Best Divorce Letter
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!!!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
MARRIAGE
Valentine's Day Cards
A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.
She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes maim, they do, but they re in Sporting Goods."
"Really?" exclaimed the woman.
"Yes maim. They're called darts."
MARRIAGE
Marriage Counseling
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief.
The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
MARRIAGE
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered, "She made me a better offer."
Drunk Husbands
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a little...?' and she pretends that she's asleep!"
MARRIAGE
Lie Detector
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda.
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was a Porno.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!
The robot slaps the Dad.
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.
The robot slaps the mom.
MARRIAGE
The Grieving Wife
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
MARRIAGE
His Last Wishes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
Better Lover
A maid asks for a pay rise.
“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.
“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”
“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.
“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”
“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.
“No, the driver did.”
The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.
MARRIAGE
A night out with the boys
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness - even when smashed - to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."
MARRIAGE
Wedding Translation
During the weeks before Brenda's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making mistakes at the ceremony.
The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and that she would do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN.... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
At that very moment, the bridegroom realized that his friends who had warned him about marriage were correct, as her thoughts which he could now hear quite clearly - "I'll alter him. I'll alter him."
MARRIAGE
Hotel Mistakes
A New York City hotel sent thank-you letters to each of twelve hundred former guests for staying in the past several months. The problem was that they chose the wrong computerized mailing list. The thank-you letter was sent out to fifteen hundred people who had not stayed at that particular hotel.
One of the hotel managers discovered this mistake when the hotel switchboard started lighting up. The hotel was swamped with calls. Every line was ringing.
On one line there was a pregnant woman tearfully saying that her husband didn't believe the baby was his. He thought it was produced at her big night at the hotel without him.
Many other spouses called to say they now knew what their significant other was really doing on their long lunches and after work meetings.
The hotel manager commented in a sarcastic manner, "Husbands and wives don't trust each other much these days!"
Cheating Spouses
A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
MARRIAGE
Who's The Cheater?
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started...
MARRIAGE
The Price of Beauty
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
MARRIAGE
Keep your mouth shut
A woman goes to the doctor, and she’s beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my boyfriend comes home drunk he knocks lumps out of me."
Doctor, "I think I might have a cure for that. When your boyfriend comes home drunk, just take a mug of tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow it. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to his bed."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor no sign of bruising whatsoever.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my boyfriend came home drunk, I swished with the tea. I just swished and swished, like washing machine and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor, "See how much keeping your fuckin mouth shut helps?"
Mammogram Result
A woman in her fifties is at home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
MARRIAGE
Dress Shop Burglary
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
MARRIAGE
Parting Ways
The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them.
However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.
At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard."
As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back, "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call."
MARRIAGE
Anniversary Gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Husband's Night Out
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
MARRIAGE
Cheating Spouse!
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
MARRIAGE
Wedding Night
Wedding Night
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple goes to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "Yes, my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "OH, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"
MARRIAGE
Elderly Sex
An 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly.'
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
You’re cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed: Rich and Free!
MARRIAGE
Waiting in Line
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women.
The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together.
Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man, "Let them go first. You wouldn’t want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I’ve been sorry ever since."
MARRIAGE
Gender Inequality
In a small town, there is a rather sizable factory ##that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the ##manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think ##women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our ##employees## are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know ##how to keep## their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
MARRIAGE
Different Vacations
Different Vacations
Billy and Joe were talking one afternoon. ###Billy tells Joe, "You know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation."
He continues, "Only this year I'm gonna do it a ##little differen##. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to ##Hawai##i and Eva got pregnant."
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the ##Bahamas###nd# Eva got## pregnant again."
"Last year you ##suggested Tahiti and ##darned if Eva didn't get pregnant again."
Joe asks Billy, "So, ##what you gonna do this ##year that's different?"
@@Billy says, "###This year I'm taking## Eva## with me###
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor, "What happened?"
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor, "I have a real good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."
Doctor, "You see, how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
MARRIAGE
Marriage is Hell
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
Great Lover!
When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
MARRIAGE
Suspicious Wife
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid’s room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her…
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, “Surprised?”
“I sure am, ma’am!” stammered the chauffeur.
Nano at Heaven
Nano at Heaven
George, Robin and Alex are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.
"Ok you, George, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."
St. Peter turns to Robin, "How many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Robin replies, "I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys. Get going!"
He then looks at Alex, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Alex lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!"
George and Robin have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Alex turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
George asks, "Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"
Between sobs Alex explains, "I just saw my wife driving a Nano!"
MARRIAGE
Disappearing Lover
Harry and Sheila were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that Harry was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Sheila acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as Harry slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Sheila appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that Harry had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
Sheila calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
MARRIAGE
The Secret of Longevity
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
"Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
MARRIAGE
Real Father
Real Father
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother.
'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.' His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son
In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery. His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand. His eyelids just opened for a few seconds.
He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience, hallowed by bright white light. With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife, "You are so beautiful."
Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses. His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic. So she suppressed all her disgust of environment, held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while.
After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time. He loves the comfort of his wife and says, "You are cute!"
The wife was disgusted, threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation, "It was 'beautiful', last time and how it is 'cute' this time. What happened to my beauty?"
The man answered, "Honey, I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia."
MARRIAGE
Very Friendly Friends
A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Joe ", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Bob then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
MARRIAGE
Banta's Mule
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house.
He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Banta's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
MARRIAGE
Wife's Lover !
Wife's Lover !
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'.
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.
For some reasonthe mother was unusually quiet.
Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again.
"Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you.""
Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
MARRIAGE
Toilet Paper Miracle
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
MARRIAGE
Wife's Lovers
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
MARRIAGE
Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying outthe casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
Cheating Wife!
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Um...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 25,000 bucks?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone.
"What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What! There's no pool here?" "Uh... is this 2263841?"
MARRIAGE
Prescription For Love
Prescription For Love
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse, and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture again and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
MARRIAGE
Wedding Night
Newlyweds, Tim and Nancy, spent their wedding night at a hotel.
The following morning, Nancy's closest friend, Jennifer, came over and asked them how their wedding night went.
"I'm so exhausted," Nancy said. "All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out."
Misunderstanding her, an embarrased Jennifer was shocked that Nancy would speak so crassly.
Tim clarified by adding, "Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"
MARRIAGE
Anniversary Gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Wednesday.
What Makes a Great Couple?
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained.
"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like Im listening."
MARRIAGE
Bank Robbery
Bank Robbery
A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me Rob this Bank?"
The customer replies, "Well, yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
MARRIAGE
Valentine's Day Gift
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".
MARRIAGE
The New Wife
The New Wife
It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
The new wife (progressive Indian woman), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family,I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."
"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!
"And what are you here for Bahurani?" enquired the mother-in-law.
"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON
Robbery Suspect
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “Yes!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”
The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”
MARRIAGE
The Fart Football
The Fart Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It’s fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
MARRIAGE
The Loyal Wife!
The Loyal Wife!
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the +after-life+ with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died...
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait, just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?"
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
MARRIAGE
Great News
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.
It was well past 10 when he remembered. "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
MARRIAGE
Married Men
There is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a woman organisation called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
MARRIAGE
Alarming Whistle
Smith and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.
Suddenly Mrs. Smith realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Smith said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
MARRIAGE
Rising Phone Bills
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication.
