⇘⇘If you know something will go wrong and you do everything to stop it from happening, then something else will go wrong⇙⇙⇙⇙
⇐⇐Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
⇗⇗Don't worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.
⇗Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
⇘Stop crying, Monday will be over soon.
⇘Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
L⇘ife is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics.
I eat cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere today.
How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.
I think I've discovered the secret of life, you just hang around until you get used to it.
Do you have a band-aid, because I just scraped my knee falling in love with you.
⇘New year resolutions you can actually keep! Skip more classes in school. Call in sick at work more. Go shopping more often. Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers. Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits. Do less exercise and watch more TV.
⇘For this New Year's day, weather forecasters are warning of an incoming storm of hugs and kisses all over the planet... we advise closing your umbrella and opening your heart.
If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o'clock, it means you don't have Internet!
I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom.
If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
People think..... I'm skinny, but I'm really chunky. I'm cheap, but I'm really thrifty. I'm blonde, but I'm really a brunette. I'm nosey, but I'm really curious.
If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet.
⇘Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I'm trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.
If you have an issue, get a tissue.
If you can't remember my name, just say "Chocolate" and I'll turn around.
I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
Store front sign: Entire store on sale, everything $1 or more.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
Life is too short to worry about matching socks.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
⇘Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I don't care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way
We have to do the impossible, but it is possible.
⇘My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
No, please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them. - Homer Simpson
When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.
⇘An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
⇘Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
⇘Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
⇘I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
According to Archimedes' principle, what happens when you jump in a bathtub full of water? Answer: The phone rings.
It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills. -
⇙When life gives you lemons, follow the five-step plan: 1.Sit on the couch. 2.Turn on the TV. 3.Throw lemons at life. ⇙4.Force life to make lemonade for you. 5.Drink the lemonade.
↺If you're all wrapped up in yourself then you are overdressed.
I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
My windows aren't dirty, my dog is painting.
Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his house, the bear isn't dead its just afraid to move.
⧭⧭It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
⬉⬉In life, we must find happiness. I've been looking everywhere and still haven't found it.
⬊⬊Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off!
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
⇙If I keep paying attention, I'm going to be in debt! com
⇙Studying top moment: to exercise your memory and start sweating.
⇗When you want something really bad, crying for it isn't going to work nearly as good as complaining!
I'm sorry officer but I can't stop speeding... the earth is spinning way over the speed limit in this zone.
Why was the rabbit chasing the frog? Because the frog kept calling out "riaabit.. riabbit
⬉⬉That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another....
Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.
What does a blonde ask her blonde friend who just did a pregnancy test? Were the questions hard? Did you pass?
Happiness does not have a price tag so smile.
You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.
Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... Except the weasels. - Homer Simpson
I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge. -
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson
I slipped on a banana peel and I fell in love with the person who helped me up.
⬋⬋The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
What does a homeless person do the first time you let them use a computer? Searches through the recycle bin.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
If you're always busy busy busy, you can't enjoy enjoy enjoy your life.
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
I can't wait for that to never happen.
If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Why did the blonde send a blank letter to her husband in the army? They had a fight before he left and they're not talking.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
How does a train eat? Chew, Chew...
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
⧭⧭Every time I walk out of Math class I want to cry. Now I have to go fail my Math exam, be back in 2 hours⬌⬌⬌
Chuck Norris is so amazing he can: Light ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Disarm five criminals in five seconds. With one hand. Slam a revolving door. Make the boogie man scared. Clap with one hand.
Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money. -
⬉⬉My husband is like Math, can't be contradicted.
To a dog, a fire hydrant under maintenance is like a bathroom that's out of service.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
I like life. It's something to do.
I once finished first on my running team, then the coach asked me where everyone else is.
Someone told me you are the worst kisser in the world... want to show me it's not true?
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
⬊⬊⬊Some people call me Mike, you can call me tonight.
Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.
The future is not what it once used to be...
Stop saying "B4" instead of "Before," you're ruining my Bingo game.
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on, not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
Please God, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Going on a rollercoaster was a lot like last night with my husband, slow at first going up, then way fast, a few turns and then it quickly ended.
⧭⧭Why did the blonde take two stones to bed? One to hit the light switch and turn the light off and the other to check if the window is closed.
