Santa Apni Biwi Ke Saath So Raha Tha Tabhi Achanak Bolta Hai: Bheega Sa Lagta Hai Aalam Mujhe, Bheegi Si Lagti Hai Subah Mujhe, Bheega Lag Raha Hai Saara Jahan Mujhe... Bheega
Jeeto: Kisne Kaha Tha Ki Raat Ko Daba Kar Beer Piyo... Oye Shayar Ki Aulad Tumne Bistar Pe Peshaab Kar Diya Hai.
Santa Ko Loose Motions Ki Problem Ho Gayi Toh Vo Doctor Ke Paas Gaya Aur Bola: Doctor Ji, Mere Dast Rukne Ka Naam Nahin Le Rahe, Kuch Achcha Sa Ilaaz Bataiiye.
Doctoe: Tumne Kela Try Kiya Tha?
Santa: Haan Doctor Saab, Kiya Toh Tha... Lekin Jab Nikaala Toh Phir Suru Ho Gaye.
Biwi Se Pareshaan Santa Ne Suicide Karne Ki Decide Kar Liya Aur Paanchve Floor Se Kudne Hi Waala Tha Ki Uski Biwi Ne Andar Se Awaaz Lagayi: Aji Sunte Ho, Meri Kuch College Days Ki Friends Aayi Hain... Andar Aa Jao... Aapki Pechaan Karwa Deti Hun Sab Se...
Santa: Haan... Haan... Ek Minute Mein Aaaya.
Santa Ka Promotion Hua Aur Vo Apni Company Mein Manager Ban Gaya. Ghar Aatey Hi Apni Biwi Jeeto Se Bola: O Jeeto Ji, Ab Tum Ek Manager Ke Saath Ghumogi Aur Shopping Karogi Aur Movies Dekhogi Aur Aish Karogi...
Jeeto, Khusi Se: Achcha... Sach Mein... Kis Ke Saath... Sharma Ji Ke Saath Ya Gupta Ki Saath...???
Ek Bike Waale Ne Address Puchne Ke Liye Santa Se Pucha: Excuse Me.... Mujhe Rose Garden Jaana Hai...
Santa: Toh Jaa Na Bhai... Aise Sabko Ruk-Ruk Ke Batayega Toh Pahunchga Kab?
Bhikhari: 10 Rs Ka Sawaal Hai!
Santa: Pucho... Pucho... Kya Pata Mujhe Aate Hi Ho!!
Us Din Se Bhikhari Ne Bheekha Maangna Chod Di....
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing.
Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win, they kept pulling out fish after fish.
Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently.
A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Once Badshah Akbar' s army was engaged in a prolonged war. As a result his royal wealth ("shahi khazana") was nearly exhausted.
He asked Birbal: How to replenish my wealth.
Birbal: You can get it from Dhanna Seth.
Akbar was amazed as to how a trader/ merchant could have so much money. Still he went to Dhanna Seth.
Dhanna Seth offered: Badshah Akbar, I have huge wealth, take as much as you want.
Akbar: Dhanna Seth, How did you accumulate so much wealth. Tell me without any fear of punishment.
Dhanna: I earned it by adultrating grains & spices.
Akbar got angry, he took all of Dhanna's wealth and ordered him that from then on he would collect the horse dung in his royal stable. Dhanna agreed.
Years passed by. Again Akbar had to fight a long drawn battle. Again his royal wealth exhausted & again Birbal advised Akbar to go to Dhanna Seth for help.
Akbar wondered: Birbal, I had ordered him to work in royal stable to collect horse dung... How on earth he can have such a wealth???
Birbal: Badshah, you can ask him but only he can help you.
Akbar went to Dhanna. Dhanna gave Akbar huge wealth.
Akbar: Dhanna Seth, I had earlier taken all your wealth, How did you accumulate it again?
Dhanna: From the stable - incharge & horse attendants. They used to underfeed the horses. I threatened them that I will complain to Badshah that they did not feed horses enough, hence the horse dung quantity was less. So they bribed me to keep silent.
Akbar got very angry again & ordered Dhanna to start counting the waves at sea & returned to his Palace with Dhanna's wealth.
As luck would have it, Akbar fought another war, royal wealth emptied out and once again Birbal advised Akbar to go to Dhanna Seth for help.
Akbar could not believe as to how Dhanna could earn so much by counting waves at sea.
Akbar asked Dhanna for the help.
Dhanna: Badshah, Take as much as you want but this time around I will not change my profession.
Akbar: Ok, but tell me how did you earn money by counting Water waves at sea.
Dhanna: Very simple, I used to stop merchant's ships & boats far away from sea shore. I showed them your orders that I was counting waves & their ships & boats would disturb or break the waves hence their ships or boats should stay away. Badshah, these merchants then used to bribe me to let them reach the shore & unload their merchandise.
So Badshah understood that Dhanna Seth can earn by engaging in manipulations and bribery from any profession.