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use email.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "Rose, how's that daughter of yours?"
Rose replies, "She's OK thanks. She married a fantastic man. He's got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary's job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny."
Rose then asks, "And how's your son?"
Sadie replies, "His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny."
MARRIAGE
That`s What Friends Are For
When it comes to friendship, here's what happens.
If a woman doesn't come home to her husband one night, and the next day she tells him she slept over at a friend's house, the man calls his wife's 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.
If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night, and the next day he tells her he slept over at a friend's house, she calls her husband's 10 best friends-eight of them say he did sleep over, and two claim he's still there.
MARRIAGE
Organic Vegetables
During a Coffee Break, two men were talking, "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden." said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
The gardener said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."
MARRIAGE
Husband`s Affair
Husband`s Affair
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.
He pushes his luck, 'I want the house,' he says insistently.
Up to 80.
'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph.
'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, 'The airbag.'
Golf Trouble
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."
MARRIAGE
Ex-Husband
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
MARRIAGE
Inheritance
Inheritance
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
MARRIAGE
Homeless Woman
Homeless Woman
A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the lady asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked, "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The lady said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
During work, John and William were chatting:
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, William got irritated and said: "And you, do you know who is George Hunt?"
John: No
William: He's the guy enjoying with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this...
MARRIAGE
Attractive Wives
Robert was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Robert's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
MARRIAGE
Fried Eggs
Fried Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
MARRIAGE
Guardian Angel
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where were you when I got married
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"
MARRIAGE
Toilet Accident
Toilet Accident
A young newly wed couple just moved into their first apartment. The wife had a hurry call and ran into the bathroom and plopped down on the toilet.
You guessed it, the seat was up. She got hopelessly wedged in the bowl and screamed for help from new Hubby. He ran in and tried in vain to pull her out.
He said, "I'll have to call a plumber."
She said, "You can't let the plumber see me like this."
So, Hubby finds an old hat and puts it on her lap.
The plumber arrives and surveys the situation.
He turns to the husband and says, "I think I can get her out, but I think that other poor bastard drowned."
MARRIAGE
Bearded Lover
Bearded Lover
A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon."
MARRIAGE
Dearly Hug
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow
Ex-Husband
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
MARRIAGE
Dying Wish!
Dying Wish!
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"
MARRIAGE
Women Powers
Women Powers
At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was: How to empower women in the home.
The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said, "I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing."
The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.
The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said, "I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."
Again the conference applauded.
Next came the Australian delegate. She said, "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
MARRIAGE
Unfaithful Hubby
Unfaithful Hubby
Rita was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Rita," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Rita. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Rita. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now dear, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said.
"Now you be still, and let the poison work
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years".
"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning".
"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.
"As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"
MARRIAGE
Married Life
Married Life
Not long after his marriage, Joe and his father, met for lunch. "Well, son," asked the father, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed Joe. "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Joe. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Joe's father nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied the father, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
MARRIAGE
Freaking Jinx
Freaking Jinx
A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head, which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.
He held her hands and said meaningfully: "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."
She squeezed his hands as he continued: "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply...."
He continued: "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me... "
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'd really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You're a freaking jinx!"
MARRIAGE
Crazy Love
Crazy Love
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors.
Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.
"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told the doctor.
The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the doctor.
The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "Peter," she repeated over and over. "Oh, Peter!"
"She was to marry a man named Peter," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."
They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straightjacket, shrieking insanely, "Peter! Peter!"
"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost Peter also."
"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
MARRIAGE
Suspicious Wife
Suspicious Wife
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her...
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.
MARRIAGE
Most Beautiful...
Most Beautiful...
A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.
It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in.
This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house. He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within:
"Who is it?"
The man leaned on the door and said tenderly:
"I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."
Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.
"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you bastard?," the woman roared.
The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?"
MARRIAGE
Loyal Wife
Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser.
Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.
Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife say, "Wait a minute!"
She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in with him."
"You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!"
"I sure did," said the wife, "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote a cheque, if he can cash it he can spend it.
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She flirt with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
MARRIAGE
Six Nights
Six Nights
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."
MARRIAGE
Nude Masterpiece
Nude Masterpiece
There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."
MARRIAGE
Modern Marriage
Modern Marriage
Nikhil and Mona were newlyweds. Nikhil thought this would be a modern marriage, meaning they would each play equal roles. So, the first morning after their honeymoon, he brought Mona breakfast in bed.
However, Mona wasn't at all impressed by his culinary skills. Looking disdainfully at the tray, she snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the following morning, Nikhil brought his new bride a scrambled egg.
Unfortunately, Mona wasn't satisfied. "Did you ever stop to think that perhaps I like variety?" she snapped. "I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please her, the next morning, he brought her two eggs….one poached and one scrambled.
"Here, my darling, enjoy," he said cheerfully.
Mona was infuriated. "You scrambled the wrong egg!" she screamed.
The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.
She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were."
"He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
MARRIAGE
Priest`s Affair
Priest`s Affair
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"
Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"
MARRIAGE
Smart Husband
Smart Husband
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
MARRIAGE
Mouse Holes
Mouse Holes
Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed," she told him.
"Oh, relax," says the husband, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says the wife. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story. I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?"
Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm…, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
MARRIAGE
Perfect Woman!
Perfect Woman!
Sunny is almost 35 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Sunny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Sunny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Sunny weeks go by and again Sunny and his friend get together.
So Sunny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?
Sunny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
MARRIAGE
One Million Bucks
One Million Bucks
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Joe had carved: I love you, Nancy.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Nancy quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--one million bucks.
Joe said, "We've got to give it back."
Nancy said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two Inspectors were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Nancy said, "No."
Joe said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Nancy said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Joe and began to question him.
One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Joe said, "Well, when Nancy and I were walking home from school yesterday... "
The first Inspector turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
MARRIAGE
Heart Broken
Heart Broken
It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law.
Anyway... One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.
On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.
The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest.
Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, "Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?"
The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied... "No, she missed the bus!"
This is Heaven
This is Heaven
This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home. It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardener, etc.
The old man exclaims, "That's ours?"
St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever."
The old man is a little suspicious and says, "How much is the rent?"
St. Peter says, "It is free. After all, this is heaven."
Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golf carts.
St. Peter says, "You can play here whenever you want."
The old man says, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replies, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man is very impressed. They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings.
The old man says, "How many calories?"
St. Peter says, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man gets a look on his face like he suddenly understands what heaven is all about.
Then the old man suddenly turns and slaps the old woman, yelling, "You stupid witch! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and take exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"
MARRIAGE
Fried Eggs!
Fried Eggs!
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
MARRIAGE
Mule for Sale?
Mule for Sale?
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Joe's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Joe's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Joe's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Joe replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale?"
MARRIAGE
English girl
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An English girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl
New Fathers
A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
MARRIAGE
Silver Jubilee
On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.
"Oh, it's not over yet." He said.
Once home, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and inside are two small tablets.
She asked, "But what are these two little pills?"
"Aspirin." The man replied.
"But, I don't have a headache." She said.
"There you go, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!" he snidely said.
MARRIAGE
Times Up!
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"
"Yes grandpa, I guess so."