Fortune cookie: You'll have a better fortune in the next cookie.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
⬊⬊Why does Chuck Norris' calendar go directly from March 31 to April 2nd? Nobody fools Chuck Norris!
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's only a poster on a wall.
Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim!
I noticed you are not noticing me.
Store sign: Why go somewhere else and waste your money? Come here
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter of civilization.
Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ? -
⬉⬉⬉What is the difference between having a cold beer and going to the bathroom? About 35 minutes.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
We've tripled the amount of money - I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available. -
⬊⬊Sleeping on my keyboard. If I answer, I'm talking in my sleep.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza. -
Why are you waiting so long to report your stolen car to the police? I'm giving them time to fix it. -
Money doesn't make happiness, it buys it already made.
An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough. -
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -
⬊⬊I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to the bathroom door. -
A horse is dangerous at both ends, and uncomfortable in the middle.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
What's the best excuse to ask the girl you like for her photo? Tell her you're collecting all the Pokemon's.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith... -
He who laughs.....lasts.
⧬⧬The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country⬋⬋⬋⬋
No matter how bad it gets I'm always rich when I go to the dollar store. -
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
What's the difference between a cat and a flea? Cats can have fleas, but fleas can't have cats.
How is a poor man a lot like a rich man? They both have an iPhone.
The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.
The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine.
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
⧭My wife asked me ⬉⬉what numbers to play at the lottery. I told her 'the winning ones!'
⧭I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating.
⧭I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt, but after using up two bags of salt I gave up.
⧭Behold the flying elephant, one day it flies and one day it doesn't... today it doesn't
⧭Sometimes I get road rage just pushing a shopping cart in a supermarket. -
⧭It's a good thing I brought my library card because I'm totally checking you out. -
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
How does a doctor feel when he loses a patient in the emergency room? The same way a child feels when he drops his ice cream.
⧭⧭The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
⧭⧭How do I like my ⬈⬈eggs? In a cake.
There are three sides to an argument - your side, my side and the right side.
How was the dog's day? Ruff.
If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have been better for us--oh infinitely better for us--if the serpent had been forbidden.
Sports top moment: to score a goal but miss in the re-play.
What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego.
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
Funny sign at health spa: Fresh 10,000 year old mud for sale.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
⬈⬈Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they⬊⬊ bark they shoot bees at you? - Homer Simpson
When we go to seafood restaurants I tell them 'Just water for me, thanks.' - Fish
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
So much for trusting the Mayan Calendar. New Year resolution: Use my cell phone calendar! Happy new year 2017
Christmas is the time when you buy presents with the money from next year. -
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular?
What does a blonde have to do after using the computer? Put the mouse back in the cage.
⬉⬉Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which⧭⧭⧭
Rudeness top moment: to scare an ostrich on an asphalt street.
Do you want to feel the breath of the person next to you? Do you want to feel them touching you and rubbing against you? Take public transit.
If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
Bought a talking parrot today and taught him to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot.
At the zoo, all the animals have a decent composure, except for the monkeys. You get the feeling man is very close to them.
Being a beaver is nice, if you're hungry you just eat a piece of your home.
Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!
I finally found a doctor with a lot patients, and he didn't have any patience to listen to me.
⧭⧭Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
⧭⧭Why did the blondes search all over a forest full of pine trees and were not able to find one single tree to use as a Christmas tree⬉⬉⬉None of them had globes and a star on top
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.
How do you stop a cat from scratching your furniture? Give her scratch and win lotto tickets.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I caught the worm thief - it was a fish.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
Every time you make a typo the errorists win.
⧭⧭It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Every time I have my picture taken I get hungry because I hear 'cheese' so I start to think of a nice cheese sandwich.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Technological progress is like putting an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
See, I got this friend named.. Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo
If I spit, they will take my spit and frame it as great art.
I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.
⬈⬈If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Beer is proof God Loves us and wants us to be happy.m
If you live in a school, then you're probably a fish.
I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.
It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
⧭⧭Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.
I'm copying, my friend is copying, everyone is copying each other,... so what time is it? Exam time! -
Is it good if a blow dryer blows?
I'm fast, great and unstoppable! You're a train?
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
Bart! With ten thousand dollars, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
⧭⧭Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.
⧬⧬This e-book is terrible, I'm going to burn it! I mean delete it...
