧭⧭Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim⬊⬊⬊
⧪⧪When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.
Buy our alarm clock and you will sleep soundly⬊⬊
⧭⧭If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a ⬊⬊dog.
This e-book is terrible, I'm going to burn it! I mean delete it.
⧭Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going -
⧬⧬Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it ⬉⬉deserves.
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. -
I am too lazy to be lazy.
⧭⧭Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.
He who laughs.....lasts.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
⧬⧬My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
The decision to decide is a decision in itself.
You can't have everything... where would you put it
⧭⧭Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking bee⬉⬉⬉
Smile while you still have teeth.
A toy that can't be broken can be used to break other toys.
⧭⧭Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text. -
My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museum.
Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.
⧭⧭Just because it's called makeup, it doesn't mean it should make up 100% of your face.
⧭⧭Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
⧭⧭If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible.
Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. -
Never ask a starfish for directions.
⧭When nothing is going right, ⧭go left.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.
⧭My goal this weekend is to move⧭⧭just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
⧭⧭Whenever I clean my closet I take a ⧭⧭GPS with me, so I can find my way back. -
⧭⧭I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
⧭Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
⧭⧭My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.
⧭I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle⧭⧭
Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples -
⧭Please cancel my subscription to your issues⧭⧭
Relax, it's the weekend⧭⧭just don't blink or it will be all over.
Never judge a book by it's movie
I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.
Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!
⧭Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 ⬊⬊year old.
⧭They say "don't try this at home⬊⬊so I'm coming over to your house to try it. -
⧭If Monday had a face... ⬊I would punch it.
⧭Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.
⧭Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself. -
⧭⧭I made a huge to do list for today. ⧭I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
⧭I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same.
⧭Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is ⬋⬋eating them.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
⧭⧭Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to ⬊⬊⬊call it "Returning the favor. -
⧭⧭Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
⧭If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, ⬉⬉just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
⧭I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, ⧭I don't even know where sandwiches live.
⧭When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning⧭⧭I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem ⬊⬊solver.
⧭I would like to apologize to anyone whom I ⬊haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
⧭⧭Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The road to success is always under construction.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
⧭⧭The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
🔀🔀Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
🔀🔀Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die⬊⬉⬉
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
⧭⧭I love my job only when I'm on vacation.
You can only be young once. ⬊⬊But you can always be immature.
Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway
A joke is a very serious thing.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
We have to do the impossible, but it is possible.
⧭⧭Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
You never run out of things that can go wrong.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
Playing the stock market is very similar to playing the lottery, except you actually win sometimes at the lottery.
⧭⧭If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to ⬈⬈take their own and depart.
The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does.
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits. -
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
Gasoline is getting more expensive because transporting it costs more when it gets more expensive.
⧭⧭The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ⬉⬉ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine. -
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
After (M)onday and (T)uesday comes WTF...
You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong.
Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
⧭To the guy who created imaginary numbers in ⬈⬈Math: I hate you.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.m
Do you want to feel the breath of the person next to you? Do you want to feel them touching you and rubbing against you? Take public transit.
The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.
I know the voices in my head aren't real..but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome! -
You can't make a circle of friends with a compass.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
I feel the best when I am happy
⧭⧭It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.
I'm not clumsy⬺⬺The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet.
If you have an issue, get a tissue.
Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
⧭⧭I love my computer because all my friends live inside ⬉⬉it.
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
In America, it is not important how much an item costs, it's more important how much you can save when you buy it.
It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.
When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail. -
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time.
⧭⧭My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs ⬊⬊you after all.
Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it -
In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry
I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
Man came down from the tree, then he cut the tree down.
⬉⬉No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. -
⧭⧭The amount of time it takes for a ⬉⬉minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to the bathroom door.
⧭⧭There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now. -
Those who snore always fall asleep first⬊⬊⬊
⧭⧭Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim⬊⬊⬊
⧪⧪When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.
Buy our alarm clock and you will sleep soundly⬊⬊
⧭⧭If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a ⬊⬊dog.
This e-book is terrible, I'm going to burn it! I mean delete it.
⧭Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going -
⧬⧬Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it ⬉⬉deserves.
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. -
I am too lazy to be lazy.
⧭⧭Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.
He who laughs.....lasts.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
⧬⧬My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
The decision to decide is a decision in itself.
You can't have everything... where would you put it
⧭⧭Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking bee⬉⬉⬉
Smile while you still have teeth.
A toy that can't be broken can be used to break other toys.
⧭⧭Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text. -
My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museum.
Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.
⧭⧭Just because it's called makeup, it doesn't mean it should make up 100% of your face.
⧭⧭Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
⧭⧭If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible.
Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. -
Never ask a starfish for directions.
⧭When nothing is going right, ⧭go left.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.
⧭My goal this weekend is to move⧭⧭just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
⧭⧭Whenever I clean my closet I take a ⧭⧭GPS with me, so I can find my way back. -
⧭⧭I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
⧭Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
⧭⧭My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.
⧭I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle⧭⧭
Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples -
⧭Please cancel my subscription to your issues⧭⧭
Relax, it's the weekend⧭⧭just don't blink or it will be all over.
Never judge a book by it's movie
I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.
Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!
⧭Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 ⬊⬊year old.
⧭They say "don't try this at home⬊⬊so I'm coming over to your house to try it. -
⧭If Monday had a face... ⬊I would punch it.
⧭Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.
⧭Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself. -
⧭⧭I made a huge to do list for today. ⧭I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
⧭I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same.
⧭Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is ⬋⬋eating them.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
⧭⧭Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to ⬊⬊⬊call it "Returning the favor. -
⧭⧭Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
⧭If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, ⬉⬉just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
⧭I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, ⧭I don't even know where sandwiches live.
⧭When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning⧭⧭I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem ⬊⬊solver.
⧭I would like to apologize to anyone whom I ⬊haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
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