"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"
MARRIAGE
Sweet Revenge
Old farmer Michael was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife, "Susan, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Joe."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Susan."
"But why?' Susan asks.
"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade
Retired Couple
A retired couple is lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" husband asked wife.
After some thought, she said, "I'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age."
Then wife asked husband, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
MARRIAGE
Good Wife
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
MARRIAGE
The Inheritence
Rahul's grandfather left him Rs 10 million, and the next week Maria agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Rahul noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Maria," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me Rs 10 million when he died."
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
MARRIAGE
Emergency
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes
Nothing to lose
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 PM.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Now, what?!!"' he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
MARRIAGE
True Love!
Brian came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" Brian asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Brian went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"
The wife looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
MARRIAGE
Lawn Mowing
When Steve's power mower broke down, his wife, Anna, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn't sinking in, and Steve kept putting off the repairs.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When Steve arrived at home one day, he found her sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.
Steve watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes, he handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
MARRIAGE
Remarry?
One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner: Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: shit.shit.shit.....
Best Friend
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Andy," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
MARRIAGE
Dinner Party
Jayme and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.
Jayme is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all. Bob explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.
At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?" "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."
"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"
"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."
"Well," Bob says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"
"It isn't the ingredients," Jayme cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"
MARRIAGE
Dog Bite
A man is out walking his dog one day when it slips the leash and runs away.
As the man is chasing him down the street, the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there.
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a settlement. Would one thousand rupees do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another one thousand."
MARRIAGE
Mother-in-law
A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...
The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.
Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.
The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.
She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.
The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!
The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.
Happily married
Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.
"Well, Martina, how are your kids?", asks Jessica.
"To tell you the truth," says Martina, "my George has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Jessica asks.
"Ah!", says Martina. "Cathy has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."
MARRIAGE
Hot water bottle!
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer. "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
MARRIAGE
The Defendant
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
MARRIAGE
The undertaker!
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist.
The Psychiatrist gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him.
He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker!!!" she replies.
Girlfriend!
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
MARRIAGE
Child support
John finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke," he said.
"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.
"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.
"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.
"Sue me for child support!!"
MARRIAGE
Nice job
When Bob's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Bob told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't w###orth living. I think I'm going to top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Bob," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Bob.
"Easy," replied### the quack. "I threw myself into my w##ork. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Bob, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Bob replied.
MARRIAGE
Perfect man!
Joe walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Bryan."
"Who?"
"Bryan Smith. There's a guy who did everything right. ###Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It w##ould have happened ##like that to Bryan."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Joe.
"Not Bryan. He was a terrific ##athlete. He could have ###gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and ###danced like a Broadway star."
"He was### something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could ###remember### everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Bryan."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Joe.
"###Because### I ###married### his widow."
Healthy lifestyle
A man was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
MARRIAGE
Professional links!
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Err - just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in whose profession? Yours, or hers?!"
MARRIAGE
Communication problem!
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
MARRIAGE
Divorced Barbie!
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Ugliest woman!
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the cop said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The cop then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the cop her license.
"I see, you are from Hoshairpur!," the cop said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
MARRIAGE
Younger looks!!!
Jimmy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks Jimmy, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Jimmy replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty two; your hair, twenty three; and your figure, eighteen." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Jimmy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!"Jimmy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"
MARRIAGE
Wrong dentures!
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
MARRIAGE
Terrible weather
Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour.
inutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Guardian angel!
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"
MARRIAGE
Cat food
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!"
MARRIAGE
Special dog
Special dog
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when the old woman died.
The entire family showed up for the funeral, and every day after the funeral the old man would visit the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
The groundskeeper at the cemetary, after two months of observing this ritual, decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your wife`s grave and I just think that so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I`d do it myself, but I`d get arrested for indecent exposure!"
MARRIAGE
The Truth!
A man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife`s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.
"Where the heck have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
``Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and..."You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
Cotton balls
A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles... The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it`s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"
MARRIAGE
Shopping spree!
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it`s me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It`s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What`s the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It`s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $375,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $325,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I`ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone`s flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who`s phone is this?"
MARRIAGE
Upside down!!!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
MARRIAGE
Conveyance in heaven
Conveyance in heaven
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates
Wrong bitch
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma`am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can`t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I`m very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn`t say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you`ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
MARRIAGE
Speed limit
A man is speeding down the freeway when he`s stopped by a police car and has to pull over.
"Do you realize you were doing 90 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That`s impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.
The driver`s wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I`m always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking up to your car."
That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.
"No, you don’t, I`m always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver’s wife.
"Dammit, woman!" the driver explodes, "Can’t you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?!"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he`s drunk."
MARRIAGE
Surnames!!
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie".
"Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn`t that terribly complicated?"
"Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed."
"I see. But what if you want only one of them?"
"No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."
MARRIAGE
Missing pendulum!
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place. He was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and wouldn`t hear of anything else.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy. Then I`ll have to shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of my son."
The offspring does arrive one day, but it`s a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he`ll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."
So he sends the message, "The clock has arrived, ! but the pendulum is missing."
Objecting wives!
There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn`t because of their wives objections.
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn`t have to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
MARRIAGE
chocolate cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death`s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death`s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they`re for the funeral."
MARRIAGE
Speeding ticket
A guy is speeding down a highway and he gets pulled over. The cop says, "You were speeding."
The guy says, "No I wasn`t, I was just going slow."
The guy`s wife in the Passenger seat says, "No officer, He was speeding the whole time."
The guy glares at his wife and says, "Shut up!"
The cop says, "I see your seat belt is off. May I ask why?"
The guy says, "Well I saw you were gonna pull me over and you were gonna ask for my license, so I took it off and got it out."
The guy`s wife says, "No officer. He has had the seat belt off the whole time."
The guy says to his wife, "What is wrong with you?"
The cop leans over to the wife and asks, "Is he always this mean to you?"
The wife says, "Only when he`s drunk."
MARRIAGE
The Earring!
A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn`t know you were into earrings."
"Don`t make such a big deal, it`s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed.
Child support!
Father, "When you go back to your Mom tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she`ll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter, "OK"
Later that night
Daughter, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I`m now 18, this is the last child support payment he`ll ever have to make to you. Now I`m supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother, "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he`s not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."
MARRIAGE
Longest weeks
A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death?"
A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes."
"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That is wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law`s house for the four weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law`s home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because that would be the longest four weeks of my life!"
MARRIAGE
Irregularities
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they didn`t, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out that they had filled the names in backwards- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk`s office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk ... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom, "That`s funny- that`s just what the clerk called you."
MARRIAGE
Three envelopes
Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Honey,` he told me, `I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.`"
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, `Please use this money to buy a nice casket.` So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, `Please use this for a nice funeral.` I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, `Please use this to buy a nice stone.`"
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her diamond ring, she said, "So, do you like my stone?"
The Australian way
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I`ve never been with a woman," he says, "but if it`s anything like a kangaroo, I`m gonna need all the room I can get."
MARRIAGE
Expecting!!
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife`s expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
MARRIAGE
Polish remover !!
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she`s gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she`s gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can`t you see the label on bottle said `Polish Remover`?"
MARRIAGE
Beautiful women
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young boy cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I`ll never find it here at home, so I`m leaving. Don`t try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn`t you hear what I said? I don`t want you to try and stop me."
