⬉⬉If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all⬌⬌⬌
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
⧭⧭Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!
I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE.
⧭⧭I lost control. Offering reward to anyone who finds it.
Next week I'm⬊⬊ going on a diet, you can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
⧭⧭Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they ⬉⬉⬉did, why don't you let them
⧭⧭Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!
I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don't let me come back until I change my attitude.
Let's have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.
Growing up is amazing, until you get old!
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna pee on myself.
⧭⧭When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
Do you ever go out, ⬉⬉⬉and then something happens and you think to yourself 'this is exactly why I don't go out⬊⬊⬊
If it's the fifth day in a row that you don't feel like working, it means it's finally Friday!
Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.
I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married... and then it was too late.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me.
It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.
Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
⬈⬈I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
I love you forever... but I can't live that long.
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurrasic Park.
I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu... But a care bear, I'd definitely fight a care bear for you. -
You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The decision to decide is a decision in itself.
Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor
⧭⧭What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact ⬉⬉the zoo.'
Think you're smart? Come over and help me with my homework.
⬰⬰When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I'm grown up, I know I was right.
They say money doesn't bring happiness, but everyone still wants to prove it for themselves.
The secret of success is to go from mistake to mistake without losing your enthusiasm.
⧭⧭⧭Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
⬉⬉⬉Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.
⧭⧭He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy.
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house.
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. -
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
⧭⧭Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears⬉⬉⬉⬉
⧭⧭Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.
You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new cleaning sponge at the kitchen sink.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
A UFO!? Quick, grab the worst camera we own.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Newspaper Ad. FREE PUPPIES: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbors dog.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
⬉⬉I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that's dangerous. But a super humid room... well not too humid, because you know... my hair.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
Smiles are contagious... be a carrier.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant om
In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care?
Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.
⧭⧭Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?
⧭⧭My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
W⬻⬻hy does the bad piano player refuse to play when you offer him $100 to play? The neighbour already gave him $200 to stop playing.
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
Stop! You're under arrest for being too sexy. Your sentence is an eternity inside my heart.
There was a robot invented in China that catches thieves. In Australia it caught 10 thieves, in America it caught 100, in France 1000, and in Romania, somebody stole the robot.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
⬊⬊It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth⬉⬉⬉
When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.
The only English words I saw in Japan were Sony and Mitsubishi.
I don't have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
I have a new hair style today, it's called "I tried."
I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you.
I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats.
⧭⧭Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini didn't produce a single car until Enzo Ferrari made him angry.
⬉⬉Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library.
The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed Internet.
A few days ago I lost my weapon of Math instruction... my trusty pocket calculator.
The world today doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you. "Yeah. So is a grenade
⧭⧭Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
⬉⬉I called tech support and told them my computer is frozen. They said to hold the power button, and I was like 'Ummm.. it's covered with ice man.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back.
⬊⬊After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said⧭⧭⧭No hablo ingles.
A day without coffee is like something without something.
Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* Whew, I got down those stairs fast.
Never judge a book by it's movie -
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around. -
But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.
⬉⬉Two mice are eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other: this movie is good, but the book was better!
⬊⬊How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
⬊⬊Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet.
⬱⬱One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
⧭Tried going out with my girlfriend but by the time she finished putting on her makeup the weekend was over⬊⬊⬊
⬉Sometimes you succeed.... and other times you learn.
When I saw the monkeys at the zoo it reminded me of watching political debates on TV.
⬉I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff. How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf. How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
Stop destroying the Earth, it's where I keep all my stuff.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone. -
W⬉hy do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.
Out of my mind! Back in five minutes.
⬉Birthdays are nature's way of feeding us cake.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. .
Dear life, I understand very clearly that you are not fair so you can stop teaching me that lesson.
Always run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you.
If there's no love in the world,... let's make some.
You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong.
You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted
Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day.
I don't have the time or crayons to explain myself to you.
In America, it is not important how much an item costs, it's more important how much you can save when you buy it.
⬉⬉I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.
⧭⧭
⧭Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.
⬀True love is truly amazing only when it's truly true.
⬀⧭I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing. -
⧭Don't wake me up! I'm studying.
⧭Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
⧭Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.
The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.