Demonetisation or no demonetisation, the Dhanna Seths of our society will always find a way to earn & accumulate black money.
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"
Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers, "I believe in the power of democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc."
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him, "Well done , come sit on the chair on my left.
Finally, God asks Trump, "What do you believe in?"
Ek Bar Santa Apni Girlfriend Ke Ghar Dinner Par Gaya. Us Din Santa Ka Pet Kuch Kharab Tha, Phir Bhi Table Par Shaandar Dinner Rakha Dekh Ke Uske Muh Mein Pani Aa Gaya Aur Santa Ne Daba Kar Dinner Kiya.
Thodi Der Ke Baad Santa Ke Pet Mein Gud-Gud Shuru Ho Gayi Aur Pad Ki Awaaz Aayi... Poooooooo....
Saare Logo Ne Santa Ki Taraf Dekha Aur Uske Baad Santa Ke Paas Baithe Hue Ladki Ke Kutte Tommy Ki Taraf Dekha.
Ladki Ka Baap: Tommy...! Chalo Bhago Yaha Se.
Tommy Wahi Baitha Raha. Santa Ne Socha Chalo Achchha Hua Kisi Ko Pata Nahi Chala Aur Ilzam Tommy Pe Lag Gaya.
Do Minute Baad Santa Ne Phir Pad Diya... Poooooo.... Ladki Ka Baap Gusse Me Bola: Tommyyyyy, Maine Kaha Jao Yahan Se.
Santa Phir Se Bahut Khush Hua. Girlfriend Ne Bhi Santa Ki Taraf Dekha Aur Phir Tommy Ko Dekh Ke Boli: Ye Kutta Bhi Na. Tommy... Chalo Jao, Hato Santa Ke Paas Se.
Thodi Der Baad Phir Se Santa Ke Pet Ne Saath Chhod Diya Aur Ab Ki Baar Ka Poooo Kuch Zyada Hi Tez Aawaz Se Nikla Pooooooooooooo.......
Ladki Ka Baap: Oye Tommy.... Kab Se Kah Rahe Hain Ki Jao Yahan Se... Jaata Kyun Nahin... Jab Wo Tere Upar Potty Kar Dega Tab Hatega Kya Wahan Se.
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition, "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the forestry company office and fills out an application as an 'Experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet", says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.
As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"
When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure," the Newfie states, cocksure.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap ###behind it, eh?"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
###An old man went to the ###college that he went to when he was a youth###
He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said, "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old ###wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "###Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her ear ring and is ###searching### for it."
###The old man said, "And the same old story###
Jeeto: Kisne Kaha Tha Ki Raat Ko Daba Kar Beer Piyo... Oye Shayar Ki Aulad Tumne Bistar Pe Peshaab Kar Diya Hai.
Santa Ko Loose Motions Ki Problem Ho Gayi Toh Vo Doctor Ke Paas Gaya Aur Bola: Doctor Ji, Mere Dast Rukne Ka Naam Nahin Le Rahe, Kuch Achcha Sa Ilaaz Bataiiye.
Doctoe: Tumne Kela Try Kiya Tha?
Santa: Haan Doctor Saab, Kiya Toh Tha... Lekin Jab Nikaala Toh Phir Suru Ho Gaye.
Biwi Se Pareshaan Santa Ne Suicide Karne Ki Decide Kar Liya Aur Paanchve Floor Se Kudne Hi Waala Tha Ki Uski Biwi Ne Andar Se Awaaz Lagayi: Aji Sunte Ho, Meri Kuch College Days Ki Friends Aayi Hain... Andar Aa Jao... Aapki Pechaan Karwa Deti Hun Sab Se...
Santa: Haan... Haan... Ek Minute Mein Aaaya.
Santa Ka Promotion Hua Aur Vo Apni Company Mein Manager Ban Gaya. Ghar Aatey Hi Apni Biwi Jeeto Se Bola: O Jeeto Ji, Ab Tum Ek Manager Ke Saath Ghumogi Aur Shopping Karogi Aur Movies Dekhogi Aur Aish Karogi...
Jeeto, Khusi Se: Achcha... Sach Mein... Kis Ke Saath... Sharma Ji Ke Saath Ya Gupta Ki Saath...???
Ek Bike Waale Ne Address Puchne Ke Liye Santa Se Pucha: Excuse Me.... Mujhe Rose Garden Jaana Hai...
Santa: Toh Jaa Na Bhai... Aise Sabko Ruk-Ruk Ke Batayega Toh Pahunchga Kab?
Bhikhari: 10 Rs Ka Sawaal Hai!
Santa: Pucho... Pucho... Kya Pata Mujhe Aate Hi Ho!!
Us Din Se Bhikhari Ne Bheekha Maangna Chod Di....
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing.
Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win, they kept pulling out fish after fish.
Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently.
A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Once Badshah Akbar' s army was engaged in a prolonged war. As a result his royal wealth ("shahi khazana") was nearly exhausted.