"Who`s trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I`ll go with you."
Clothes off !
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day`s work.
He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It`s the least I can do.""Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It`s my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"
MARRIAGE
Emotional needs !
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier."
The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife`s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
MARRIAGE
Lovemaking !
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a `kiss`?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I`d like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a `caress`?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You`ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is `make love`, Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a `headache`?"
MARRIAGE
Hunter`s Wife
It was Saturday morning as Steve, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Steve asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I`m going hunting with you!"
Steve, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Steve sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I`ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot"
Steve walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn`t bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Steve starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Steve races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Steve is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it
Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it`s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
MARRIAGE
Pregnant !!!
An extraordinarily hand@some man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that@ as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the@ east coast, he started to head west. Shortl@y thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simpl@y replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer a@sked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, @“She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer a@gain asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if thin@gs might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they wer@e wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
MARRIAGE
Sharing everything !
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat w@atching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn`t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We`ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be sha@red, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It`s his turn to use our the teeth.
MARRIAGE
Explanation !!
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pock@et with the name `Marylou` written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey,"@ the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night.
Anniversary !!
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the dark, stillness of the house, she could hear a m@uffled sound downstairs.
She got o@ut of bed, cautiously went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She@ opened the door to the cellar and went down to the steps to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
She asked him, "What`s wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have @been released from prison today."
MARRIAGE
Subtle hints ! ! !
"I`m worried that I`m losing my wife`s love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she`s a@ great cook, the house is always n@eat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what`s the probl@em?"
"Maybe I`m just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I`m sleeping, she puts her lips close to@ my ear and whispers...
`Die! you son of a bitch, Die!!`
MARRIAGE
A Clever Hubby
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn`t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a @beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn`t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back @to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him bac@k to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o`clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife`s dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he @dropped t@he bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he`s been all this time. He looked at the snails all d@own the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we`re almost there!!"
MARRIAGE
The Good Wife !!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the following, your h@usband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice m@eal for him. Don`t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don`t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly satisfy his every whim@. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think @your husband will regai@n his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You`re going to die," she replied.
Dietician dressing!
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize that long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"
MARRIAGE
Proposal!
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn`t even believe there`s a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we`ll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
A stinking confession!
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I`ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I`ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she`s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I`ve got really bad breath? I`ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he`s lived with me for a week, he`s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I`ve a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don`t tell me, you`ve eaten my socks."
MARRIAGE
Guess who sent them!
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the most intimate apparels were put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received a mail carrying two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets, "Now you know!".
Rescuers reward!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can`t swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where`s my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother- in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
MARRIAGE
Not again!
After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably. He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:
"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me."
MARRIAGE
The chicken and the eggs!
Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you`ve got to help me...my wife thinks she`s a chicken!"
Doctor says, " how long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"
The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."
MARRIAGE
Little quirks about life...
Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty...
..Most people deserve each other.
..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
..The one who snores will fall asleep first.
..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
..Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
Divorce!
A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That`s not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That`s not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I`d like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn`t planned on spending quite that much."
MARRIAGE
Changing Diapers!!
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I`m busy," he said, "I`ll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn`t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
MARRIAGE
Getting Older!!
Mona and Julia are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn`t find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn`t bother to look at me!" Julia cries.
"I`m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Mona.
"Yes, but your husband`s an antique dealer.
MARRIAGE
Cat food !!
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He`s going to be really ticked if it`s not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn`t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You`re going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn`t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."
A bumper draw!
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I`ve won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack`em all, you`re leaving!"
MARRIAGE
Magic...
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,
"How`d you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I`d have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"
MARRIAGE
Don`t fart!!!
An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts.
His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don`t fart!!!"
Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again.
She screams "Please stop farting!!!"
Again he says, "Just shut your mouth."
She is really pissed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"
"Well" says the husband, "I didn`t want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."
MARRIAGE
Insurance claim...
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn`t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I`d like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Brave woman!
A man & wife entered a dentist`s office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or Novocain because I`m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You`re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
MARRIAGE
Bad times:
The woman`s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you`re bad luck."
MARRIAGE
Toe the line !
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don`t know, my wife told me to stand here"
MARRIAGE
Why did U have to die?
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, almost crazy, and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to..."
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife`s first husband."
Funeral Procession !
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.
"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."
MARRIAGE
Area 51...
We ve all heard of the US Air Force`s high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot`s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn`t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP`s surrounded the plane...only this time t###here were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
MARRIAGE
Farmer s mule...
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking th###rough the barn, the farmer`s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he### would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, nod and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say, Yes, it was. The men would ask, Can I borrow that mule? and I would shake my head and say, Can t. It s all booked up for a year.
MARRIAGE
Stand apart!
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did### you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don t know, my wife told me to stand here"
Leaving...
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I ve won the lottery!"
The wife excitedly asks, ###"Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
He says, "Pack em all, you re leaving!"
MARRIAGE
Wishing Well!
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. ###But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:
"It really works!"
MARRIAGE
Slow Clock!
Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock ###fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.
Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has ###always been slow.
MARRIAGE
Club donation!
The president of the service club asked his ###new member, "###Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "###Yes, my mother-in-law."
All three!
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
MARRIAGE
Attractive wife?
Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and com###mon knowledge. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face.
"I’ll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
MARRIAGE
Those four letter words...
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she r##eplied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He`s been saying things I`ve never heard before! All these awf###ul 4-letter words! You`ve got to come get me and ta###ke me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don`t make me tel###l you, mama," wept the daughter, "I`m so embarrassed! They`re just too awful! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
MARRIAGE
Older Lovers...
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days".
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you`d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you`d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "H####oney, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Suspecting wife!
A farmer’s wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she s###ubjected her husband to a searching inspection. ###When she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene!
One night, she found nothing."So" she screamed, "Now it’s a bald-headed woman!"
MARRIAGE
Mushrooms or....?
Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth### time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My### first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your thir##d ate ###poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She was not eating her mushrooms.
MARRIAGE
Dinner guest...
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper,"
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn`t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don`t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
“I know all that." Replied the n###onchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married."
Married men only
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him:
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, ma am," the manger replied, "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep ####their mouths shut, and don`t pout when I yell at them."
MARRIAGE
Money,money,money...
The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day ###and so, at breakfast, she asked her husband for a hundred rupees.
"Money, money, money!" he shouted at the top of his voice. "Every day of the week you want more money. If you ask me, I think you need brains more than you need money."
"Perhaps so," his wife agreed, "but I asked you for what I thought you had the most of."
MARRIAGE
Only donkey ...
A man much harassed by his wife took his four-year-old son to a zoo to escape nagging at home. They came to an enclosure where a donkey was grazing. "Pap###a, what is this animal?" asked the boy.
"This, son, is an ass."
The next enclosure had a she donkey. "And what is this?" asked the child.
"This, son, is the wife of an ass."
"Papa, do asses also get married?"
"Haan beta," replied his Sire, "Sirf gadhey hee shaddi kartey hain."(only donkey get married)
MARRIAGE
Repeat performance!
A young w###oman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.
One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."
With that the new mother burst out crying. "I know," she said. "That was me, too."
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!!!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
MARRIAGE
Valentine's Day Cards
A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.
She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes maim, they do, but they re in Sporting Goods."
"Really?" exclaimed the woman.