⬋⬋⬋When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, ⬋⬋⬋but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.
⧭⧭Age only matters if you are a cheese.
Love is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, it's good to at least have a good hand.
⧭⧭⧭I drank so much Vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
Some people have "aha" moments, I just have "Oh Seriously?" moments.
I'm like Pacman when I'm at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.
⬉⬉Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting⬈⬈⬈ married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter,.. like watching TV, and having a beer.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
⧭⧭⧭What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump⬋⬋⬋⬋
⧭⧭After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?
Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?
I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.
⬉⬉One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.
Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Don't press your luck, you might pop it.m
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I'm with you.
⧭⧭Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.
⬉⬉I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
Never run away when you see a bear, unless you know you can beat some of the other runners.
⬈⬈The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.
Bathroom sign above toilet: It's like basketball, the basket is bigger than the ball! Learn to score properly!
Luckiness top moment: To get run over by an ambulance.
What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies? The bank machine.
I know how to live my life to the fullest.. but let's speak later after I finish playing some computer games.
It snowed so much last night that this morning my backyard was full of penguins.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
⧬⧬To be a good hunter you need good eyes, a steady hand, and a loud voice so you can yell for help when you're in a tree top.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!
⧭⧭Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!
⬉⬉Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
⬉⬉If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
🔝🔝Life is too short to remove USB safely.
🔝🔝I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same.
Finding a treasure is like working on algebra equations, all you have to do is find the X.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
⧭⧭On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.
I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
⬉⬉Facebook status: I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.
⬑⬑What you call dog with no legs?Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now.
My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot.
⧭⧭When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it⬉⬉
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
⧭⧭My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
⬀⧭Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy.
Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix.
A misty day does not signify a cloudy day, it signifies frizzy hair.
Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get used to it it's not so hot any more.
My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
You already know something you don't even know that you know.
⧭⧭I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and ⬉⬉I let them dry.
⧭⧭In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.
I feel the best when I am happy.
⧭⧭Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives⬉⬉
⬉⬉Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
⬉⬉Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway
⧭Press any key to continue, where's the any key?' - Homer Simpson
⬈Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
⧭Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
⧭⧭Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!
I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE.
⧭⧭I lost control. Offering reward to anyone who finds it.
Next week I'm⬊⬊ going on a diet, you can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
⧭⧭Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they ⬉⬉⬉did, why don't you let them
⧭⧭Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!
I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don't let me come back until I change my attitude.
Let's have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.
Growing up is amazing, until you get old!
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna pee on myself.
⧭⧭When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
Do you ever go out, ⬉⬉⬉and then something happens and you think to yourself 'this is exactly why I don't go out⬊⬊⬊
If it's the fifth day in a row that you don't feel like working, it means it's finally Friday!
Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.
I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married... and then it was too late.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me.
It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.
Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
⬈⬈I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
I love you forever... but I can't live that long.
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurrasic Park.
I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu... But a care bear, I'd definitely fight a care bear for you. -
You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The decision to decide is a decision in itself.
Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor
⧭⧭What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact ⬉⬉the zoo.'
Think you're smart? Come over and help me with my homework.
⬰⬰When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I'm grown up, I know I was right.
They say money doesn't bring happiness, but everyone still wants to prove it for themselves.
The secret of success is to go from mistake to mistake without losing your enthusiasm.
⧭⧭⧭Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
⬉⬉⬉Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.
⧭⧭He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy.
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house.
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. -
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
⧭⧭Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears⬉⬉⬉⬉
⧭⧭Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.
You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new cleaning sponge at the kitchen sink.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
A UFO!? Quick, grab the worst camera we own.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Newspaper Ad. FREE PUPPIES: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbors dog.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
⬉⬉I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that's dangerous. But a super humid room... well not too humid, because you know... my hair.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
Smiles are contagious... be a carrier.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant om
In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care?
Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.
⧭⧭Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?
⧭⧭My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
W⬻⬻hy does the bad piano player refuse to play when you offer him $100 to play? The neighbour already gave him $200 to stop playing.
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
Stop! You're under arrest for being too sexy. Your sentence is an eternity inside my heart.