He asked Birbal: How to replenish my wealth.
Birbal: You can get it from Dhanna Seth.
Akbar was amazed as to how a trader/ merchant could have so much money. Still he went to Dhanna Seth.
Dhanna Seth offered: Badshah Akbar, I have huge wealth, take as much as you want.
Akbar: Dhanna Seth, How did you accumulate so much wealth. Tell me without any fear of punishment.
Dhanna: I earned it by adultrating grains & spices.
Akbar got angry, he took all of Dhanna's wealth and ordered him that from then on he would collect the horse dung in his royal stable. Dhanna agreed.
Years passed by. Again Akbar had to fight a long drawn battle. Again his royal wealth exhausted & again Birbal advised Akbar to go to Dhanna Seth for help.
Akbar wondered: Birbal, I had ordered him to work in royal stable to collect horse dung... How on earth he can have such a wealth???
Birbal: Badshah, you can ask him but only he can help you.
Akbar went to Dhanna. Dhanna gave Akbar huge wealth.
Akbar: Dhanna Seth, I had earlier taken all your wealth, How did you accumulate it again?
Dhanna: From the stable - incharge & horse attendants. They used to underfeed the horses. I threatened them that I will complain to Badshah that they did not feed horses enough, hence the horse dung quantity was less. So they bribed me to keep silent.
Akbar got very angry again & ordered Dhanna to start counting the waves at sea & returned to his Palace with Dhanna's wealth.
As luck would have it, Akbar fought another war, royal wealth emptied out and once again Birbal advised Akbar to go to Dhanna Seth for help.
Akbar could not believe as to how Dhanna could earn so much by counting waves at sea.
Akbar asked Dhanna for the help.
Dhanna: Badshah, Take as much as you want but this time around I will not change my profession.
Akbar: Ok, but tell me how did you earn money by counting Water waves at sea.
Dhanna: Very simple, I used to stop merchant's ships & boats far away from sea shore. I showed them your orders that I was counting waves & their ships & boats would disturb or break the waves hence their ships or boats should stay away. Badshah, these merchants then used to bribe me to let them reach the shore & unload their merchandise.
So Badshah understood that Dhanna Seth can earn by engaging in manipulations and bribery from any profession.
Demonetisation or no demonetisation, the Dhanna Seths of our society will always find a way to earn & accumulate black money.
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"
Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers, "I believe in the power of democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc."
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him, "Well done , come sit on the chair on my left.
Finally, God asks Trump, "What do you believe in?"
Ek Bar Santa Apni Girlfriend Ke Ghar Dinner Par Gaya. Us Din Santa Ka Pet Kuch Kharab Tha, Phir Bhi Table Par Shaandar Dinner Rakha Dekh Ke Uske Muh Mein Pani Aa Gaya Aur Santa Ne Daba Kar Dinner Kiya.
Thodi Der Ke Baad Santa Ke Pet Mein Gud-Gud Shuru Ho Gayi Aur Pad Ki Awaaz Aayi... Poooooooo....
Saare Logo Ne Santa Ki Taraf Dekha Aur Uske Baad Santa Ke Paas Baithe Hue Ladki Ke Kutte Tommy Ki Taraf Dekha.
Ladki Ka Baap: Tommy...! Chalo Bhago Yaha Se.
Tommy Wahi Baitha Raha. Santa Ne Socha Chalo Achchha Hua Kisi Ko Pata Nahi Chala Aur Ilzam Tommy Pe Lag Gaya.
Do Minute Baad Santa Ne Phir Pad Diya... Poooooo.... Ladki Ka Baap Gusse Me Bola: Tommyyyyy, Maine Kaha Jao Yahan Se.
Santa Phir Se Bahut Khush Hua. Girlfriend Ne Bhi Santa Ki Taraf Dekha Aur Phir Tommy Ko Dekh Ke Boli: Ye Kutta Bhi Na. Tommy... Chalo Jao, Hato Santa Ke Paas Se.
Thodi Der Baad Phir Se Santa Ke Pet Ne Saath Chhod Diya Aur Ab Ki Baar Ka Poooo Kuch Zyada Hi Tez Aawaz Se Nikla Pooooooooooooo.......
Ladki Ka Baap: Oye Tommy.... Kab Se Kah Rahe Hain Ki Jao Yahan Se... Jaata Kyun Nahin... Jab Wo Tere Upar Potty Kar Dega Tab Hatega Kya Wahan Se.
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition, "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into the forestry company office and fills out an application as an 'Experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet", says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.
As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"
When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure," the Newfie states, cocksure.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a crap ###behind it, eh?"
He got the job and is now the foreman.
###An old man went to the ###college that he went to when he was a youth###
He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said, "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old ###wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "###Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her ear ring and is ###searching### for it."
###The old man said, "And the same old story###
| A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly knows bad words. At first, he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much. As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot, "That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door. This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened, "I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there... what did they say?" |
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