"Yes maim. They're called darts."
MARRIAGE
Marriage Counseling
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief.
The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
MARRIAGE
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered, "She made me a better offer."
Drunk Husbands
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a little...?' and she pretends that she's asleep!"
MARRIAGE
Lie Detector
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda.
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was a Porno.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!
The robot slaps the Dad.
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.
The robot slaps the mom.
MARRIAGE
The Grieving Wife
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
MARRIAGE
His Last Wishes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
Better Lover
A maid asks for a pay rise.
“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.
“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”
“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.
“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”
“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.
“No, the driver did.”
The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.
MARRIAGE
A night out with the boys
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness - even when smashed - to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."
MARRIAGE
Wedding Translation
During the weeks before Brenda's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making mistakes at the ceremony.
The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and that she would do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN.... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
At that very moment, the bridegroom realized that his friends who had warned him about marriage were correct, as her thoughts which he could now hear quite clearly - "I'll alter him. I'll alter him."
MARRIAGE
Hotel Mistakes
A New York City hotel sent thank-you letters to each of twelve hundred former guests for staying in the past several months. The problem was that they chose the wrong computerized mailing list. The thank-you letter was sent out to fifteen hundred people who had not stayed at that particular hotel.
One of the hotel managers discovered this mistake when the hotel switchboard started lighting up. The hotel was swamped with calls. Every line was ringing.
On one line there was a pregnant woman tearfully saying that her husband didn't believe the baby was his. He thought it was produced at her big night at the hotel without him.
Many other spouses called to say they now knew what their significant other was really doing on their long lunches and after work meetings.
The hotel manager commented in a sarcastic manner, "Husbands and wives don't trust each other much these days!"
Cheating Spouses
A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
MARRIAGE
Who's The Cheater?
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started...
MARRIAGE
The Price of Beauty
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
MARRIAGE
Keep your mouth shut
A woman goes to the doctor, and she’s beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my boyfriend comes home drunk he knocks lumps out of me."
Doctor, "I think I might have a cure for that. When your boyfriend comes home drunk, just take a mug of tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow it. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to his bed."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor no sign of bruising whatsoever.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my boyfriend came home drunk, I swished with the tea. I just swished and swished, like washing machine and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor, "See how much keeping your fuckin mouth shut helps?"
Mammogram Result
A woman in her fifties is at home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
MARRIAGE
Dress Shop Burglary
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
MARRIAGE
Parting Ways
The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them.
However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.
At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard."
As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back, "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call."
MARRIAGE
Anniversary Gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Husband's Night Out
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
MARRIAGE
Cheating Spouse!
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
MARRIAGE
Wedding Night
Wedding Night
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple goes to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "Yes, my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "OH, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!"
MARRIAGE
Elderly Sex
An 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly.'
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
You’re cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed: Rich and Free!
MARRIAGE
Waiting in Line
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women.
The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together.
Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man, "Let them go first. You wouldn’t want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I’ve been sorry ever since."
MARRIAGE
Gender Inequality
In a small town, there is a rather sizable factory ##that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the ##manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think ##women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our ##employees## are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know ##how to keep## their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
MARRIAGE
Different Vacations
Different Vacations
Billy and Joe were talking one afternoon. ###Billy tells Joe, "You know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation."
He continues, "Only this year I'm gonna do it a ##little differen##. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to ##Hawai##i and Eva got pregnant."
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the ##Bahamas###nd# Eva got## pregnant again."
"Last year you ##suggested Tahiti and ##darned if Eva didn't get pregnant again."
Joe asks Billy, "So, ##what you gonna do this ##year that's different?"
@@Billy says, "###This year I'm taking## Eva## with me###
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor, "What happened?"
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor, "I have a real good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."
Doctor, "You see, how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
MARRIAGE
Marriage is Hell
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
Great Lover!
When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
MARRIAGE
Suspicious Wife
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid’s room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her…
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, “Surprised?”
“I sure am, ma’am!” stammered the chauffeur.
Nano at Heaven
Nano at Heaven
George, Robin and Alex are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.
"Ok you, George, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."
St. Peter turns to Robin, "How many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Robin replies, "I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys. Get going!"
He then looks at Alex, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
Alex lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!"
George and Robin have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Alex turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.
George asks, "Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"
Between sobs Alex explains, "I just saw my wife driving a Nano!"
MARRIAGE
Disappearing Lover
Harry and Sheila were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that Harry was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Sheila acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as Harry slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Sheila appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that Harry had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
Sheila calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
MARRIAGE
The Secret of Longevity
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
"Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
MARRIAGE
Real Father
Real Father
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother.
'Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.' His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son
In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery. His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand. His eyelids just opened for a few seconds.
He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience, hallowed by bright white light. With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife, "You are so beautiful."
Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses. His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic. So she suppressed all her disgust of environment, held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while.
After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time. He loves the comfort of his wife and says, "You are cute!"
The wife was disgusted, threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation, "It was 'beautiful', last time and how it is 'cute' this time. What happened to my beauty?"
The man answered, "Honey, I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia."
MARRIAGE
Very Friendly Friends
A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Joe ", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Bob then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
MARRIAGE
Banta's Mule
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house.
He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Banta's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
MARRIAGE
Wife's Lover !
Wife's Lover !
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'.
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.
For some reasonthe mother was unusually quiet.
Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again.
"Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you.""
Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
MARRIAGE
Toilet Paper Miracle
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
MARRIAGE
Wife's Lovers
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
MARRIAGE
Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying outthe casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
Cheating Wife!
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Um...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 25,000 bucks?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone.
"What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What! There's no pool here?" "Uh... is this 2263841?"
MARRIAGE
Prescription For Love
Prescription For Love
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse, and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture again and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
MARRIAGE
Wedding Night
Newlyweds, Tim and Nancy, spent their wedding night at a hotel.
The following morning, Nancy's closest friend, Jennifer, came over and asked them how their wedding night went.
"I'm so exhausted," Nancy said. "All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out."
Misunderstanding her, an embarrased Jennifer was shocked that Nancy would speak so crassly.
Tim clarified by adding, "Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"
MARRIAGE
Anniversary Gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Wednesday.
What Makes a Great Couple?
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained.
"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like Im listening."
MARRIAGE
Bank Robbery
Bank Robbery
A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me Rob this Bank?"
The customer replies, "Well, yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
MARRIAGE
Valentine's Day Gift
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".
MARRIAGE
The New Wife
The New Wife
It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
The new wife (progressive Indian woman), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family,I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."
"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!
"And what are you here for Bahurani?" enquired the mother-in-law.
"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON
Robbery Suspect
A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “Yes!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”
The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”
MARRIAGE
The Fart Football
The Fart Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It’s fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
MARRIAGE
The Loyal Wife!
The Loyal Wife!
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the +after-life+ with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died...
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait, just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?"
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
MARRIAGE
Great News
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.
It was well past 10 when he remembered. "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
MARRIAGE
Married Men
There is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a woman organisation called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
MARRIAGE
Alarming Whistle
Smith and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.
Suddenly Mrs. Smith realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Smith said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
MARRIAGE
Rising Phone Bills
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication.
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use email.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "Rose, how's that daughter of yours?"
Rose replies, "She's OK thanks. She married a fantastic man. He's got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary's job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny."