There was a robot invented in China that catches thieves. In Australia it caught 10 thieves, in America it caught 100, in France 1000, and in Romania, somebody stole the robot.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
⬊⬊It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth⬉⬉⬉
When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.
The only English words I saw in Japan were Sony and Mitsubishi.
I don't have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
I have a new hair style today, it's called "I tried."
I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you.
I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats.
⧭⧭Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini didn't produce a single car until Enzo Ferrari made him angry.
⬉⬉Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library.
The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed Internet.
A few days ago I lost my weapon of Math instruction... my trusty pocket calculator.
The world today doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you. "Yeah. So is a grenade
⧭⧭Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
⬉⬉I called tech support and told them my computer is frozen. They said to hold the power button, and I was like 'Ummm.. it's covered with ice man.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back.
⬊⬊After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said⧭⧭⧭No hablo ingles.
A day without coffee is like something without something.
Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* Whew, I got down those stairs fast.
Never judge a book by it's movie -
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around. -
But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.
⬉⬉Two mice are eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other: this movie is good, but the book was better!
⬊⬊How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
⬊⬊Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet.
⬱⬱One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
⧭Tried going out with my girlfriend but by the time she finished putting on her makeup the weekend was over⬊⬊⬊
⬉Sometimes you succeed.... and other times you learn.
When I saw the monkeys at the zoo it reminded me of watching political debates on TV.
⬉I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff. How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf. How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
Stop destroying the Earth, it's where I keep all my stuff.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone. -
W⬉hy do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.
Out of my mind! Back in five minutes.
⬉Birthdays are nature's way of feeding us cake.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. .
Dear life, I understand very clearly that you are not fair so you can stop teaching me that lesson.
Always run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you.
If there's no love in the world,... let's make some.
You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that's when you know something's wrong.
You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted
Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day.
I don't have the time or crayons to explain myself to you.
In America, it is not important how much an item costs, it's more important how much you can save when you buy it.
⬉⬉I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.
⧭⧭
⧭Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.
⬀True love is truly amazing only when it's truly true.
⬀⧭I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing. -
⧭Don't wake me up! I'm studying.
⧭Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
⧭Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.
The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.
⬋⬋⬋When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, ⬋⬋⬋but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.
⧭⧭Age only matters if you are a cheese.
Love is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, it's good to at least have a good hand.
⧭⧭⧭I drank so much Vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
Some people have "aha" moments, I just have "Oh Seriously?" moments.
I'm like Pacman when I'm at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.
⬉⬉Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting⬈⬈⬈ married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter,.. like watching TV, and having a beer.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
⧭⧭⧭What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump⬋⬋⬋⬋
⧭⧭After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?
Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?
I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.
⬉⬉One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.
Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Don't press your luck, you might pop it.m
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I'm with you.
⧭⧭Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.
⬉⬉I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
Never run away when you see a bear, unless you know you can beat some of the other runners.
⬈⬈The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.
Bathroom sign above toilet: It's like basketball, the basket is bigger than the ball! Learn to score properly!
Luckiness top moment: To get run over by an ambulance.
What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies? The bank machine.
I know how to live my life to the fullest.. but let's speak later after I finish playing some computer games.
It snowed so much last night that this morning my backyard was full of penguins.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
⧬⧬To be a good hunter you need good eyes, a steady hand, and a loud voice so you can yell for help when you're in a tree top.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!
⧭⧭Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!
⬉⬉Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
⬉⬉If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
🔝🔝Life is too short to remove USB safely.
🔝🔝I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same.
Finding a treasure is like working on algebra equations, all you have to do is find the X.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
⧭⧭On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.
I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
⬉⬉Facebook status: I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.
⬑⬑What you call dog with no legs?Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now.
My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot.
⧭⧭When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it⬉⬉
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
⧭⧭My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
⬀⧭Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy.
Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix.
A misty day does not signify a cloudy day, it signifies frizzy hair.
Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get used to it it's not so hot any more.
My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
You already know something you don't even know that you know.
⧭⧭I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and ⬉⬉I let them dry.
⧭⧭In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.
I feel the best when I am happy.
⧭⧭Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives⬉⬉
⬉⬉Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
⬉⬉Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway
⧭Press any key to continue, where's the any key?' - Homer Simpson
⬈Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
⧭Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
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