⧭⧭The only way to know if the glass is half empty or half full is to measure it really accurately, like with a laser⬉⬉⬉
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?An offer you can't understand.
The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.
Man came down from the tree, then he cut the tree down.
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning, but the hamster fell off long time ago?
I think I like something, but I'm not sure what?
⧭⧭⧭It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.
I just ate some garlic, so I can't talk.
Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.
What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.
When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink. -
I took my dog to the fire hydrant factory. They never saw so much excitement every time a hydrant came off the assembly line.
Think about it for a second: You are what you eat, so do you really want to eat junk food?
If you want to change your life, insert a coin in a change machine.
⧭⧭Enjoy your life thoroughly, the same way you wash your clothes.
A good dog is a bad dog.
Gasoline is getting more expensive because transporting it costs more when it gets more expensive.
Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.
Why don't snails run? Because their eyes go wobbly.
Why does the computer programmer ignore the warning on the cigarette carton? Because he's seen so many warnings he only cares about errors.
There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. -
⧭⧭⧭If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
How do you get a Kleenex to dance?Put a little boogy in it!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie... Police Academy.
I'm the literary equivalent of a big mac and fries.
Is it hot in here, or is it just the fireplace?
Some people go to the office in a Hyundai, some in a Ferrari, my office *is* a Boeing 747.
⧭⧭⧭This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.
⬉⬉What time zone are you in when you're at the North Pole? All of them! In fact, you can just pick any time zone you prefer⬈⬈⬈
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.
How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house? Welcome
⧭What's the difference between an electric locomotive and a steam one? The electric locomotive stopped smoking⬊⬊⬊⬊
Is the chemical aftertaste the reason why people eat hot dogs, or is it some kind of bonus?
Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT31=DEC25.
⧭My wife told me we have to separate, the whites from the darks.
⧭What does the computer programmer say to his fellow programmer when he asks him to borrow -
⧭A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.
Beginner pilot rules: 1. The propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit. When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating excessively. 2. You don't have to take off, but landing is mandatory. 3. Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger, pulling makes it look smaller. If you pull too much or too long however, it will look bigger yet again. 4. Flying is safe as long as you don't crash. 5. It's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were ⇙on the ground. 6. A good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away. 7. Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes.
⇐⇐Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
⇗⇗Don't worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.
⇗Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
⇘Stop crying, Monday will be over soon.
⇘Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
L⇘ife is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics.
I eat cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere today.
How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.
I think I've discovered the secret of life, you just hang around until you get used to it.
Do you have a band-aid, because I just scraped my knee falling in love with you.
⇘New year resolutions you can actually keep! Skip more classes in school. Call in sick at work more. Go shopping more often. Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers. Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits. Do less exercise and watch more TV.
⇘For this New Year's day, weather forecasters are warning of an incoming storm of hugs and kisses all over the planet... we advise closing your umbrella and opening your heart.
If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o'clock, it means you don't have Internet!
I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom.
If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
People think..... I'm skinny, but I'm really chunky. I'm cheap, but I'm really thrifty. I'm blonde, but I'm really a brunette. I'm nosey, but I'm really curious.
If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet.
⇘Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I'm trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.
If you have an issue, get a tissue.
If you can't remember my name, just say "Chocolate" and I'll turn around.
I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
Store front sign: Entire store on sale, everything $1 or more.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
Life is too short to worry about matching socks.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
⇘Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I don't care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way
We have to do the impossible, but it is possible.
⇘My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
No, please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them. - Homer Simpson
When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.
⇘An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
⇘Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
⇘Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
⇘I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
According to Archimedes' principle, what happens when you jump in a bathtub full of water? Answer: The phone rings.
It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills. -
⇙When life gives you lemons, follow the five-step plan: 1.Sit on the couch. 2.Turn on the TV. 3.Throw lemons at life. ⇙4.Force life to make lemonade for you. 5.Drink the lemonade.
↺If you're all wrapped up in yourself then you are overdressed.
I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
My windows aren't dirty, my dog is painting.
Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his house, the bear isn't dead its just afraid to move.
⧭⧭It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
⬉⬉In life, we must find happiness. I've been looking everywhere and still haven't found it.
⬊⬊Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off!
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
⇙If I keep paying attention, I'm going to be in debt! com
⇙Studying top moment: to exercise your memory and start sweating.