Rose then asks, "And how's your son?"
Sadie replies, "His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny."
MARRIAGE
That`s What Friends Are For
When it comes to friendship, here's what happens.
If a woman doesn't come home to her husband one night, and the next day she tells him she slept over at a friend's house, the man calls his wife's 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.
If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night, and the next day he tells her he slept over at a friend's house, she calls her husband's 10 best friends-eight of them say he did sleep over, and two claim he's still there.
MARRIAGE
Organic Vegetables
During a Coffee Break, two men were talking, "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden." said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
The gardener said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."
MARRIAGE
Husband`s Affair
Husband`s Affair
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.
The husband speaks again, 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.
He pushes his luck, 'I want the house,' he says insistently.
Up to 80.
'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph.
'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, 'The airbag.'
Golf Trouble
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."
MARRIAGE
Ex-Husband
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
MARRIAGE
Inheritance
Inheritance
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
MARRIAGE
Homeless Woman
Homeless Woman
A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the lady asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked, "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The lady said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
During work, John and William were chatting:
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, William got irritated and said: "And you, do you know who is George Hunt?"
John: No
William: He's the guy enjoying with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this...
MARRIAGE
Attractive Wives
Robert was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Robert's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
MARRIAGE
Fried Eggs
Fried Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
MARRIAGE
Guardian Angel
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where were you when I got married
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"
MARRIAGE
Toilet Accident
Toilet Accident
A young newly wed couple just moved into their first apartment. The wife had a hurry call and ran into the bathroom and plopped down on the toilet.
You guessed it, the seat was up. She got hopelessly wedged in the bowl and screamed for help from new Hubby. He ran in and tried in vain to pull her out.
He said, "I'll have to call a plumber."
She said, "You can't let the plumber see me like this."
So, Hubby finds an old hat and puts it on her lap.
The plumber arrives and surveys the situation.
He turns to the husband and says, "I think I can get her out, but I think that other poor bastard drowned."
MARRIAGE
Bearded Lover
Bearded Lover
A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon."
MARRIAGE
Dearly Hug
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow
Ex-Husband
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
MARRIAGE
Dying Wish!
Dying Wish!
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"
MARRIAGE
Women Powers
Women Powers
At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was: How to empower women in the home.
The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said, "I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing."
The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.
The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said, "I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."
Again the conference applauded.
Next came the Australian delegate. She said, "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
MARRIAGE
Unfaithful Hubby
Unfaithful Hubby
Rita was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Rita," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Rita. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Rita. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now dear, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said.
"Now you be still, and let the poison work
The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech:
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years".
"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning".
"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.
"As for me, my job is to entertain your son!"
MARRIAGE
Married Life
Married Life
Not long after his marriage, Joe and his father, met for lunch. "Well, son," asked the father, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed Joe. "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Joe. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Joe's father nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied the father, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
MARRIAGE
Freaking Jinx
Freaking Jinx
A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head, which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.
He held her hands and said meaningfully: "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."
She squeezed his hands as he continued: "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply...."
He continued: "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me... "
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'd really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You're a freaking jinx!"
MARRIAGE
Crazy Love
Crazy Love
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors.
Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.
"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told the doctor.
The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the doctor.
The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "Peter," she repeated over and over. "Oh, Peter!"
"She was to marry a man named Peter," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."
They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straightjacket, shrieking insanely, "Peter! Peter!"
"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost Peter also."
"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
MARRIAGE
Suspicious Wife
Suspicious Wife
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.
One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her...
After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.
MARRIAGE
Most Beautiful...
Most Beautiful...
A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.
It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in.
This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house. He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within:
"Who is it?"
The man leaned on the door and said tenderly:
"I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."
Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.
"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you bastard?," the woman roared.
The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?"
MARRIAGE
Loyal Wife
Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser.
Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.
Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife say, "Wait a minute!"
She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in with him."
"You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!"
"I sure did," said the wife, "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote a cheque, if he can cash it he can spend it.
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She flirt with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
MARRIAGE
Six Nights
Six Nights
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."
MARRIAGE
Nude Masterpiece
Nude Masterpiece
There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."
MARRIAGE
Modern Marriage
Modern Marriage
Nikhil and Mona were newlyweds. Nikhil thought this would be a modern marriage, meaning they would each play equal roles. So, the first morning after their honeymoon, he brought Mona breakfast in bed.
However, Mona wasn't at all impressed by his culinary skills. Looking disdainfully at the tray, she snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the following morning, Nikhil brought his new bride a scrambled egg.
Unfortunately, Mona wasn't satisfied. "Did you ever stop to think that perhaps I like variety?" she snapped. "I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please her, the next morning, he brought her two eggs….one poached and one scrambled.
"Here, my darling, enjoy," he said cheerfully.
Mona was infuriated. "You scrambled the wrong egg!" she screamed.
The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.
She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were."
"He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
MARRIAGE
Priest`s Affair
Priest`s Affair
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"
Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"
MARRIAGE
Smart Husband
Smart Husband
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
MARRIAGE
Mouse Holes
Mouse Holes
Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed," she told him.
"Oh, relax," says the husband, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says the wife. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story. I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?"
Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm…, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
MARRIAGE
Perfect Woman!
Perfect Woman!
Sunny is almost 35 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Sunny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Sunny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Sunny weeks go by and again Sunny and his friend get together.
So Sunny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?
Sunny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
MARRIAGE
One Million Bucks
One Million Bucks
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Joe had carved: I love you, Nancy.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Nancy quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--one million bucks.
Joe said, "We've got to give it back."
Nancy said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two Inspectors were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Nancy said, "No."
Joe said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Nancy said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Joe and began to question him.
One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Joe said, "Well, when Nancy and I were walking home from school yesterday... "
The first Inspector turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
MARRIAGE
Heart Broken
Heart Broken
It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law.
Anyway... One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.
On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.
The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest.
Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, "Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?"
The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied... "No, she missed the bus!"
This is Heaven
This is Heaven
This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home. It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardener, etc.
The old man exclaims, "That's ours?"
St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever."
The old man is a little suspicious and says, "How much is the rent?"
St. Peter says, "It is free. After all, this is heaven."
Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golf carts.
St. Peter says, "You can play here whenever you want."
The old man says, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replies, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man is very impressed. They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings.
The old man says, "How many calories?"
St. Peter says, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man gets a look on his face like he suddenly understands what heaven is all about.
Then the old man suddenly turns and slaps the old woman, yelling, "You stupid witch! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and take exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"
MARRIAGE
Fried Eggs!
Fried Eggs!
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
MARRIAGE
Mule for Sale?
Mule for Sale?
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Joe's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Joe's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Joe's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Joe replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale?"
MARRIAGE
English girl
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An English girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl
New Fathers
A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
MARRIAGE
Silver Jubilee
On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.
"Oh, it's not over yet." He said.
Once home, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation and inside are two small tablets.
She asked, "But what are these two little pills?"
"Aspirin." The man replied.
"But, I don't have a headache." She said.
"There you go, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!" he snidely said.
MARRIAGE
Times Up!
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"
"Yes grandpa, I guess so."
"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"
MARRIAGE
Sweet Revenge
Old farmer Michael was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife, "Susan, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Joe."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Susan."
