The Wedding Ring
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
MARRIAGE
Loving Wife!
Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
MARRIAGE
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
MARRIAGE
Missing Wife
Man: I lost my wife.
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim, can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of the eyes?
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Man: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Saree/suit. I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her???
Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, brown eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together, we jog together... And the man started crying....
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first
Upside Down!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.
MARRIAGE
Generation gap
During one "generation-gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
MARRIAGE
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
MARRIAGE
Just Like My Wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Marriage Advice
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I.
The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband.
He said, "She's probably right."
MARRIAGE
Good News!
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
MARRIAGE
Smart husband
Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."
He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."
MARRIAGE
Marriage Revenge
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson, "But I want you to."
Wife, "But why?"
Johnson, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal
Loving Wife
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
MARRIAGE
Wrong Number!!!
A married couple had just crawled into bed on night when the phone started to ring.
The man got up to answer it, "How the hell should I know, that's a thousand miles away!" he exclaimed before slamming down the receiver.
"Who was that?" asked a puzzled wife.
"I don't have any idea," said the husband. "Some guy wanted to know if the coast is clear."
MARRIAGE
Wife's Photograph
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
MARRIAGE
Best Friend
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"
Love and Marriage
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
MARRIAGE
Woman's point of view
From a woman's point of view:
- The most perfect man in the world is her father.
- The most abused husband in the world is her brother.
- The most handsome man in the world is her son.
- The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister's husband.
- The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.
- And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her husband.
MARRIAGE
Genealogy Explained
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
MARRIAGE
Cosmetic Surgery
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
A matter of Will
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learnt he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stone cutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again'."
MARRIAGE
Being Late
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"
MARRIAGE
Organic Vegetables
A wife goes to the local market to buy some organic vegetables for her husbands. She came back rather upset.
When her husband asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him, 'Where the organic Vegetables were?' He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husbands. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?
And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself'."
MARRIAGE
Birthday Cake
For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
The Obituary
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale'."
MARRIAGE
Routine Checks
One day a woman went to her doctor for her physical. After all of the routine checks and 'female' exam, she was given great results.
Very happy and excited, she went home to meet her husband.
"How did it go?" he asked.
"Wonderful," she said, "the doctor said I have a tight package."
"Did he say anything about your BIG ASS?"
"Nope, he didn't mention YOUR name the whole time I was there!!"
MARRIAGE
Married Men Only!
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.
MARRIAGE
An innocent gesture
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Field Equipment
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."
A week later he returned.
"Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
MARRIAGE
Fortune Teller
A man was wandering around a fairground, and he happened to see a fortune teller``s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah...." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"Ha, you fortune tellers are all a sham!" said the man, scornfully. "Im the father of THREE children!"
The woman grinned and said, "That``s what YOU think..."
MARRIAGE
Wife Gets Even
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn``t see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn``t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
MARRIAGE
Just Fooling Around
A man sitting at the window one evening casually calls to his wife, "There``s that woman that our next door neighbor is fooling around with!"
His wife dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and broke it on her way to the window.
"WHERE? WHERE? she demanded.
"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."
"YOU IDIOT! THAT``S HIS WIFE!!!"
"Yes, I know," the husband said, with a satisfied grin.
Who's The Boss?
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one," the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken," said the farmer.
MARRIAGE
Have an Affair
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Peter told his friend Alex.
Alex suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Peter.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Peter. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Alex.
So Peter went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."
MARRIAGE
The Argument
A husband and wife were involved in an argument both of them unwilling to admit that they might be wrong.
"I'll admit I was wrong", the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt at straightening things out, "If you'll admit that I'm right!"
He agreed and like gentlemen do, he let her go first.
"I'm wrong", she said.
With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "You're right!"
MARRIAGE
Paper Thin Walls
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the wife was upstairs and the husband was downstairs on the telephone. He was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet his neighbor.
"Give this to your wife," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into his hands. "She's been yelling for it for 20 minutes!"
An Idiot
A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?" the husband asked.
She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
MARRIAGE
A tired dog!
A tired dog!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
MARRIAGE
500 Excuses to Give Your Wife
A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.
Salesman: Hello, would you like to buy a book titled 500 excuses to give your wife for staying out late?
Woman : Why on earth would I buy a book like that ?
Salesman: Because, I sold a copy to your husband this morning.
MARRIAGE
Cooking Lesson
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the Kitchen, "Careful... Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
"Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
"They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving"
Insulting Mother-In-Law
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.
"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed."But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"
MARRIAGE
Drowning Wife
Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
MARRIAGE
A Faint Moan...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the fucking wall!"
MARRIAGE
Miraculous and Powerful Wife
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem Can there be greater than this one?'
Alcohol abuse lecture
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
MARRIAGE
Never Mess with a Woman
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began shouting greetings to her, "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," she replied.
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!
NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)
MARRIAGE
The good news about the bad news
Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
MARRIAGE
All but One
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Smith on the third floor."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
MARRIAGE
Loving Wife!
Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
MARRIAGE
Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
MARRIAGE
Missing Wife
Man: I lost my wife.
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim, can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of the eyes?
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Man: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Saree/suit. I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her???
Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, brown eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together, we jog together... And the man started crying....
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first
Upside Down!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.
MARRIAGE
Generation gap
During one "generation-gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
MARRIAGE
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
MARRIAGE
Just Like My Wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Marriage Advice
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I.
The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband.
He said, "She's probably right."
MARRIAGE
Good News!
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
MARRIAGE
Smart husband
Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."
He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."
MARRIAGE
Marriage Revenge
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson, "But I want you to."
Wife, "But why?"
Johnson, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal
Loving Wife
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
MARRIAGE
Wrong Number!!!
A married couple had just crawled into bed on night when the phone started to ring.
The man got up to answer it, "How the hell should I know, that's a thousand miles away!" he exclaimed before slamming down the receiver.
"Who was that?" asked a puzzled wife.
"I don't have any idea," said the husband. "Some guy wanted to know if the coast is clear."
MARRIAGE
Wife's Photograph
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
MARRIAGE
Best Friend
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"
Love and Marriage
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
MARRIAGE
Woman's point of view
From a woman's point of view:
- The most perfect man in the world is her father.
- The most abused husband in the world is her brother.
- The most handsome man in the world is her son.
- The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister's husband.
- The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.
- And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her husband.
MARRIAGE
Genealogy Explained
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
MARRIAGE
Cosmetic Surgery
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
A matter of Will
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learnt he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stone cutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again'."
MARRIAGE
Being Late
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"
MARRIAGE
Organic Vegetables
A wife goes to the local market to buy some organic vegetables for her husbands. She came back rather upset.
When her husband asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him, 'Where the organic Vegetables were?' He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husbands. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?
And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself'."
MARRIAGE
Birthday Cake
For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
The Obituary
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale'."
MARRIAGE
Routine Checks
One day a woman went to her doctor for her physical. After all of the routine checks and 'female' exam, she was given great results.
Very happy and excited, she went home to meet her husband.
"How did it go?" he asked.
"Wonderful," she said, "the doctor said I have a tight package."
"Did he say anything about your BIG ASS?"
"Nope, he didn't mention YOUR name the whole time I was there!!"
MARRIAGE
Married Men Only!
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.
MARRIAGE
An innocent gesture
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Field Equipment
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."
A week later he returned.
"Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
MARRIAGE
Fortune Teller
A man was wandering around a fairground, and he happened to see a fortune teller``s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah...." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"Ha, you fortune tellers are all a sham!" said the man, scornfully. "Im the father of THREE children!"
The woman grinned and said, "That``s what YOU think..."
MARRIAGE
Wife Gets Even
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn``t see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn``t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
MARRIAGE
Just Fooling Around
A man sitting at the window one evening casually calls to his wife, "There``s that woman that our next door neighbor is fooling around with!"
His wife dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and broke it on her way to the window.
"WHERE? WHERE? she demanded.
"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."
"YOU IDIOT! THAT``S HIS WIFE!!!"
"Yes, I know," the husband said, with a satisfied grin.
Who's The Boss?
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one," the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken," said the farmer.
MARRIAGE
Have an Affair
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Peter told his friend Alex.
Alex suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Peter.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Peter. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Alex.
So Peter went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."
MARRIAGE
The Argument
A husband and wife were involved in an argument both of them unwilling to admit that they might be wrong.
"I'll admit I was wrong", the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt at straightening things out, "If you'll admit that I'm right!"
He agreed and like gentlemen do, he let her go first.
"I'm wrong", she said.
With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "You're right!"
MARRIAGE
Paper Thin Walls
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the wife was upstairs and the husband was downstairs on the telephone. He was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet his neighbor.
"Give this to your wife," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into his hands. "She's been yelling for it for 20 minutes!"
An Idiot
A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?" the husband asked.
She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
MARRIAGE
A tired dog!
A tired dog!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
MARRIAGE
500 Excuses to Give Your Wife
A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.
Salesman: Hello, would you like to buy a book titled 500 excuses to give your wife for staying out late?
Woman : Why on earth would I buy a book like that ?
Salesman: Because, I sold a copy to your husband this morning.
MARRIAGE
Cooking Lesson
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the Kitchen, "Careful... Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
"Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
"They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving"
Insulting Mother-In-Law
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.
"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed."But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"
MARRIAGE
Drowning Wife
Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
MARRIAGE
A Faint Moan...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the fucking wall!"
MARRIAGE
Miraculous and Powerful Wife
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem Can there be greater than this one?'
Alcohol abuse lecture
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
MARRIAGE
Never Mess with a Woman
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began shouting greetings to her, "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," she replied.
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!
NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)
MARRIAGE
The good news about the bad news
Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
MARRIAGE
All but One
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Smith on the third floor."
टिप्पणियाँ
एक टिप्पणी भेजें