⇗When you want something really bad, crying for it isn't going to work nearly as good as complaining!
I'm sorry officer but I can't stop speeding... the earth is spinning way over the speed limit in this zone.
Why was the rabbit chasing the frog? Because the frog kept calling out "riaabit.. riabbit
⬉⬉That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another....
Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.
What does a blonde ask her blonde friend who just did a pregnancy test? Were the questions hard? Did you pass?
Happiness does not have a price tag so smile.
You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.
Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... Except the weasels. - Homer Simpson
I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge. -
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson
I slipped on a banana peel and I fell in love with the person who helped me up.
⬋⬋The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
What does a homeless person do the first time you let them use a computer? Searches through the recycle bin.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
If you're always busy busy busy, you can't enjoy enjoy enjoy your life.
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
I can't wait for that to never happen.
If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Why did the blonde send a blank letter to her husband in the army? They had a fight before he left and they're not talking.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
How does a train eat? Chew, Chew...
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
⧭⧭Every time I walk out of Math class I want to cry. Now I have to go fail my Math exam, be back in 2 hours⬌⬌⬌
Chuck Norris is so amazing he can: Light ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Disarm five criminals in five seconds. With one hand. Slam a revolving door. Make the boogie man scared. Clap with one hand.
Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money. -
⬉⬉My husband is like Math, can't be contradicted.
To a dog, a fire hydrant under maintenance is like a bathroom that's out of service.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
I like life. It's something to do.
I once finished first on my running team, then the coach asked me where everyone else is.
Someone told me you are the worst kisser in the world... want to show me it's not true?
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
⬊⬊⬊Some people call me Mike, you can call me tonight.
Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.
The future is not what it once used to be...
Stop saying "B4" instead of "Before," you're ruining my Bingo game.
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on, not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
Please God, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Going on a rollercoaster was a lot like last night with my husband, slow at first going up, then way fast, a few turns and then it quickly ended.
⧭⧭Why did the blonde take two stones to bed? One to hit the light switch and turn the light off and the other to check if the window is closed.
Fortune cookie: You'll have a better fortune in the next cookie.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
⬊⬊Why does Chuck Norris' calendar go directly from March 31 to April 2nd? Nobody fools Chuck Norris!
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's only a poster on a wall.
Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim!
I noticed you are not noticing me.
Store sign: Why go somewhere else and waste your money? Come here
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter of civilization.
Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ? -
⬉⬉⬉What is the difference between having a cold beer and going to the bathroom? About 35 minutes.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
We've tripled the amount of money - I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available. -
⬊⬊Sleeping on my keyboard. If I answer, I'm talking in my sleep.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza. -
Why are you waiting so long to report your stolen car to the police? I'm giving them time to fix it. -
Money doesn't make happiness, it buys it already made.
An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough. -
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -
⬊⬊I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to the bathroom door. -
A horse is dangerous at both ends, and uncomfortable in the middle.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
What's the best excuse to ask the girl you like for her photo? Tell her you're collecting all the Pokemon's.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith... -
He who laughs.....lasts.
⧬⧬The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country⬋⬋⬋⬋
No matter how bad it gets I'm always rich when I go to the dollar store. -
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
What's the difference between a cat and a flea? Cats can have fleas, but fleas can't have cats.
How is a poor man a lot like a rich man? They both have an iPhone.
The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.
The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine.
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
⧭My wife asked me ⬉⬉what numbers to play at the lottery. I told her 'the winning ones!'
⧭I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating.
⧭I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt, but after using up two bags of salt I gave up.
⧭Behold the flying elephant, one day it flies and one day it doesn't... today it doesn't
⧭Sometimes I get road rage just pushing a shopping cart in a supermarket. -
⧭It's a good thing I brought my library card because I'm totally checking you out. -
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
How does a doctor feel when he loses a patient in the emergency room? The same way a child feels when he drops his ice cream.
⧭⧭The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
⧭⧭How do I like my ⬈⬈eggs? In a cake.
There are three sides to an argument - your side, my side and the right side.
How was the dog's day? Ruff.
If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have been better for us--oh infinitely better for us--if the serpent had been forbidden.
Sports top moment: to score a goal but miss in the re-play.
What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego.
Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
Funny sign at health spa: Fresh 10,000 year old mud for sale.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
⬈⬈Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they⬊⬊ bark they shoot bees at you? - Homer Simpson
When we go to seafood restaurants I tell them 'Just water for me, thanks.' - Fish
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
So much for trusting the Mayan Calendar. New Year resolution: Use my cell phone calendar! Happy new year 2017
Christmas is the time when you buy presents with the money from next year. -
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular?
What does a blonde have to do after using the computer? Put the mouse back in the cage.
⬉⬉Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which⧭⧭⧭
Rudeness top moment: to scare an ostrich on an asphalt street.
Do you want to feel the breath of the person next to you? Do you want to feel them touching you and rubbing against you? Take public transit.
If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
Bought a talking parrot today and taught him to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot.
At the zoo, all the animals have a decent composure, except for the monkeys. You get the feeling man is very close to them.
Being a beaver is nice, if you're hungry you just eat a piece of your home.
Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!
I finally found a doctor with a lot patients, and he didn't have any patience to listen to me.
⧭⧭Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
⧭⧭Why did the blondes search all over a forest full of pine trees and were not able to find one single tree to use as a Christmas tree⬉⬉⬉None of them had globes and a star on top
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.
How do you stop a cat from scratching your furniture? Give her scratch and win lotto tickets.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I caught the worm thief - it was a fish.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
Every time you make a typo the errorists win.
⧭⧭It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Every time I have my picture taken I get hungry because I hear 'cheese' so I start to think of a nice cheese sandwich.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Technological progress is like putting an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
See, I got this friend named.. Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo
If I spit, they will take my spit and frame it as great art.
I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.
⬈⬈If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Beer is proof God Loves us and wants us to be happy.m
If you live in a school, then you're probably a fish.
I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.
It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
⧭⧭Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.
I'm copying, my friend is copying, everyone is copying each other,... so what time is it? Exam time! -
Is it good if a blow dryer blows?
I'm fast, great and unstoppable! You're a train?
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
Bart! With ten thousand dollars, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
⧭⧭Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.
⧬⧬This e-book is terrible, I'm going to burn it! I mean delete it...
⧭⧭The only way to know if the glass is half empty or half full is to measure it really accurately, like with a laser⬉⬉⬉
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?An offer you can't understand.
The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.
Man came down from the tree, then he cut the tree down.
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning, but the hamster fell off long time ago?
I think I like something, but I'm not sure what?
⧭⧭⧭It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.
I just ate some garlic, so I can't talk.
Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.
What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.
When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink. -
I took my dog to the fire hydrant factory. They never saw so much excitement every time a hydrant came off the assembly line.
Think about it for a second: You are what you eat, so do you really want to eat junk food?
If you want to change your life, insert a coin in a change machine.
⧭⧭Enjoy your life thoroughly, the same way you wash your clothes.
A good dog is a bad dog.
Gasoline is getting more expensive because transporting it costs more when it gets more expensive.
Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.
Why don't snails run? Because their eyes go wobbly.
Why does the computer programmer ignore the warning on the cigarette carton? Because he's seen so many warnings he only cares about errors.
There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. -
⧭⧭⧭If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.
How do you get a Kleenex to dance?Put a little boogy in it!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie... Police Academy.
I'm the literary equivalent of a big mac and fries.
Is it hot in here, or is it just the fireplace?
Some people go to the office in a Hyundai, some in a Ferrari, my office *is* a Boeing 747.
⧭⧭⧭This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.
⬉⬉What time zone are you in when you're at the North Pole? All of them! In fact, you can just pick any time zone you prefer⬈⬈⬈
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.
How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house? Welcome
⧭What's the difference between an electric locomotive and a steam one? The electric locomotive stopped smoking⬊⬊⬊⬊
Is the chemical aftertaste the reason why people eat hot dogs, or is it some kind of bonus?
Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT31=DEC25.
⧭My wife told me we have to separate, the whites from the darks.
⧭What does the computer programmer say to his fellow programmer when he asks him to borrow -
⧭A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.
Beginner pilot rules: 1. The propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit. When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating excessively. 2. You don't have to take off, but landing is mandatory. 3. Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger, pulling makes it look smaller. If you pull too much or too long however, it will look bigger yet again. 4. Flying is safe as long as you don't crash. 5. It's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were ⇙on the ground. 6. A good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away. 7. Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes.
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