"But why?' Susan asks.
"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade
Retired Couple
A retired couple is lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" husband asked wife.
After some thought, she said, "I'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age."
Then wife asked husband, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
MARRIAGE
Good Wife
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
MARRIAGE
The Inheritence
Rahul's grandfather left him Rs 10 million, and the next week Maria agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Rahul noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Maria," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me Rs 10 million when he died."
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
MARRIAGE
Emergency
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes
Nothing to lose
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 PM.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Now, what?!!"' he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
MARRIAGE
True Love!
Brian came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" Brian asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Brian went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"
The wife looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
MARRIAGE
Lawn Mowing
When Steve's power mower broke down, his wife, Anna, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn't sinking in, and Steve kept putting off the repairs.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When Steve arrived at home one day, he found her sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.
Steve watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes, he handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
MARRIAGE
Remarry?
One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner: Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: shit.shit.shit.....
Best Friend
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Andy," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
MARRIAGE
Dinner Party
Jayme and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.
Jayme is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all. Bob explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.
At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?" "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."
"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"
"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."
"Well," Bob says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"
"It isn't the ingredients," Jayme cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"
MARRIAGE
Dog Bite
A man is out walking his dog one day when it slips the leash and runs away.
As the man is chasing him down the street, the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there.
The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog.
The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches, and says, "Sir, how about a settlement. Would one thousand rupees do?"
The husband pauses for a moment and replies, "Sure, and if you come around next week, it's worth another one thousand."
MARRIAGE
Mother-in-law
A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...
The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.
Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.
The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.
She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.
The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!
The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.
Happily married
Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.
"Well, Martina, how are your kids?", asks Jessica.
"To tell you the truth," says Martina, "my George has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Jessica asks.
"Ah!", says Martina. "Cathy has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."
MARRIAGE
Hot water bottle!
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer. "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
MARRIAGE
The Defendant
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
MARRIAGE
The undertaker!
A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist.
The Psychiatrist gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him.
He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table. Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker!!!" she replies.
Girlfriend!
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
MARRIAGE
Child support
John finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke," he said.
"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.
"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.
"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.
"Sue me for child support!!"
MARRIAGE
Nice job
When Bob's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Bob told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't w###orth living. I think I'm going to top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Bob," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Bob.
"Easy," replied### the quack. "I threw myself into my w##ork. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Bob, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Bob replied.
MARRIAGE
Perfect man!
Joe walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Bryan."
"Who?"
"Bryan Smith. There's a guy who did everything right. ###Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It w##ould have happened ##like that to Bryan."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Joe.
"Not Bryan. He was a terrific ##athlete. He could have ###gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and ###danced like a Broadway star."
"He was### something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could ###remember### everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Bryan."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Joe.
"###Because### I ###married### his widow."
Healthy lifestyle
A man was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
MARRIAGE
Professional links!
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Err - just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in whose profession? Yours, or hers?!"
MARRIAGE
Communication problem!
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
MARRIAGE
Divorced Barbie!
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Ugliest woman!
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the cop said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The cop then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the cop her license.
"I see, you are from Hoshairpur!," the cop said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
MARRIAGE
Younger looks!!!
Jimmy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks Jimmy, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Jimmy replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty two; your hair, twenty three; and your figure, eighteen." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Jimmy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!"Jimmy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"
MARRIAGE
Wrong dentures!
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
MARRIAGE
Terrible weather
Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour.
inutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Guardian angel!
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"
MARRIAGE
Cat food
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!"
MARRIAGE
Special dog
Special dog
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when the old woman died.
The entire family showed up for the funeral, and every day after the funeral the old man would visit the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
The groundskeeper at the cemetary, after two months of observing this ritual, decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your wife`s grave and I just think that so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I`d do it myself, but I`d get arrested for indecent exposure!"
MARRIAGE
The Truth!
A man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife`s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.
"Where the heck have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
``Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and..."You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
Cotton balls
A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles... The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it`s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"
MARRIAGE
Shopping spree!
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it`s me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It`s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What`s the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It`s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $375,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $325,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I`ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone`s flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who`s phone is this?"
MARRIAGE
Upside down!!!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
MARRIAGE
Conveyance in heaven
Conveyance in heaven
Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates
Wrong bitch
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma`am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can`t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I`m very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn`t say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you`ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
MARRIAGE
Speed limit
A man is speeding down the freeway when he`s stopped by a police car and has to pull over.
"Do you realize you were doing 90 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That`s impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.
The driver`s wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I`m always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking up to your car."
That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.
"No, you don’t, I`m always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver’s wife.
"Dammit, woman!" the driver explodes, "Can’t you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?!"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
"Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he`s drunk."
MARRIAGE
Surnames!!
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie".
"Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn`t that terribly complicated?"
"Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed."
"I see. But what if you want only one of them?"
"No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."
MARRIAGE
Missing pendulum!
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place. He was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and wouldn`t hear of anything else.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy. Then I`ll have to shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of my son."
The offspring does arrive one day, but it`s a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he`ll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."
So he sends the message, "The clock has arrived, ! but the pendulum is missing."
Objecting wives!
There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn`t because of their wives objections.
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn`t have to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"
She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
MARRIAGE
chocolate cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death`s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death`s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they`re for the funeral."
MARRIAGE
Speeding ticket
A guy is speeding down a highway and he gets pulled over. The cop says, "You were speeding."
The guy says, "No I wasn`t, I was just going slow."
The guy`s wife in the Passenger seat says, "No officer, He was speeding the whole time."
The guy glares at his wife and says, "Shut up!"
The cop says, "I see your seat belt is off. May I ask why?"
The guy says, "Well I saw you were gonna pull me over and you were gonna ask for my license, so I took it off and got it out."
The guy`s wife says, "No officer. He has had the seat belt off the whole time."
The guy says to his wife, "What is wrong with you?"
The cop leans over to the wife and asks, "Is he always this mean to you?"
The wife says, "Only when he`s drunk."
MARRIAGE
The Earring!
A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn`t know you were into earrings."
"Don`t make such a big deal, it`s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed.
Child support!
Father, "When you go back to your Mom tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she`ll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter, "OK"
Later that night
Daughter, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I`m now 18, this is the last child support payment he`ll ever have to make to you. Now I`m supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother, "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he`s not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."
MARRIAGE
Longest weeks
A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death?"
A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes."
"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That is wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law`s house for the four weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law`s home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because that would be the longest four weeks of my life!"
MARRIAGE
Irregularities
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they didn`t, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out that they had filled the names in backwards- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk`s office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk ... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom, "That`s funny- that`s just what the clerk called you."
MARRIAGE
Three envelopes
Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Honey,` he told me, `I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.`"
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, `Please use this money to buy a nice casket.` So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, `Please use this for a nice funeral.` I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, `Please use this to buy a nice stone.`"
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her diamond ring, she said, "So, do you like my stone?"
The Australian way
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I`ve never been with a woman," he says, "but if it`s anything like a kangaroo, I`m gonna need all the room I can get."
MARRIAGE
Expecting!!
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife`s expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
MARRIAGE
Polish remover !!
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she`s gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she`s gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can`t you see the label on bottle said `Polish Remover`?"
MARRIAGE
Beautiful women
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young boy cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I`ll never find it here at home, so I`m leaving. Don`t try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn`t you hear what I said? I don`t want you to try and stop me."
"Who`s trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I`ll go with you."
Clothes off !
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day`s work.
He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It`s the least I can do.""Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It`s my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"
MARRIAGE
Emotional needs !
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier."
The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife`s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
MARRIAGE
Lovemaking !
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a `kiss`?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I`d like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a `caress`?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You`ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is `make love`, Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a `headache`?"
MARRIAGE
Hunter`s Wife
It was Saturday morning as Steve, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Steve asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I`m going hunting with you!"
Steve, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Steve sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I`ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot"
Steve walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn`t bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Steve starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Steve races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Steve is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it
Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it`s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
MARRIAGE
Pregnant !!!
An extraordinarily hand@some man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that@ as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the@ east coast, he started to head west. Shortl@y thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simpl@y replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer a@sked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, @“She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer a@gain asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if thin@gs might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they wer@e wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
MARRIAGE
Sharing everything !
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat w@atching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn`t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We`ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be sha@red, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It`s his turn to use our the teeth.
MARRIAGE
Explanation !!
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pock@et with the name `Marylou` written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey,"@ the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night.
Anniversary !!
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the dark, stillness of the house, she could hear a m@uffled sound downstairs.
She got o@ut of bed, cautiously went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She@ opened the door to the cellar and went down to the steps to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
She asked him, "What`s wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have @been released from prison today."
MARRIAGE
Subtle hints ! ! !
"I`m worried that I`m losing my wife`s love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she`s a@ great cook, the house is always n@eat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what`s the probl@em?"
"Maybe I`m just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I`m sleeping, she puts her lips close to@ my ear and whispers...
`Die! you son of a bitch, Die!!`
MARRIAGE
A Clever Hubby
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn`t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a @beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn`t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back @to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him bac@k to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o`clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife`s dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he @dropped t@he bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he`s been all this time. He looked at the snails all d@own the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we`re almost there!!"
MARRIAGE
The Good Wife !!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the following, your h@usband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice m@eal for him. Don`t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don`t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly satisfy his every whim@. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think @your husband will regai@n his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You`re going to die," she replied.
Dietician dressing!
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize that long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"
MARRIAGE
Proposal!
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn`t even believe there`s a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we`ll show him how wrong he is."
MARRIAGE
A stinking confession!
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I`ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I`ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she`s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I`ve got really bad breath? I`ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he`s lived with me for a week, he`s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I`ve a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don`t tell me, you`ve eaten my socks."
MARRIAGE
Guess who sent them!
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the most intimate apparels were put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received a mail carrying two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets, "Now you know!".
Rescuers reward!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can`t swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where`s my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother- in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
MARRIAGE
Not again!
After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably. He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:
"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me."
MARRIAGE
The chicken and the eggs!
Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you`ve got to help me...my wife thinks she`s a chicken!"
Doctor says, " how long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"
The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."
MARRIAGE
Little quirks about life...
Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty...
..Most people deserve each other.
..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
..The one who snores will fall asleep first.
..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
..Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
Divorce!
A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That`s not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That`s not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I`d like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn`t planned on spending quite that much."
MARRIAGE
Changing Diapers!!
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I`m busy," he said, "I`ll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn`t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
MARRIAGE
Getting Older!!
Mona and Julia are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn`t find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn`t bother to look at me!" Julia cries.
"I`m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Mona.
"Yes, but your husband`s an antique dealer.
MARRIAGE
Cat food !!
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He`s going to be really ticked if it`s not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn`t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You`re going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn`t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."
A bumper draw!
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I`ve won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack`em all, you`re leaving!"
MARRIAGE
Magic...
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,
"How`d you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I`d have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"
MARRIAGE
Don`t fart!!!
An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts.
His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don`t fart!!!"
Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again.
She screams "Please stop farting!!!"
Again he says, "Just shut your mouth."
She is really pissed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"
"Well" says the husband, "I didn`t want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."
MARRIAGE
Insurance claim...
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn`t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I`d like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Brave woman!
A man & wife entered a dentist`s office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or Novocain because I`m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You`re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
MARRIAGE
Bad times:
The woman`s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you`re bad luck."
MARRIAGE
Toe the line !
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don`t know, my wife told me to stand here"
MARRIAGE
Why did U have to die?
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, almost crazy, and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to..."
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife`s first husband."
Funeral Procession !
Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.
"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says.
"Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."
MARRIAGE
Area 51...
We ve all heard of the US Air Force`s high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot`s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn`t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP`s surrounded the plane...only this time t###here were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
MARRIAGE
Farmer s mule...
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking th###rough the barn, the farmer`s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he### would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, nod and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say, Yes, it was. The men would ask, Can I borrow that mule? and I would shake my head and say, Can t. It s all booked up for a year.
MARRIAGE
Stand apart!
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did### you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don t know, my wife told me to stand here"
Leaving...
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I ve won the lottery!"
The wife excitedly asks, ###"Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
He says, "Pack em all, you re leaving!"
MARRIAGE
Wishing Well!
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. ###But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:
"It really works!"
MARRIAGE
Slow Clock!
Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock ###fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.
Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has ###always been slow.
MARRIAGE
Club donation!
The president of the service club asked his ###new member, "###Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "###Yes, my mother-in-law."
All three!
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
MARRIAGE
Attractive wife?
Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and com###mon knowledge. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face.
"I’ll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
MARRIAGE
Those four letter words...
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she r##eplied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He`s been saying things I`ve never heard before! All these awf###ul 4-letter words! You`ve got to come get me and ta###ke me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don`t make me tel###l you, mama," wept the daughter, "I`m so embarrassed! They`re just too awful! You`ve got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
MARRIAGE
Older Lovers...
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days".
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you`d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you`d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "H####oney, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Suspecting wife!
A farmer’s wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she s###ubjected her husband to a searching inspection. ###When she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene!
One night, she found nothing."So" she screamed, "Now it’s a bald-headed woman!"
MARRIAGE
Mushrooms or....?
Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth### time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My### first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your thir##d ate ###poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She was not eating her mushrooms.
MARRIAGE
Dinner guest...
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper,"
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn`t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don`t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
“I know all that." Replied the n###onchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married."
Married men only
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him:
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, ma am," the manger replied, "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep ####their mouths shut, and don`t pout when I yell at them."
MARRIAGE
Money,money,money...
The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day ###and so, at breakfast, she asked her husband for a hundred rupees.
"Money, money, money!" he shouted at the top of his voice. "Every day of the week you want more money. If you ask me, I think you need brains more than you need money."
"Perhaps so," his wife agreed, "but I asked you for what I thought you had the most of."
MARRIAGE
Only donkey ...
A man much harassed by his wife took his four-year-old son to a zoo to escape nagging at home. They came to an enclosure where a donkey was grazing. "Pap###a, what is this animal?" asked the boy.
"This, son, is an ass."
The next enclosure had a she donkey. "And what is this?" asked the child.
"This, son, is the wife of an ass."
"Papa, do asses also get married?"
"Haan beta," replied his Sire, "Sirf gadhey hee shaddi kartey hain."(only donkey get married)
MARRIAGE
Repeat performance!
A young w###oman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.
One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."
With that the new mother burst out crying. "I know," she said. "That was me, too."
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